


A Second Chance

by Arquen, UrsulaCousland



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Additional Characters to be added, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-24 05:57:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arquen/pseuds/Arquen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UrsulaCousland/pseuds/UrsulaCousland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's often said that you don't know what you have until it's gone. How many get a chance to correct that? Can it even be corrected? Set mostly during ME2 and DLCs. M for language and to match the game's M rating. Bioware owns Mass Effect and all associated characters. Thank you, Bioware, for your continued support of community creations!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fall

_**Bioware owns all.** _ _I just play with their wonderful toys. Thank you,[Sia](../users/Sia/pseuds/Sia), for beta-ing this. If you have't read Sia's_ [Loved](381038/chapters/622711) _or_ [Paragon of Virtue](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5978328/1/A-Paragon-of-Virtue) _, you should._ _:) Updates should be weekly to bi-weekly. This fic was originally posted on fanfiction.net._

_**Prologue** _

> _This is the end. Hold your breath and count to ten..._
> 
> _\--Adele, Skyfall_

_I need to get that recommendation written for the Council ASAP when I get back. Garrus deserves better than to have me get too busy to do it. It's bullshit that they're even making him jump through these hoops at all. He's already spent a lot more time with a Spectre than I did and a lot more visibly!_

A black-gloved hand dropped the outer hardsuit gauntlet it was holding and waved the 'calendar' aside. Karin Shepard's green eyes flicked across the latest intel on the ship disappearances as she pulled her armored boots on over the skintight black liners. The problem was that there wasn't much information to be had. The details were extremely sketchy, and out here in the Amada system, there weren't exactly a lot of reliable witnesses.

" _Commander, we're reaching drop range for Alchera,"_ Joker's voice came over her omni-tool.

"Got it, Joker. Thanks." Karin responded reflexively. She checked two Engineering reports that needed her 'signature' and marked them acknowledged. With the administrivia handled, she reached into her loadout locker to grab her helmet – and nearly fell headfirst into it as the  _Normandy_  suddenly lurched under her feet.

_What the **hell?**_

She didn't need the sudden "Action Stations" klaxon or the fire alarms to tell her something was seriously wrong.  _Normandy_ shuddered a second time, and she heard explosions. She activated her omni-tool again.

"Pressly! What's the situation?" She demanded – and didn't get an answer. Over the background, she could hear Joker through Pressly's omni-tool.

" _Kinetic barriers are down…multiple hull breaches! …weapons systems offline! Somebody get that fire out!"_

_What the hell did **that** to us, especially if we were running silent?_

At the same moment, the  _Normandy's_  VI downloaded the emergency report to her omni-tool. Joker's information was alarmingly accurate. Red 'alerts' flickered all over her 'tool.

 _Whatever it is, we're screwed. We can replace Normandy, but not the lives of her crew._ Logic didn't make the sense that she was betraying her own ship any easier to take. Her heart sank as she keyed the general order that every ship's captain dreaded - to abandon ship. The alert sounded overhead, ordering everyone to their escape shuttles. Since she was close to the medical bay, she quickly delivered her order in person and made sure the med bay staff complied.

"I admire your dedication and your team's, Doctor, but you'll do everyone more good if you get the hell out." To be safe, she keyed the medbay doors to lock behind them. Just as they closed, another alert fleshed red on her omni-tool. Their distress beacon, their only lifeline to aid right now, had failed to launch and was now powered down as well.

 _OK, that's one I have to fix right fucking now or the evac shuttles are doomed._ She spun and sprinted for the launch bay, her instinctive need to  _act_  overriding her outrage at whatever had done this to  _her_ ship. Thanks to her own specialties, she was also one of the best software and 'tech minds on the ship.

_I'm the best choice to fix this problem. Provided I survive, whoever did this is going to **pay**..._

Shepard ground her teeth in anger as she entered the launch bay. It was already littered with flaming debris, so badly that she had to struggle to reach the manual override panel. With a few motions of her hands and the data in her omni-tool, she started to reactivate the beacon with current information. As she pulled on her helmet and activated the seal, she heard Kaidan Alenko's voice over the suit's comm relay.

"Shepard!" The lieutenant ran up behind her. His voice was Kaidan the friend, not Lieutenant Alenko. He got her Commander Shepard voice back.

"The distress beacon is ready for launch." Karin said, turning her head to double-check the display to make sure everything was set. Between that and the fact that Kaidan had his helmet on, she couldn't see where his eyes were pointed or the worry in them.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" His concerned tone echoed how Shepard was feeling, but she couldn't show that and she knew it. Another explosion shook the deck under their feet, and Kaidan lost his footing. He nearly fell into her, but she caught him before he took them both down. She held onto his arms until he got his balance back. Their eyes met through their respective breather masks.

 _He's worried about me, I know that. I've got to get him out of here or that could get him killed._  Shepard very deliberately forced herself not to dwell on the chances that she just might die herself in this mess.  _Stop it. I have to survive to beat the hell out of whatever attacked us._

"The Alliance won't abandon us. We just need to hold on." She turned and grabbed a fire extinguisher, then threw it to Alenko. "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." Her omni-tool blared yet another alarm – the beacon launch sequencer panel had been damaged.

 _Shit! When did_ _ **that**_ _panel blow? What_ _ **else**_ _is going to go wrong? I'm going to have to bypass that or the beacon is useless – and the Alliance won't even know where to go!_ Kaidan interrupted her thoughts as she rerouted the circuit. "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship."  _That should do it - wait... Joker?_ As they sank in, Kaidan's words didn't surprise her. She also knew where this was probably going. Alenko confirmed it for her in the next breath. "I'm not leaving either."

 _We don't have time for this, Kaidan, damn it!_  She gave up on the panel and advanced on him. To get his attention, she took back the extinguisher.

"I  _ **need**_ _you_  to get the crew onto the evac shuttles.  _ **I'll**_  take care of Joker." As she turned to launch the beacon, an oxygen line blew, causing her to stagger back. She involuntarily gasped in surprise even though her helmet's HUD suppressed most of the flash. The ship lurched again, and she caught herself on a bulkhead strut. Kaidan was still standing there.

"Kaidan,  _go."_ She turned her head to look back at him. " _ **Now.**_ " She  _ordered_. It worked; he turned to go, sounding reluctant.

"Aye aye."

Karin launched the beacon, and headed toward the stairwell to ascend to the CIC and the cockpit. It seemed like the entire ship was in flames; if it hadn't been for her hardsuit and helmet, she wouldn't have been able to see  _or_  breathe. She tried to focus on keeping her feet as the ship shifted from the force of another explosion. She could hear Joker's voice over her suit 'comm, making the mayday call. She focused on his voice – at least he was still alive up there! His voice was desperate, almost as if he was whispering to a dying loved one – which for Joker, he was.

" _Come on, baby, hold together. Hold together!"_  It was almost a prayer.

When she reached the CIC door, the remaining atmosphere in the stairway blasted past her into open space. The top half of  _Normandy's_  fuselage at the CIC was  _gone._  That horrible sight prompted the first wave of fear that she couldn't quite ignore; up until now, she had been too absorbed in dealing with everyone and everything else. The silence of hard vac was surreal after all of the noise in the lower decks, and the sound of her own breathing was absurdly loud in her ears.

As she got closer to the cockpit, she could see the faint shimmer where the emergency containment shield retained a tiny airspace in the cockpit. It was the only thing keeping Joker alive at this point. As she stepped through the field, she could see Joker's hands moving frantically as he tried to make the mortally-wounded ship do  _something_  to outmaneuver whatever had hit her. He had also managed to get his breather helmet on, although he didn't have the benefit of a hard suit to fully protect his fragile body.

 _I really should be pissed at him for ignoring the abandon ship order._ Despite everything, she wasn't. In fact, she was extremely proud of him for doing so well while his beloved  _Normandy_  was being practically shot out from under him.

_H_ _e probably bought everyone on this ship time to get to a shuttle._ _If anyone's a hero in this, Joker, it's you, and I'll be damned if I let you die up here._

Now that Karin could move normally, she stepped forward and grabbed the back of the pilot's couch.

"Come on, Joker, we  _have_  to get out of here."

"No! I can still save her!" Karin heard the certainty that his 'baby' was doomed in his voice. She was torn between pride and sorrow for him, but she still had to get him out of here. Shepard put her hand on his shoulder and pushed her face into his line of sight.

"The  _Normandy's_  lost. Going down with her won't change that." She said pointedly, sounding much more emotionless than she felt.  _And God, Joker, you aren't the only one who hates saying that or hearing it._ She knew she'd succeeded, though, when Joker looked away from her. He sounded beaten when he spoke, and that hurt just as badly.

"Yeah, all right. Help me up." There was resignation in his voice, but she was relieved to hear him agree. Karin reached out to help him, but something else blew close to them, and she ended up falling against the back of the pilot's couch. An alarm blared in her suit, but she ignored it as she stood back up and looked out the containment shield. She saw the same thing Joker had just read from his panel.

"They're coming around for another attack!"

Karin saw the dark shadow that was their attacker blossom with a golden light as it prepared to fire.

_So you're the bastards that I'm gonna owe an ass-kicking._

The hostile ship's cannons tore still more gouges into what remained of her ship. Shepard stepped back towards the CIC to confirm if the ship's spine was still intact. It was, but another hit like that and it would snap _._ Her anger was replaced by fear as she realized just how much damage that one shot had done and how much immediate danger both she and Joker were in. She felt her mouth go dry.

_We're running out of time._

She turned and dashed back to the pilot's couch and reached over it to grab her pilot's upper arm. She winced inwardly as she felt the bone break, though her grip didn't falter.

 _Damn it. I'm sorry, Joker!_  Her inward apology coincided with Joker's shout of pain. "Ow! Watch the arm!"

Karin tried to prevent any further damage as she shifted his weight so she could better support it. They made their way to the bridge escape pod. As they reached it, Shepard shifted his weight off of her shoulders and eased him into the escape couch. She had just latched the protective seat bar down when the  _Normandy_  shuddered again. The remaining bulkhead and shield generator that had been protecting them blew out, blasting Shepard's hard-suited body away from the pod. She couldn't suppress a cry of pain as her body slammed into the remaining struts holding the evac pod's launch tube in place. As the jolt of pain dissipated over her ribs, she heard Joker respond to it.

"Commander!" She heard Joker shout through his comm. He tried to reach for her from his seat, his face fearful, as she struggled to hang onto the strut.

 _At least…I can save one of us!_   _I said I'd be damned if I let you die up here!_ Shepard groaned in pain as she released one hand and slammed it over the manual launch override. As soon as she hit it, she lost her grip entirely and was spun loose to drift in the vacuum. Joker's pod slammed shut, but not before they both saw another flash of weapons fire.

"Shepard!" Karin only vaguely heard her friend's voice over the violent static and the additional alarms suddenly blaring in her suit. As her hardsuited body was thrown about in the shock waves, she lost her orientation briefly. When the chaotic motions stopped and the static from the blast interference faded, she could hear some limited comm chatter between the shuttles as they reported to each other.

 _At least it sounds like a lot of_ them _made it – Thank you, Kaidan -_

That was when she became aware of an ominous hiss from the back of her suit.

_Oh, SHIT._

There was no more denial, and there was no more stopping her fear from ripping through her mind. Her vitals spiked as her body responded to the age old human fight-or-flight instinct. Shepard tried to overwrite that, calling the protocol for suit leaks to mind to help her focus.

_Time to find a suit leak is extremely limited. The joint seals on all current N7 issue hardsuits are designed to self-seal to an extent..._

On the command panel, Joker saw the suit integrity alarms and Shepard's rapidly maxing-out vitals. His agonized shout was picked up by a few of the officers' comms.

" _Joker! What happened?"_ She heard Kaidan's voice, then Tali's, utter the same question. She couldn't even form a coherent response to  _that -_ she was too busy struggling to try to do  _anything_  to save herself. Her body began to tumble haphazardly again, driven by the inertia of her struggles and the atmosphere rapidly leaving her suit.

" _Oh_ _ **GOD!**_ _Shepard got spaced! She's gone!"_  Joker's voice was raw – none of them had ever heard that from him before. " _ **AND IT'S MY GODDAMN FAULT!"**_

She tried to shout out to them, to beg for help, to say  _something_ , but she heard no comm reverb that indicated she was transmitting.

 _Comm failure..._ and now she was alone with the sound of her accelerated breathing and racing heart.

" _ **WHAT?**_ _Joker, where is she?"_ The comm suddenly became a confused cacophony as the other officers responded to Joker. There was so much chatter that it was hard to make anything out.

 _I can't reach the damn bypass..._ Karin tried to find something to dam the leaks or re-enable her suit's comm, but everything she needed was out of reach. With a sinking dread, she realized she was too late.

Shepard was 'spared' immediate unconsciousness, but as the pressure gradient between the suit and hard vac changed, several more pinpoint leaks hissed into existence and more air rushed out of the damaged areas. Cold began to spread rapidly across Shepard's back, and it took  _work_  to breathe now. Her remaining seconds of consciousness crawled by like years as she felt her remaining strength to struggle fade.

* * *

_Her feet thumped along the deck as she played in her mother's cabin on board the_ Exeter. _She'd hated school, but the Academy and N7 changed that. Her graduation had been a proud day for her whole family; she was the first to attend either training. She remembered the Blitz – the sudden, crystal clear focus with which she survived the hours and held off the Batarian forces alone until reinforcements arrived. The day she received her Star of Terra had been a personally proud one; she'd saved a_ lot _of lives. It also changed her career permanently. From there, it was a rapid progression to Normandy._

_She remembered the sudden chill she felt at finding Nihilus dead. Oh God. The Beacon. Being startled by Garrus's nearly hitting Dr. Michele, when outrage warred with admiration. Her relief at finding Tali alive, and with the data they needed to nail Saren. She felt her own soaring pride at her induction as a Spectre._

_She remembered the focused state she'd entered when she was talking Wrex down on Virmire. There was the inevitable sinking feeling at the memory of Ash volunteering to stay behind and make sure the nuke detonated._ _ **God**_ _, Ash, you deserved so much better than that._  Shepard wasn't aware of it, but tears formed in her dying eyes.

 _The rest of the mission against Saren went by in a blur. Oddly, the last thing that she remembered was not the defeat of Saren and Sovereign, or even the attack on the Normandy that was now claiming her life. What she saw next was the last thing she'd expected, although its emotional impact had obviously been very significant. The source was a surprise too – it was her protégée turned close friend who she'd actually_ reprimanded  _when they first met. Not her best first impression, but it had clearly been good enough._

" _I'm going back to C-Sec. I think I can make a difference there. I'm also reapplying for Spectre training, but I'm going to do it_ _ **right**_ _this time…"_

_And I never told him how much that meant to me…_

* * *

After that seeming eternity, Shepard's breathing and the slowing rhythm of her heart faded from her ears. All that remained was oblivion. Her lifeless body, still encased in the hard suit, continued to tumble in the vacuum of space. Shepard's remains eventually started to skip across Alchera's atmosphere. It didn't take long before the suit began to heat well beyond its design tolerances.

The tiny re-entry trail the suit left was lost in the storm of fiery streaks falling from the  _Normandy_  herself, as commander and ship met their fates together.


	2. Honor

_**Bioware owns all** , and thanks again to Sia for her Beta! Edited to fix a plot switch I made while Roleplaying this that I decided to keep in the fic._

_Recommended Music: 'Not Strong Enough' by Apocalyptica, feat. Brent Smith_

 

_**Chapter 1** _

_9th Standard Month, 2183_

" _Six months after the destruction of the_ SSV Normandy _, the_ Normandy  _Attack_   _Investigation Committee has prepared to render its final report to the Systems Alliance government. Several key findings have already been made public. The committee has already cited a lack of reliable intelligence concerning the attacker or attackers. The only remaining information they have is the personal testimony of Jeff 'Joker' Moreau, pilot of the former_ Normandy _._   _Our listeners may recall that 'Joker' Moreau was grounded after the loss of_ Normandy _because of concerns for his mental status, overall physical health, and failure to comply with the Abandon Ship order given by the late Commander Shepard. Survivors of the_ Normandy _disaster have vouched for the fact that_ Normandy _was attacked, which led the Committee to investigate the reliability (or lack thereof) of her stealth drive. We will bring you further details as the committee meeting proceeds._

_When we return, Khalisah al-Jilani will continue her report on the – "_

The news feed was silenced abruptly; the listener had run out of patience. Not that he'd had tremendous amounts of it these days. Otherwise, he wouldn't have just gotten up and abandoned his post at C-Sec. He hadn't seen much point since Shepard's death, honestly.

_I think I've had enough of this collective crap to last a lifetime._

The only organization that seemed to show any interest in  _Normandy_  or Shepard was the Systems Alliance. The Council had returned to business as usual, and the 'Reaper Threat' that Shepard had supposedly been investigating had all but fallen off the LADAR. The team that was most familiar with the threat had scattered without Shepard and  _Normandy_  to keep them together. Joker had been grounded and wasn't likely to see service on an Alliance vessel again. Liara T'Soni had disappeared right after Shepard's memorial service; the brilliant scientist's work was apparently forgotten along with the Reapers.

Wrex had changed a great deal since Shepard talked him into going along with destroying the 'cure' for the genophage. He'd said he could best honor his friend's memory by fighting for his people again. Whether or not he intended that as a response to the Reapers or if he'd just been convinced by Shepard that he  _should_  get involved with his people again wasn't clear. The krogan had left an old bracer with the symbol of Clan Urdnot in the empty coffin at Shepard's funeral, and then left for Tuchanka not long after the memorial.

Tali had decided to return to the Migrant Fleet and complete her Pilgrimage. He knew that  _Normandy_  had been scheduled to take Tali to a rendezvous with the Fleet on her last assignment. However, the ship got diverted to investigate the ship disappearances…and then…

_Right. So much for that._

_And when I even tried to bring the Reapers back up, I got dropped behind a desk and buried in paperwork. What was it Pallin said? "Vacation's over, Vakarian. Stop playing Spectre and get back to work." Yeah. That'd be great if what I did actually accomplished anything. Instead, I haven't done a damn thing worth doing since…since I left_ Normandy _, really._   _At least back then, there was the chance of something more._

Garrus hadn't had the heart to delete the last message he'd gotten from Shepard. She'd been afraid her own agitations about the Reapers were going to reflect poorly on his Spectre candidacy.

He distracted himself by pulling the message up on his omni-tool and rereading it. He could almost hear Shepard's voice and inflections in the words. Some of them even made him flare his mandibles in amusement.

* * *

_Garrus,_

_I can't believe they're making you do the entire program over again. It's complete BS in my opinion. You spent a lot longer with a Spectre than I ever did, with much more visible results. Unfortunately, your association with me_ _**may** _ _be the problem. I hope it's not, but I can't rule it out._

 _The Council just wants me out of their collective hair, horns, and fringes. They want any reminders about Sovereign and the Reapers to go away, but you and I both know they won't._ Sovereign _was just a warning. Those idiots gave us medals for winning a skirmish. The war is still coming._

_At least Anderson still gets it. I'm just really glad he's the human Councilor and not that weasel Udina. That would have been a disaster._

_Wow, rereading that, I can see that the Council is annoying me as much as C-Sec is you. Still, you know I'll write anything they want as far as reports or recommendations go if it'll get you out of this mess. If anyone that might be considered for Spectre right now deserves to be one, it's you. I will do anything I can to make that happen._

_I know C-Sec is getting under your skin. If it gets to be too much, there's a spot on_ Normandy  _for you. I'll find a way; just say the word._

_-KMS_

_Commander Karin M. Shepard, Council Spectre_

_Commanding Officer, SSV Normandy_

* * *

With morbid fascination, he glanced at the timestamp. She had sent it mere hours before she died. When he'd read it, she may have already been dead. Garrus closed his eyes, for the moment giving in to sorrow. He really hadn't realized how deeply Shepard's death would affect him. She'd become a trusted friend as well as a mentor, and he missed that. He missed  _her_. He felt an old anger rise again, mostly at himself, but also at Shepard.

 _I should have been there, damn it. I almost talked myself out of going for Spectre again before you left. Hell, I was ready to pack my crap back onto the ship! Why did you support it so enthusiastically? If I hadn't listened, if I hadn't stayed off of_ Normandy _, there's no way you would have died that day. I would have seen to that, and I don't care what that bastard Alenko said about not being able to disobey that order. I'd have dragged your ass to a shuttle and sealed you there. Now, you're gone and there's nothing I can do to step up, especially not here. And being a Spectre? I stayed here for something that will never happen, and we both paid the price._

_When you died, everything fell apart. With the squad, with the Reapers..._

_with me... Damn it. Damn it all._

When he opened his eyes again, a glimmer of reflected light from his weapons rack drew his gaze. He peered at it, momentarily puzzled, and then got up to examine it more closely. It came from the one weapon on that rack he'd never used. It was one of the few things he had left that could be directly tied to Shepard, and he was still amazed he had it at all.

It was, of course, a sniper rifle; one of three he currently possessed. However, this one was an HMWSR X Master Spectre-issue weapon. It was a proof-of-concept prototype and possibly the only one that existed. For whatever reason, Captain Hannah Shepard had decided that  _he_  should have it. Shepard's mother also sent a moving message about how highly 'Karin' had spoken of him when they last met. She'd also mentioned that the only reason the rifle hadn't gone down with  _Normandy_  was a manufacturing delay.

He'd left it untouched for weeks, unable to even get past opening the case. He'd finally assembled it about a month ago, and taken it to the C-Sec range. It was everything that it should have been, and as close to perfect as any rifle he'd ever fired. He was familiar with Shepard's tastes in rifles, and he was certain she'd have loved it. When he'd returned from the range, he'd cleaned it thoroughly and put it on the rack for the first time. He'd then wrapped his medal from the Battle of the Citadel around the stock. Finally, he'd moved the last holo he had of the entire team, taken on the hangar deck after Feros, next to it as well. He hadn't meant to turn the area into a shrine, but that was what it had become.

_Shepard would have hated this. She'd be calling anyone who ever did this a fool, especially me, and rightfully so. There are still wrongs out there to be righted. Even if no one's listening about the Reapers, there's still enough injustice out there that I can easily do something about it. Especially if I get off the Citadel and away from all the bureaucratic bullshit. I might even be able to build a team out of this. I know I can't be the only one left who hates injustice._

_She'd approve, I think. It's the best thing I can do, at least for now, to keep her memory alive._

Leaving the Citadel wouldn't even be all that difficult. With his knowledge of C-Sec and raw skill, he could make a very clean break. He could do it so thoroughly that even someone as skilled as Tali or Shepard would have a hard time tracing his trail.

Respectfully, he picked up the prototype rifle and broke it down, placing it back into its original case. There was room for spare scopes as well; he only had one extra, so he placed the holo and medal in the other slots. By the time he'd done that, he'd already decided what steps to take to sever his ties. He could be gone completely in less than a standard Citadel week.

He'd also chosen a name for the new rifle.


	3. Die Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bioware owns all, and SiaLater rocks as a beta! Also, my thanks to ErsbethShadowsong (of DeviantArt), author of the wonderful The Spectre and Archangel, for her beautiful and inspirational work! (Check it out – if you haven't, you're missing out!)Please review if you have a moment - I welcome and request constructive feedback! :)
> 
> Recommended Song: 'Die Another Day', by Madonna

 

_**Chapter 3** _

_Unidentified Cerberus Base/Freedom's Progress_

  
_8_ _th_ _Standard Month, 2185_

_So…let me get this straight. I've been dead two years, my team scattered to the proverbial four winds, no one's doing a damned thing about the Reapers, and I have common cause with fucking Cerberus, of all things. Did I miss anything?_

Karin's mind worked over the events of the past standard day. She'd gone from a surgical ward directly into a firefight. Then she was informed by two people she had very little reason to trust that she had been dead.  _Dead_.

 _If I didn't remember the last things I remember so vividly, I'd be inclined to think they were lying. But my memories…_ Shepard suppressed a shudder.  _They seem very, very real. As do the scars._

She had to admit to herself she was feeling more than a little overwhelmed, extremely dubious, and, truth be told, a bit confused.

_I'd have to be, if I can hold a conversation with the Illusive Man without flat-out telling him to go to hell…_

Her 'host' asked her to check out the most recent colony to disappear before she made any more judgments. She'd reluctantly agreed. There was a chance that what these people were telling her was true. A few quick searches on her new omni-tool backed up that theory so far. A  _lot_  of human lives had already vanished without a trace, and that was enough to get Shepard's attention despite the rest of her circumstances. It was all she had to go on, but it was something.

When she emerged from the comm room, Jacob intercepted her. He'd clearly been waiting for that door to open.

"Commander, Miranda and I have been briefed on what we're going to be doing. Before what happened on Lazarus station, I was asked to order you some equipment to hold you until you could select your own. I took some liberties, knowing your previous specialties and N7 background. Once we get back from Freedom's Progress, we should have time to set you up with Cerberus's considerable resources if there's anything else you want."

 _Well, he's enthusiastic, I'll give him that – and_ he's  _at least been vaguely honest with me so far. He also sounds pleased with himself, so let's see how he did._ Karin nodded at the former Alliance officer. "Show me what you have, please," she said calmly.

"Right this way, Commander." Jacob led her back out into the staging area near the shuttle bay. He keyed a combination into a walk-in storage locker, and transmitted the passcode to her. Her omni-tool beeped in acknowledgement. The locker was  _huge_. It contained several cases that probably contained sniper rifles, several more pistol cases, and at least three suits of armor. Karin's eyebrow skated toward her hairline as she spotted a full set of N7-issue ceramic ablative body armor. That wasn't everyday stuff. Ironically, she'd died in a suit of it. This looked different, though. Perhaps it was an upgraded model.

 _Where did Cerberus get - never mind, I don't want to know right now._  She cracked her knuckles and looked for one of the rifle cases; first things first, of course. Several of the top manufacturers' logos gleamed at her, but she took her time choosing which one to examine first. There were some good manufacturers there, but not what she –

_Wait a second…_

Her eyes went to a brushed steel, shadowy grey case with the HMWSR logo. Cases for Master line rifles were black, but still, maybe it was worth a look. Meditatively, Shepard pulled the case from the rack and opened it. She lifted the rifle out of its case and examined it. It was one from their Elite line, one she vaguely remembered. They weren't bad, but they weren't the Masters or prototypes she'd been spoiled by. She fired up her omni-tool and referenced the model for a quick glance. That and a cursory check of the model told her what she wanted to know. The specs were still solid, and she could make it work. It was all she had until she could see how far her reputation as a Spectre did or didn't go.

 _I'll have to try to find one of the Master line models, but hopefully this means Cerberus's reach only goes so far. Speaking of Master rifles, I wonder whatever happened to the one I never actually_ got _?_  Karin frowned. That prototype was supposed to have been a hell of a rifle, and she had looked forward to trying it out. In the middle of all of this mess, Karin snorted at herself.  _Listen to me, mooning over a rifle I never got – one I had named before I even held it._ Vigilance _._ That name seemed appropriate after the Battle of the Citadel.

_Hopefully it went to someone who will properly appreciate it._

Karin hefted the rifle – and noticed that it didn't come with a scope at all. She frowned, and scanned the racks for scopes. When she found what she was looking for, she smiled for what was probably the first time since she woke up into chaos. She went straight to a case whose logo was very distinctive, but seemed large for just a scope. She saw why when she opened it.

 _Holy shit. Ariake finally did make an integrated Kawashi scope and visor kit. Maybe I really_ was _dead for two years…or hell just froze over. I wonder if Garrus -_

Her thoughts stopped dead at that. Thinking of her friend was reflexive. And sobering. Karin felt a brief moment of sorrow.

 _What would_ he  _think of this fustercluck? Would he even speak to me if he knew about Cerberus?_ Shepard tapped her omni-tool, but then thought better of it. She hadn't had a chance to go through this new 'tool to clean off any little Cerberus surprises. She was certain command loggers were the least of its problems.

_Easy there, Shepard. One thing at a time. Maybe it's better this way, until I get a better handle on what's really happening._

That was a hard admission. There were others she should try to find as well. She sighed and turned back to the gun racks. It was more than time to get started. The sooner she had some idea of the truth, the sooner she could start doing something about whatever that truth was.

* * *

The shuttle's thrusters hummed gently as the pilot set up the FTL jump. Karin sat on a forward-facing couch. She directly inspected the body language and apparent emotional status of her two temporary squadmates. Jacob seemed fairly straightforward; he took the Collector threat seriously and appeared to believe it was real. Miranda was harder to read. However, a certain amount of pride and confidence in her bearing suggested that Karin might be butting heads with her at various times. Even though the woman had assured Shepard that Karin was in command by the Illusive Man's direct order, Miranda herself seemed reluctant to accept it.

 _We'll see how long it takes for her to try to take charge,_ Karin mused to herself.

It turned out Karin was correct. The subtle challenge started when they reached Freedom's Progress and discovered a Quarian extraction team within a few minutes of arrival. Fortunately, Tali'Zorah vas Neema was leading the Quarians, and between the two of them, Karin and her old friend practically ignored Miranda's influence all together.

Any pretense of subtlety from Miranda ended when they found Veetor. Miranda immediately tried to take control, demanding that Veetor go with the Cerberus team. Tali objected immediately, obviously fearing for Veetor's safety in Cerberus hands.

 _All right, Miranda, that's enough. It's time to see if I leave you on-base permanently or not._  Karin stepped forward, speaking directly to Tali.

"Veetor goes with Tali, and Tali will share the data with us. Both sides benefit this way." Shepard said decisively to her team, in a tone that brooked no argument. Miranda hesitated, and then nodded.

"It's your decision, Commander," she said with obvious reluctance.

 _You're damn right it is. And I don't care how harmless you think a Cerberus interrogation team would be,_ _ **I**_ _don't believe it for a moment_. Karin waited for Tali's answer. Once that conflict was settled, Karin tried another tactic.

"Are you sure you can't come with us, Tali? We will be going after the Collectors and I could certainly use your help."  _And a friend who will have my back,_  Karin added silently to herself.

"I can't, Shepard. What I'm doing for the Migrant Fleet is of critical importance. I'm sorry." Tali shook her head.

"I understand, Tali. Take care of yourself." Karin said. Internally, she sighed to herself.

_Damn. Oh well, it was worth a shot. At least one old friend is willing to take me at face value._

Karin assigned Miranda and Jacob the initial review of Veetor's data on the ride back to HQ. She uploaded a copy of the data to her personal storage. Then, she completely wiped her 'tool and made certain it was free of any Cerberus 'extras'.

_All right, I believe the threat, if nothing else. Still, if I'm going to be teaming with Cerberus, we're going to do this my way. If the Illusive Man doesn't like it, he can always fire me._

* * *

Shepard's conflict with the Illusive Man was only beginning, it turned out, but he certainly didn't seem intent on firing her just yet. He was presuming too much in recruiting a team for her, but Karin could deal with that problem on her own time.

Sitting on her couch after a hot shower, though, she suddenly felt mentally exhausted. She leaned forward, closing her eyes and massaging her temples, as she tried to sort out her thoughts.

_If I wasn't in the middle of all this, I'd never believe it was happening. I'm still not sure I do anyway._

_For that matter, do I even know_ **what**   _to believe any more?_

The transition from galactic hero to dead woman to supposedly recreated hero left a lot of unanswered questions. That and the Collector threat were the only certainties Karin had accepted so far. She  _did_  know beyond a doubt that the Illusive Man and his Cerberus operatives weren't giving her the whole story. Despite the very attractive carrots they were extending, including the extraordinary second  _Normandy_ , she was concerned about the stick she wasn't yet seeing.

She eased herself back onto the couch and stared up at the ceiling of her new quarters. They certainly were luxurious, but they felt strange to her. She stared out of the transparent panel above her bed for a moment and let her thoughts drift. She immediately realized her mistake, but she was too late to stop the flood of memories.

She remembered hunting for Joker, going through the entire ship and seeing that Liara and Kaidan had been successful in getting everyone they could off the  _Normandy_  before the ship succumbed to the damage. She remembered getting Joker to a shuttle, and getting blasted into space as she launched his pod. She hadn't realized her suit was already venting. She remembered feeling her air run out, the cold, and the feeling of futility. Following that, there was a odd blurr of images and…then, nothing. Oblivion.

 _I know what it's like to_ die _._ Alone _._

She stared at nothing for a moment, feeling her heart race as evidence she was definitely alive, even if she suddenly felt completely overwhelmed. She quickly shook that feeling off before it could take root, and realized that her eyes had filled with tears.

 _Come on, Shepard,_ focus _._ She scrubbed at her eyes, feeling ridiculous.  _If what I'm told is even vaguely true, I_ have  _to accept that Cerberus, at least, takes the Reaper threat somewhat seriously. More so than the Council or the Alliance do. If that means the enemy of my enemy is my ally for now, I can accept that._

_At least until I can find a better way._

She sighed. "EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

Karin chuckled to herself. Even with all the concerns AI and VI research carried, if EDI was indeed a true AI, she deserved as much respect as anyone else did.

_Never mind what Joker says about you._

"I'd like you to do some catch-up research for me, please. I need to see the original casualty list for the first  _Normandy_ , the dossiers on the survivors, and the current whereabouts of my team who were present when we dealt with  _Sovereign_  who weren't on the  _Normandy_ when she went down. I want to know the whereabouts of anyone who was on that team."

"I will make them available on your private terminal momentarily, Commander Shepard."

"Thanks, EDI."

As EDI found the information and displayed it, Karin went through the dossiers the Illusive Man had sent for the people  _he_  wanted her to recruit. He'd at least hinted he was willing to consider Tali. Karin planned to hold him to that. She also wanted to try and locate some more of her own people, people she trusted, or at least had two years ago. She glanced at the official report regarding the original  _Normandy_ 's demise, and the official casualty list. It was mercifully short; shorter than it certainly could have been. Still, too many had joined her name on that record.

 _Shepard, Karin Moira. Commanding Officer,_ SSV Normandy SR-1. _Council Spectre._

Seeing it in stark, official lettering in the report gave her pause a second time. That was the strangest aspect of all of this.

 _Of course, strictly speaking, I_   _don't belong there anymore._

She shivered, flicked the report aside, and moved on to the dossiers. Of her old squad, there were a few names left on EDI's cross check. She waved Tali's aside for now, since she knew where to find her. She looked the other summaries over hopefully, but felt her hopes sink as she read them.

 

> _T'Soni, Liara._
> 
> Race: Asari
> 
> Status: Alive
> 
> Whereabouts: Known (Illium)
> 
> Association(s): The Shadow Broker
> 
> [CLASSIFIED INFORMATION REDACTED]
> 
> [End of File]

Karin flipped Liara's dossier aside with a flick of the wrist.  _No. With ties to the Shadow Broker, The Illusive Man probably won't bite, and I'm not sure I like that either. You're good, but I hope whatever drove you to that hasn't put you in over your head, Liara._

> _Vakarian, Garrus._
> 
> Race: Turian
> 
> Status: Unknown
> 
> Whereabouts: Unknown
> 
> Associations: Formerly Citadel Security (C-Sec)
> 
> [Record Incomplete]
> 
> [End of File]

She stopped reading yet again, but this time, she was annoyed.

 _Shit._   _I wonder what happened there?_  Karin frowned.  _Whatever drove_ him _off the grid isn't trivial. If he was a Spectre now, I'd think Cerberus would know._  She sighed.

_I hope you're still out there, Garrus. You deserve better than an unknown fate in an incomplete Cerberus dossier._

Frustrated, she flicked her hand at the interface, flipping both dossiers into the 'trash'. Since she knew where Tali was now, those two were the ones she most hoped to find. Not only had they both been invaluable against Saren and  _Sovereign_ , she had actually had a chance to establish close friendships with them. Her relationships with those two and Tali had been sanity-savers at various times.

 _I didn't think their being non-Alliance would make that much difference. I also don't think I appreciated back then how isolating command would be. Maybe I_ still _don't._ _Or maybe Kaidan was too damn wrapped up in regs he couldn't think past the letter of the law. Maybe I resented his constant harping more than I thought I did. Regardless, it guaranteed I avoided him like the plague._

The next dossier made her wince.

_Speak of the devil..._

There hadn't been anything between them other than a professional relationship, but when he could shut up about regs, it was clear the man had been  _very_  interested. It was not an interest Karin had returned.

> _Alenko, Kaidan_
> 
> Race: Human
> 
> Status: Active
> 
> Association: Alliance Military (Staff Commander)
> 
> Location: [Classified]
> 
> Service Record (Continue…)

_That's not much help. What else are you not telling me, 'boss'?_ The thought of the Illusive Man made her sneer. She was already tired of dealing with him, and she was sure there would be trouble with him sooner or later. The last dossier appeared on her terminal.

> _Urdnot, Wrex, AKA Urdnot Wrex_ (Krogan cultural usage)
> 
> Race: Krogan
> 
> Status: Active
> 
> Whereabouts: Tuchanka
> 
> (Continue…)

_Maybe. He might take convincing, but on the other hand…if I know Wrex, he has his own agenda on Tuchanka._ She flicked Wrex's record aside, too, and stared at her blank terminal.

Karin logged out of her personal terminal and rubbed her temples. She then ran her fingers lightly over her cheeks. The scars left from the Lazarus Project were still livid on her face, and hadn't healed much, if at all, since her 'awakening'. They still burned and itched by turns, and every once in a while, they overrode her ability to ignore them _._ Dr. Chakwas had concluded that the strange-looking scars were a result of the cybernetics used to rebuild parts of her face and body. Cerberus had taken liberties with areas that had failed complete regeneration beyond what the existing technology could do. At least Cerberus had shared most of the relevant records regarding her own 'reconstruction' with the good Doctor.

 _If that's the worst side effect, I'll live._ _Oh well. Looks like Omega is the best place to start, then. That'll potentially be three team members I can pick up and start evaluating. Then I can decide if the Illusive Man's 'recruiting' skills as far as my team goes are worth jack._ She got up and headed to the elevator that would take her to the CIC.

 _At least The Illusive Man_ did _get Joker and the Normandy back together._ She smiled. That _part I like._


	4. Something...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bioware owns all. As always, my thanks to SiaLater for her beta.

" _You always were the one to show me how_  


_Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now_

_This thing is slowly taking me apart_

_Grey would be the color if I had a heart."_

  
_-Something I Can Never Have,_ Nine Inch Nails

**Chapter 4**

_Omega/Normandy_

_9th Standard Month, 2185_

Tartarus was a poor shadow of Afterlife, and everyone knew it, but it was still a halfway decent bar that hired reasonably attractive dancers. Besides, it allowed some anonymity because it was small. People who might not want to be recognized could go and have a few beers in relative peace. For the twelve patrons who were probably the last customers of the night, it was even a decent place to celebrate.

Their leader, though, was still going over the past few hours, and was more focused on the surroundings than the camaraderie.

Tonight's raid had gone off without a hitch. He, personally, had taken out the second-in-command of Eclipse on Omega. There were barely any casualties. He had every reason to be happy, and to be very proud of his team. He knew very well that even  _she_  would have had a hard time making an operation go that smoothly. It was things like this that earned him a new identity, and demonstrated just how far he'd come in two years.

_Archangel._

He'd looked up the term, and found that in human legend, an archangel was a powerful avenging spirit. He was flattered, but in a way, it made him a little uncomfortable. He wasn't sure it really  _fit_. True, his team operated under a "No Civilian Casualties" rule. Sometimes, though, that line blurred when it came to close friends or associates of his targets. Some of the actions that earned him the nickname weren't entirely noble. They  _worked_ , but he knew Karin wouldn't have always approved of his methods.

It took him a moment to realize he'd just called Shepard by her given name in his thoughts. As if thinking of her drew his focus, he realized with a start what the date was.

_It'll be two years to the day tomorrow. Damn._

Garrus rubbed his face, suddenly feeling very tired. This mission had been demanding, true, but facing the loss of Shepard, took what remained of his energy from him. It took him a moment to realize that Butler was trying to get his attention.

"Hey Boss! You OK? We lost you there for a minute!" The human regarded him with what looked like curiosity. After all his time in C-Sec and on  _Normandy_ , Garrus was at least reasonable at reading human expressions. He considered for a moment before answering. Butler was former C-Sec. He was almost as much Garrus's protégée as Garrus had been Shepard's, but after a moment, the turian decided not to elaborate overmuch. He shook his head and stood up. Everyone's eyes suddenly were on him.

"Just…thinking about past ops and considering the next one," he half-lied. "I think I'm going to call it a night, but I'm leaving the tab open. You've all earned it. Just make sure you're over it in forty-eight hours." He flared his mandibles at the team with an amusement he didn't feel and a pride that he did.

 _No one can argue that we're hitting the mercs hard, and where it hurts. I think she_ would  _be impressed by that._

As he turned to leave, he met eyes with Lantar Sidonis, who made an offhand comment about being fashionably late. The other turian also asked if he was all right; Sidonis could read him better than any of the rest of the team simply because of their shared heritage. Garrus sighed.

"I'm calling it a night. I just have a lot on my mind," he said to his friend. "Tab's still open, though, and I think they'll want to hear that story about the Asari and the Elcor you didn't get to finish last time." Sidonis flared his mandibles and chuckled, but he also watched Garrus leave with an expression of concern. There may have been a hint of something else on his face as well, but it was quickly replaced by relief as he turned back to the team.

"What'd I miss?" Sidonis asked as he claimed a seat and a dextro-ale that Garrus had apparently ordered before he left.

* * *

Butler saw the exchange between Garrus and Lantar. Something seemed out of place, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

 _Just when you think you can read turians, they throw you a curve. Typical._  Butler sighed, and made a mental note of the exchange just in case. He sipped his beer and, as an afterthought, checked the chrono on his omnitool. He swallowed the beer and sucked in a breath when he noticed the date.

_Second day, ninth standard month._ _Why does that ring a bell?_

A few finger taps over the holographic 'tool answered his question, as he pulled up several news stories about preparations for a small memorial service for the  _SSV Normandy_ and her fallen, to be held by followers of the Enkindlers on the third in Shepard Memorial Plaza.

Butler was the only one who had seen the old team picture from  _Normandy_  that Garrus kept. He was the only one who had noted the significance, just as he was the only one who knew  _most_  of "Archangel's" past. He sighed, feeling a moment's regret on the turian's behalf.

 _Shit. This had to have been hard for him._ Butler turned to his beer again, lost in thought and only half-listening to the rest of the team swapping war stories.  _All of us sitting around celebrating and swapping the shit while he's remembering what_ their _team was like…_

* * *

Garrus made his way back to his team's base. Checking his six for followers was habit, but he made doubly certain of it tonight. That last operation was bound to have repercussions, and they could start at any time. In the mood he was in, he'd have been more than happy to oblige any confrontations or traps they'd try. He didn't let his guard down, or as down as it got these days, until he was ensconced in his HQ with another turian stout.

To be completely honest, he was surprised at himself. He thought that taking a more direct hand in making the galaxy a better place would make coping with losing Shepard easier. Even two years later, he felt as if part of him was missing. Losing her had torn a hole in his life that he was trying to fill with righteous wrath and a body count.

And it wasn't working.

He turned his gaze to the holo of the team that he'd brought from the Citadel and the rifle nearest to it on the rack. One thing was certain. He'd come to Omega without a real plan, and ended up forming a crack team and succeeding beyond his hopes in bringing some order to the hellhole. The merc gangs were starting to be too busy trying to hit back at Archangel and his cohorts to engage in many other abuses these days. His success wasn't enough to erase the pain he felt over losing Shepard, but at least it did give him focus and kept it from consuming him. Besides, he wasn't truly alone in the endeavor. There was a certain symbolic justice in using a rifle intended for her and  _named_  for her to keep her memory alive. He ran his thumb over the name etched on the stock. He'd learned to write the human version; there was no equivalent in turian names.

_Karin._

One thought continued to nag him as he did so.

_Admit it, if you could go back to Normandy, you'd have put her ass in a life pod. Maybe you'd be gone, but she wouldn't be._

_If you could have one thing, it would be to have Karin back in your life._

The stout was gone far too fast, and it was very difficult to seek out something stronger. Instead, he did what Shepard had always done – and part of what he admired so much about her.

In spite of everything else, he focused on the mission. It was all he had left.

* * *

"Joker, status report." Shepard stood in the  _Normandy_  conference room, having taken a few moments for herself after dismissing Miranda and Jacob. At least she had a clear course of action now, and that was something.

" _All systems are nominal, Commander. Just tell me where to go. Well, anywhere but what you told me last time I said that. We still don't have a relay that goes there."_  The innate humor in Joker's voice came through over the 'comm, and Karin chuckled. At least Joker was still reliable.

"Go ahead and set a course for Omega, then. I guess that will have to do."

" _Um, Commander, isn't that just about the same thing?"_  Joker asked dubiously. Karin couldn't blame him from what she'd found about the place so far.

"Maybe, but it's also where we can pick up three potential team members, so that's where we need to get started. And admit it – we  **do** have a relay that goes  **there**." Karin shrugged, even if Joker couldn't see it. Her pilot laughed.

" _Aye aye, Commander. Joker out."_

Karin pulled up the three dossiers on her potential recruits on Omega. The very idea already set her teeth on edge, but she was willing to grin and bear it if the leads checked out. The Illusive Man had located a promising-looking Salarian scientist and a very high-priced merc, but the dossier that interested her most was for the vigilante leader Archangel. If the dossier was accurate, Archangel was a top-end sniper as well as a brilliant small-squad tactical leader.

_Like it or not, I need a second on this team who isn't Miranda – someone I can actually trust. This guy looks good in holo, but I'll have to see him in action before I can make any decisions. I just have to wonder past he's hiding from, with an alias like that. I mean, yeah, he has to watch his six, but you don't just name yourself Archangel to keep a low profile. If I were a criminal, that'd be pretty damn arrogant – and maybe a little intimidating, if he's really that good._

She didn't have time to delve further into Archangel's past, and for now, she didn't need to. Even if he was a loose cannon, he might be a better option than Miranda.

_I'll make that decision when the time comes._

Karin rubbed her eyes tiredly. It wasn't that she disliked Miranda. The woman had a job to do, and she did it extremely well. However, Shepard couldn't bring herself to trust her XO, even if the woman was supremely competent and of sufficiently strong personality. That control chip admission was going to be a barrier, and probably the main reason Karin was going to leave her on the ship as much as she could.

_Besides, Miranda's real strength as far as I'm concerned is managing the Illusive Man so I don't have to. I'll need that. I want her focused on what we can do to upgrade this new Normandy so we stand a chance if the Collectors show up again. That should be a serious enough threat to keep her from making too much trouble._

_Speaking of R &D…_Karin flipped Archangel's dossier aside and expanded Dr. Solus's. The former STG agent had an impressive service record, and had served with Captain Kirrahe. Karin smiled. She liked the captain and had been very glad she could save his people as well as  **most** of her own. The smile faded, and Shepard sighed.

 _Don't think about Ash now. The only thing I can do to honor her is to succeed and make her sacrifice worth it._  With all of her former discipline, she refocused her attention on Solus's record. He was running a clinic now, of all things.

_I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Salarians only live about forty years if they're lucky. Still, I can't imagine "retiring" to Omega, of all places. The Normandy might just be safer for a short while._

Finally, Shepard took a glance at the last dossier, one for a freelance merc. Zaeed Masaani had a formidable reputation, but not all of it was good.

_We'll see. If the Illusive Man is paying him enough that he remembers to follow orders, we'll get along just fine._

Karin closed the information terminal HUD and checked her 'tool. She still had a few hours before they reached Omega. It was time to try to sleep – she'd need it.

"Recruiting" Masaani hadn't been a problem; Karin simply had to find him. However, her choice between pursuit of Archangel or Solus was made for her by circumstances. A plague in a place as contained as Omega was begging for more widespread trouble, especially if it got off-station. Local intel, if Aria could be believed, said that Archangel was running out of time, but Karin had to reluctantly make the choice between one life and potentially thousands (or more).

_I'm sorry, Archangel. If you can hold out, I'll be there as soon as I can._


	5. Archangel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bioware owns all. As always, my thanks to SiaLater for her beta. I also need to thank Arquen for her feedback and suggestions. If she doesn't wind up as a co-author on this I'll be shocked. Thanks, my friend! 
> 
> 3/13/2017: Updated to fix one typo and a couple of tiny continuity problems that were bugging me. The replay of ME2 and ME3 pre-Andromeda has brought the Shakarian plot bunnies out of the woodwork.

 

 

 

 

" _In this place, it seems like such a shame_

_Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same._

_Everywhere I look, you're all I see_

_Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be…"_

  
_\- Something I Can Never Have;_ Nine Inch Nails

**Chapter 5**

_Somewhere in Omega's Underbelly_

  
_9_ _th_ _Standard Month, 2185_

_One shot, one kill._ It was a mechanical routine now.

He was tired. So tired. Rage and adrenaline had only carried him so far, and he was starting to feel the effects fading. Rage at himself, for getting his men killed. Rage at Sidonis, for betraying them all. Rage at the mercs, because it would be back to the status quo when he was gone, even if he took as many with him as he could. Of course, his deepest rage still smoldered, deep down, but those coals wouldn't die until he did.

Rage at Shepard, for dying. Rage at himself, for not being there to stop it.

 _Some "Archangel" I am,_ he thought bitterly, the human term for an avenging spirit ringing hollowly in his mind.  _Shepard got caught completely off guard and over half the_ Normandy's  _crew still made it. I get caught off guard, and now I'm the only one left._ He casually drew a bead on one of the freelancers and dropped him. He swapped the heat sink and dropped a second merc. He then dropped into cover to pull a few more 'sinks into easy reach.

* * *

The modified skycar that delivered them to the merc standoff was driven by another Blue Suns merc. It quietly drifted to a halt at the end of an alley entrance. As the batarian driver briefed them, Karin gave the surroundings a quick assessment. What she saw told her a lot. It was just like crowded planetside neighborhoods in a way; there were several branches off of the alley that would make it seem like a maze. It was the same sort of street and alley layout that she'd exploited during the Blitz. She nodded approval to herself as the driver departed.

 _Nice kill zone. I can see how Archangel's been able to hold out so long. Let's hope I can make this work_ for _us and not against us. Alternatively, let's hope we can stay out of Archangel's scope until we're ready to demonstrate that we're on the same side._ As if she'd said her thoughts out loud, Zaeed added his observation.

"In's gonna be easy. Out's gonna be a bitch."

Karin glanced at him saw Dr. So – Mordin - nod agreement in her peripheral vision. The salarian looked different. He'd insisted on disguising himself somewhat so that his missing horn was less obvious. The STG background served him well, because the modification was hard to spot.

"Stay focused. Let's worry about reaching him first", Shepard commented, deliberately not saying their goal's name. She stepped forward, watching two snipers trying to get shots off from behind a nearby barricade. As they got close, one of the freelancers dropped bonelessly. The entry wound was readily apparent and perfectly placed between the merc's eyes. Karin ducked behind the barricade and took a quick look over it. There was another lengthy alleyway beyond it, and more barricades. She waved Masaani and Solus onward. She waited for the distant report of a rifle, and then seized the chance to take a quick look at the loft at the end of the alley. Her new visor helped her pick out the shape of a turian helmet.

_So there's our guy. Damn. He's a good shot, I'll give him that. I wonder…_

For the briefest instant, at the sight of the turian vigilante, she let her thoughts slip. She was fortunate that the rare lapse of focus didn't cost her her life.

* * *

Garrus ejected yet another spent heat sink and reloaded. As he reloaded, he couldn't stop himself from running his thumb over the name he'd inscribed on the rifle's stock.

 _Karin_. At least some aspect of her was with him in his final hours.

He'd done that after making up his mind to come to Omega and try to make a real difference, like  _she_  did. He closed his eyes for a moment. The odds were very good that once the mercs rooted him out, things would go back to where they started on Omega very quickly. It would be as if he'd never done anything.

_I'm sorry, Shepard. I tried._

When he opened his eyes again, a flicker of movement at the far end of the alley drew his attention. It looked like three more poor sods had been dropped off for target practice. He raised the rifle scope to his eye, allowing it to synch with the visor. Even at this distance, the three newcomers looked better equipped and more dangerous than any freelancers he'd seen. What he saw right before the apparent leader dropped behind the barricades caused him to suck in a breath and hold it in shock.

 _That –_ _ **can't be.**_ Garrus pulled the rifle down slightly to check the scope settings and re-synch the visor. The process took seconds, which was fine, since he could hit a closer merc without it. He took the shot and dropped another freelancer. Then, he turned back to the farthest barricade. Through the scope, he could just pick out the person he thought he'd seen. He zoomed in further.

 _ **SHEPARD?**_ The newcomers' leader certainly  _looked_  like her, right down to the scar through her right eyebrow. The eyes were the same distinctive green color, although one was only somewhat visible through a human version of a sniper visor. Still, there were differences. Not the least of which was an assortment of fine lines over her face, lit with a dull orange glow. There was also a haunted look on her face that he'd have missed  _if_  he didn't know her as well as he did. It wasn't all that different from how she looked when she was trying to come to terms with Williams' death.

_Spirits! What the hell happened to you? Where have you –_

His thoughts were interrupted by a targeting alert from his own suit. He ducked behind the wall as several incendiary rounds bounced harmlessly off of the concrete around him.

 _I have to be hallucinating…or am I seeing her spirit? Is that even possible?_ As he tried to come to terms with what his tired eyes and brain were telling him, he had a crazy idea.

 _If she's a spirit, could anyone even do anything to her? She's trying to stick to cover._ Something in his gut drove him to check. He set the rifle to fire a concussive round. He waited for a pause in the gunfire towards his location. When it happened, he quickly raised his rifle and sighted down the alley. Sure enough, there she was.

He fought the temptation to close his eyes as he gently eased the trigger. His target flew backward, just like any ordinary mortal hit with a concussive round.

* * *

Shepard realized her distraction almost instantly, but it was still too late. Before she could even breathe, the impact of a concussive round knocked her flat on her ass and dropped her shields.

 _FUCK!_ She hadn't honestly thought she was that far out of cover.

Shepard cursed her foolishness roundly as she tried to reorient herself and scramble back  _into_  cover. Her shields quickly started to regenerate, but she was too busy analyzing her lapse and what it told her to notice.

* * *

Vakarian's heart was racing now. He tried to contain his sudden excitement as he dropped to reload and set his ammo mode back to armor-piercing rounds. Now, there was even more incentive to take out the mercs between her and his location. He fell back into his firing routine with renewed enthusiasm, but then had a horrible thought.

 _She probably doesn't realize it's me – I could be in even worse danger now. I also need to at least be sure it's really_ **her** _. If it is – well, I may just live to ask her what happened at Alchera._  Hopefully, there would be time for answers shortly.

Garrus shifted his legs slightly. He sighted down yet another merc who wasn't hiding nearly well enough.

One shot, one kill.

* * *

Shepard activated the trace function on the visor, willing herself to let her mistake go and refocus. Then, she activated her favorite new 'toy', ashamed of herself for forgetting about it already. The cloaking device surrounded her with a heat-shimmer illusion as it hid her.

The backtrace from her visor showed Archangel as the source. Frowning, she pulled Cassie from her back and extended the barrel. She waited for another exchange of gunfire before she tried to take another look at her target. Scoping in on a target caused almost habitual training to kick in. Her rapid breathing slowed dramatically as did her heartbeat. She found Archangel again easily enough.

_All right, I don't know many people that can make that shot at your distance under this kind of pressure. Let's get another look at you._

She raised her rifle over the barricade, but kept the safety on and didn't activate the targeting software. Her visor and the analog scope functions would tell her what she wanted to know without alerting Archangel that someone was scoping near him. If he was  _that_  good, she didn't want him taking more shots at her, and she sure as  _hell_  didn't want to give him the wrong idea. She zoomed with the visor and looked carefully at the balcony position.

Archangel was helmeted, so there was no chance of getting a look at his face or clan markings. She captured an image of him on her 'tool and then dropped back into cover. Switching visor modes, she brought the image up for a better look. The visor allowed her better magnification and enhancement than the native omnitool software. The armor was good stuff, even if it had been beaten to hell. The right arm was emblazoned with a gold-painted logo that she failed to place. But the left - 

 _What the –_ Karin narrowed her eyes, and then enhanced the view of the left arm. There was a very worn logo there. If she didn't know better, especially on  _blue_  armor, it almost looked like…

 _C-sec?_ Karin's eyes widened and she tried not to get her hopes up. She held a breath and let it out slowly as she forced discipline back into her thoughts.

 _No – there could be lots of stolen or "misplaced" C-sec issue stuff out there. It might not even be C-Sec armor at all. You_ know _that. You can't assume anything,_ she reasoned with herself. The rational part of her brain tried to override her hope. It was foolish and _could_  get her killed. Archangel could just be another turian hothead wannabe Spectre who had latched onto a cause. His apparent death wish  _certainly_ didn't impress her. Still, her mind kept trying to explore the possibility despite her best efforts.

 _Garrus risked a hostage's life the first time I saw him in action._ His guts, accuracy and courage impressed her, but risking Dr. Michel's life hadn't.  _Still, to my knowledge, no one knows what happened to him. There's a non-zero chance –_

"Let's move, people." Karin said quietly. "Let's go see what we can do to make our lives easier."

* * *

The one thing that made Shepard vaguely nervous on the way in was the likelihood that someone would recognize her. Granted, her hairstyle was different now, she had scars her iconic former self didn't have, and her armor was hardly regulation or even standard issue, but she still worried. Fortunately, the only one in the party who was recognized by anyone was Zaeed.  _That_  actually paid off. The Blue Suns became very helpful, giving her more intel on the planned attack, once their local leader recognized the heavily-scarred Masaani. It revealed perhaps the most dangerous part of the attack; the Blue Suns were holding a gunship in reserve. In the tight space they had, that could be a real problem.

Shepard's luck held, however; the sergeant to whom she was supposed to report just  _happened_  to be working on said gunship, and it wasn't ready to go just yet. Karin's conscience gave her very little trouble as she removed Kafka from the equation. When she strode back into sight of Mordin and Zaeed, she was all business.

"Here's the plan," she said over their secured comm channel as she inclined her head towards the final barricade. "Keep to the sides and work your way in. I'm going to make sure Archangel sees me gun down at least a couple of mercs."

"Not logical." Mordin commented with a frown. "Should just try to sneak in." Karin gestured sharply with her hand, cutting him off.

"No," she said impatiently. "I want him to know we're not his enemies. Besides, Cer—ah,  _they_  have a vested interest in keeping me alive, so I have the best gear. I  _am_  the logical choice. Now,  _get moving_." She waved her squad mates past her, and made sure they were into cover before she made her own move.

The freelancers were already streaming towards Archangel's position when Shepard's squad cleared the barricade. Karin gave a hand signal to both of them and stood in open ground. Very deliberately, she pulled her pistol and waited until Archangel had turned his rifle in her direction. She then fired two very precise shots into the freelancers on either side of her. The sharp report of a rifle rang in her ears, and it came from Archangel's direction. The shot took down a third freelancer, who had seen Karin's actions and managed to shout, "She's with Archangel—"before he dropped with a shot between the eyes.

Karin flipped the turian a quick salute, activated her tactical cloaking device, and sprinted for cover.

* * *

As the freelancers started to flood over the last barricade, Garrus started appreciating the raw numbers the three merc companies were throwing at him. He picked up the pace, but at this rate, he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer.

He focused his scope towards a trio of mercs that had just dropped over the barricade into range. Two of them were freelancers, but the middle person was the person who resembled Shepard. As he confirmed her apparent identity, she looked toward him and pulled her pistol. He tensed for a second until she turned and gunned down the mercs on either side of her with cold efficiency.

Relieved, he drew a bead on a merc who had dropped in behind her and who was raising his pistol to shoot at her. As usual, his shot was dead on. "Shepard" looked up at him again, flipped him a quick one-handed 'thanks', and activated some item on her belt as she headed for cover.

 _That has to be her. It_ has _to be._

Garrus suddenly had more drive than he'd had in – well, several hours, at least. He worked very hard to keep the pressure on the mercs so Shepard's squad had a chance to get through. The sound of another sniper rifle firing several times confirmed that Shepard was taking advantage of the chaos to thin the herd herself. She still tended to favor targets to the right, so he fell into an old rhythm of taking the targets on the left.

_Just like old times…_

* * *

Getting into Archangel's base, even with the freelancers out of the picture, was a challenge. There were several incendiaries rigged in the lower level that had to be dealt with, and a few stragglers had even made it so far as the lower level. Once they'd been dealt with, Karin and her squad made their way up to the second level, where the reports of a rifle announced Archangel's location. The door blocking their way was unlocked. All three drew their sidearms, and Karin led them in. She pointed her Predator at the turian, who was still lining up a shot over the railing. It was time to get his attention.

"Archangel?" She asked pointedly. Instead of a verbal answer, the vigilante held up one finger in a "just a moment" gesture. Shepard relaxed her stance and lowered her weapon. Solus and Masaani followed her lead.

* * *

Hearing her voice again dispelled any lingering doubts. There was something  _right_  about it that defied description. Relief swept over him, and he felt exhaustion set in again. After he took the last shot, he had to use his rifle to hold his balance as he stood. His helmet suddenly seemed entirely unnecessary, so he removed it as he took a seat on some stacked supply crates. He saw shock and relief on her face as the truth sank in.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead," he started in a voice that almost didn't sound like his own.  _Damn, I really am running on low reserves if I sound like that._

Karin's face lit up – there really was no other way to describe it. For a second, it looked like she was going to throw her arms around him.

"Garrus? What are you doing here?"

They didn't have enough time for him to catch her up completely on what happened, but she accepted the short versions readily enough. He wanted to ask her what was going on, where she'd been, and why she left, but she cut that conversation short too.

"As far as I know, I  _was_  dead. But it's a really long story I don't have time to tell right now," she'd sighed and pointed at Eclipse and the mercs they were bringing to position. As they fell into defense of his base, Garrus noticed that he and Shepard fell back into a very old pattern of targeting so they didn't take each other's shots. Between the two of them, and a heavy 'mech that Shepard had sabotaged, very few forces got through. Karin had also taken her team below the base to shut off the tunnels and gotten back to help him take down the Blood Pack as well. Things were going very well – until a dreaded, familiar rumble began to make the floor vibrate.

_Is that – oh crap._

"I thought I took that thing out," he shouted to Shepard as the Blue Suns' gunship rose to window level and opened fire. The hail of projectiles its cannons launched sent all four of them diving for cover.

"Well, I can guarantee they didn't get it all the way fixed," Karin yelled back before breaking cover and taking a potshot at the hovering 'ship. She probably wouldn't have caused any damage, but as luck would have it, the drop door opened right before she fired. She ended up taking out a Blue Suns merc who had been about to drop from the gunship to the second level of his base. Several more streamed out of the gunship before it retreated. Still more Blue Suns had charged the bridge while the gunship distracted them. The small team was now in real danger of getting overrun.

"Massani, grab the back stairway. Mordin, back him up," she ordered as she raised her rifle for another shot. Both Garrus and Shepard had to shift cover to better deal with the ground troops. They got so caught up in eliminating the dropped mercs that they didn't see the rapidly closing gunship return until it was too late. When Tarek opened fire, both Garrus and Shepard were out of cover. They both made a dive for it, but Tarek targeted Garrus with the bulk of the cannonfire. The high-powered rounds took his shields down and damaged his armor. The force of the assault knocked him off of his feet and forced him to drop and crawl the rest of the way. When he was safely in cover, he had to stop and catch his breath, forcing himself to ignore the pain of several smaller injuries that had gotten through. He was about to shout something to Karin when Tarak's magnified voice drowned his voice out.

" _ARCHANGEL! You think you can mess with the Blue Suns? THIS ENDS HERE!"_

 _You're damn right it does, Tarak,_  he thought to himself. He exploded from cover, ready to take the shot – when there was a loud roar, a rush of heat and pain, and then darkness.

* * *

Karin could almost see the error in judgment as Garrus made it. Her blood ran cold, and she heard Skye's words again…

_He's getting tired. Making mistakes…_

She saw him gathering his strength to act, but she also saw the flare from the missile's launch system ignition.

 _Oh God, Garrus, what are you_ doing?

She tried to shout a warning to him, but it was too late or he couldn't hear her. Time seemed to slow for her as she watched the entire scene unfold. The incoming missile caught him on the right chest and neck, sending him flying backward. He didn't move from where he fell. Karin's heart seemed to be thudding in her ears as she darted to him.

" _ **Garrus!"**_

She skidded to a stop next to him, and her heart sank at the already-spreading pool of blue blood beneath the Turian's fallen body.

And then, she saw red.

"Massani, Mordin, keep those mercs off my six. That gunship is going down." She gave the orders without really  _hearing_  herself. They came out as a cold, clipped strand of words. She was already lining up a shot on the gunship's canopy while Tarak was busy gaining whatever sick satisfaction he got from gunning down "Archangel".

_From taking away one of the few people I can dare to trust._

Her first shot didn't penetrate the high-impact screen of the canopy, nor did she really expect it to. However, it did crack the glass. It definitely got his attention.

" _There's more where that came from, bitch."_ Tarak's mocking voice boomed over the loudspeaker. She saw the ignition flash from a second missile and dodged for cover. Through the smoke, she noticed that Zaeed and Mordin had rejoined her and had taken up positions to fire on the gunship.

Tarek opened fire with the cannons again. Karin disregarded them, letting her shields absorb them, to take a second shot. This one hit where the first one did, opening the crack a bit wider. Her third shot opened the flaw wide, shattering the screen. Shepard ducked down to grab a final heat sink, letting her shields recover and waiting for Tarek to pick one spot and stay in it. When the gunship's engines wound up, holding it in position, she came out of cover. Through her scope, she stared right at the space between his eyes.

"You're going down, you son of a bitch," she whispered as she exhaled, and squeezed the trigger. The shot drilled Tarek between the eyes. His body slumped forward onto the controls, driving the gunship into a spin. It crashed to the ground and exploded, shaking the floor beneath her feet. Karin forgot it the moment it was no longer a threat.

She ran back to Garrus's fallen form, grief closing her throat as she saw the amount of blood he'd lost. Her visor flashed his dangerously erratic vital signs. She laid her hands lightly on his chestplate. As she did so, he drew a ragged, deep breath that gurgled ominously. His eyes opened, and he tried to reach for his rifle.

"Garrus!" Their eyes met for the briefest moment before she looked up for Mordin. The Salarian was already hustling over, and quickly started assessing the injuries.

"We'll get you out of here. Just hold on," she said to him. 

"He's not going to make it." Zaeed's voice intruded at that moment. It was soft for the mercenary, and grim.

"Shut it, Massani!" Karin practically growled the words, but Mordin cut them both off.

"Can make it. Not too late, but need better facility. Need to evac immediately." The doctor worked quickly with what little medi-gel he had, but it was like a drop in a vast ocean. Shepard activated her 'comm.

"Joker, get that evac shuttle launched and tell Chakwas that Garrus is critically wounded," she ordered. "We'll be coming in hot when we get back there."

" _Wait, did you say_ _ **Garrus**_ _? Are you serious?"_ Joker's astonished voice came back over the channel.

"Yes, dammit. Get that shuttle moving  **now** , Joker!" She barked the command back, in a forceful tone she rarely used. Mordin had already exhausted what medigel they had and was apparently trying to get a better visual on the worst injuries. Karin knelt beside him, and tried to help staunch the blood flow as best she could.

" _Don't you dare die on me, Garrus Vakarian,"_ she murmured, unsure if he heard her or not.

The shuttle was there in three minutes. It felt like three hours.

* * *

As soon as they hit the landing bay of Normandy and got air pressure clearance, they were off of the shuttle. Karin and Zaeed were able to support Garrus's weight while Mordin steadied him. The route from the shuttle bay to the med bay had been cleared as per code epsilon, and they made the trip very quickly. Zaeed cleared off immediately after they placed Garrus in the trauma bay, but Karin lingered near the door and left far more reluctantly.

She made a frightening sight as she left the med bay and circled to the closest window. Her armor was covered in blue blood. There was a streak of it on her face as well. The few crew members in the area quickly abandoned the mess hall at the sight of her. It was one of the few times that such a thing escaped her notice. She leaned against the medbay window, steadying herself with one hand, and tried to figure out exactly what was happening. However, Chakwas waved a hand over one of the control panels and dropped the medbay shades before she could get a good look. It wasn't the first time that Dr. Chakwas had done this to her. Besides protecting patient confidentiality, the dropped shades usually meant  _I'll update you when the time comes. You can't help anymore right now._

Karin could feel the adrenaline wearing off. The confident assurance and attitude of command she carried faded somewhat with it. She couldn't do anything else to help him now; his life was in the hands of Doctors Chakwas and Solus. Overcome by a sudden, strong need to retreat away from anyone that could be observing her, Karin turned and walked with a deathly calm to the lift.

Where her hand had rested on the medbay window, there was now a cobalt blue handprint.

It wasn't until she reached her quarters that she realized just how much of a mess she was in both the physical and emotional sense. She stripped out of the armor and piled it on an old towel, then grabbed a clean one and headed for the shower.

As the water rushed over her she felt herself returning to some semblance of normal. That is, until she caught the sight of the blue blood circling the drain. Then it all came crashing back. The combination of that sight, her fear for Garrus, and her mixed emotions about her supposed death and reconstruction all caught up with her. She couldn't suppress it any longer, and she sank to the shower floor, sobbing into her hands.


	6. Dis-Orientation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heartfelt thanks go out to Arquen, who is graciously allowing me to use some of her writing for Garrus's point of view in this chapter. Thanks, as always, to Sia. Bioware owns all, etc. etc. :)

_  
Chapter 6_

_“Archangel…? That you?..” It was a weak voice, familiar, but like so many other things, just out of his reach. The room was encased in darkness. A tomb. The smell of burnt flesh and the coppery tang of blood lingered in the air._

_He tripped over something hard and heavy in his path, stumbling in the darkness slightly. A body. Scorched and burned almost beyond recognition. A turian._

_“Wreaver..” he whispered._

“We’re losing him!” a harsh, female voice cut in. A very familiar one.

_He whirled around quickly, only to see the body of an asari pinned in place on the wall. A biotic’s cruel trick, no doubt. On her collar she still wore the insignia of her former Eclipse sisters. Reminding her of where she had been, and who she was fighting._

_“Melanis…”_

_The lights suddenly flickered above him, a dim luminosity spread across the room. Bodies lay everywhere, Blue Sun, Eclipse, Blood Pack. Nothing moved. It revealed all too clearly what he feared most._

“Need more time, patient not going to last, must place graft now or deterioration imminent.” A rambling salarian’s voice.

_“Mierin?” he called out, but his own voice was simply absorbed into the silence. He caught sight of a small figure, collapsed on the far side of the room. Clinging tightly to an SMG. Mierin had always been quick, calculating, and never surprised, but these were hopeless odds._

_“Even you, Mierin…” He shook his head._

“There, he’s breathing on his own again. He’s a tough one. Good, we’re going to need all the help we can get here.” The woman’s voice again…Chakwas?

_The lights were getting brighter, filling the room with a harsh radiance. There was a hulking mass in the corner, next to Mierin. Grundan Krul. So, not even the krogan had made it. No, they had come prepared for that. He made his way to the krogan’s side. The slick blood and scorched walls all too telling of what had happened. A heavy mech. No, not even a Krogan could have lasted forever against that._

_“Dammit…” he spat the word, clenching his jaw so tightly it hurt. He turned the Krogan over, slowly. A shallow breath escaped the blood-spattered Krul, and his eyes flew open._

_“You… you missed one hell of a fight…” The deep, raspy voice was ragged, but strong. He made a half-smile and then was still. Eyes open, focused on something in the distance._

_“Guess this was our last stand… commander.” The same voice from before, weak, and out of reach._

_He spun around from his position. Butler lay slumped against the wall on the far right. He was holding his abdomen. Blood pooling over his hands. Holes from multiple heat sinks lined the wall around him._

_“Butler, hang on. I’ll get you out of here.” He quickly put his rifle behind his back and reached for some medigel._

_“I’m done for, sir. Think we all were from the start. They trapped us here. Someone…” he took a ragged gasp… “Someone sold us out…” he began to cough violently, some blood trickling over his lips._

_“I know. It was Sidonis, he lead me away while he.. he… That son of a bitch will pay. I promise you that much.” He placed his hand on Butler’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. This is my fault. I should have seen it coming. I should have been here. I should have –“_

_“Archangel..” Butler cut him off. “Garrus, please. We knew what we were getting into when we signed up. All of us. Don’t… don’t…” his eyes began to roll back and his hand fell limply to his side. He took a few last desperate breaths, and then was still, too._

_The lights had become increasingly brighter, and they were beginning to blind him. The scene in front of him a stark illumination of death. Sensat, Ripper, and Monteague had taken the first barrage of the explosions. Burnt and bloody near the door. Erash and Vortash, the batarian brother,s had made it to a corner behind cover. Erash died with his tools and wires scattered around him. His brother, clinging to a rifle, lay near him. They had both been behind cover, but they were badly burned by some type of plasma. Probably a grenade._

_It was becoming hot, suffocating, the lights burned down on him. It served only to fuel the rage that was building inside him. His team. His entire team… Everything they had done, and everything they had worked for. All of it. Gone. Just like that. Just like…_

“Shepard wants a report. How is he doing..?” An unfamiliar male voice cut in.

 “Regaining consciousness. Patient doing surprisingly well. Made it this far. Outcome still uncertain, lots of work ahead, but patient should be fully functional.” The rambling voice of the salarian again. The one who had been with…

“Shepard?” His eyes opened, and a disorienting light seared into them. He struggled to focus. Two faces above him. Green eyes, and her name was Karin, but she wasn’t Shepard. Instead, Karin Chakwas’ grey hair peeked from under her surgical cap. Slight wrinkles were present around the corners of her eyes and her forehead as her mask failed to hide her concern.

“He’s coming out of anesthesia now. Tell the Commander he’ll be alright, Jacob.” She looked over to someone in the distance and nodded.

He turned his head slightly to try and see who she was talking to. A pain radiated down the entire right side of his face and neck, diffusing into his chest.

“Must not move, graft still setting in place. Had to work quickly. Scars inevitable. Lucky to be alive.” The salarian moved into view above him. The same one from before, on the bridge. _Mordin_. That was what Shepard had called him.

The memories were coming back in bits and pieces. He was pinned down. One shot, one kill, that’s how it had been. Ammo running out, and then – unbelievably, Shepard showed up. _Shepard_. Back from the dead.

 _I guess you kept your end of the deal after all, huh, Shepard?_ He glanced around the room.

“Where are we?” Garrus tried to sit up, but was overcome with a dizzying feeling that prevented him from doing so. The pain seemed to radiate worse when he spoke. He began to notice an unfamiliar buzzing sensation that seemed to exist right under his skin. He blinked a few times, still trying to clear his head.

“This is the Normandy SR-2. I’m not surprised you had to ask. She’s changed quite a bit.” A familiar voice broke in over the comm.

“Joker? Is that you? You have got to be kidding me.” He winced slightly. The newly placed graft appeared to be doing something, and the more he moved, the more it bit into him.

“Glad you’re okay, Garrus. I didn’t believe it when Shepard told me you were the one down there,” came the reply.

“Alright, Joker, don’t you have a ship to fly? My patient is still recovering.” Dr. Chakwas chided gently.

“Okay, Okay, I can take a hint, Doc. I’m just here, flying the ship.” Joker’s comm cut off.

Garrus tried again to sit up. Dr. Chakwas huffed an exasperated sigh as he did so. He managed to suppress the dizziness long enough to get his bearings, and steadied himself with his hands. He was able to see the entire room now. It was much like the old Normandy’s med-bay, but clearly upgraded. Mordin stood in the corner hovering over a microscope. He was mumbling something about dermal regeneration and problematic scar tissue.

“So, anyone going to tell me how bad it is?” He tried to flare his mandibles and was greeted with a resurgence of stinging pain. Judging by the expression he got from Chakwas, it wasn’t good.

Mordin came closer and placed a hand on his chin, studying. “Garrus. Lucky to be alive. Scars are,” he took a breath and hesitated slightly, “Not treatable. Did the best we could. Perhaps should get some rest. Lost a large amount of blood. New graft is still adapting. New cybernetics will also take time to adapt. Need to run more tests. Infection still a factor to consider. Making good progress, but must come see me soon for treatments. Will be in lab.” He nodded, and then took his leave.

“That bad, huh. Don’t suppose you have a mirror, or do I even want to know?” He turned to Dr. Chakwas, who was removing her surgical gown and cleaning her hands. He couldn’t help but notice the amount of blue blood present on the discarded gear. The doctor stiffened at his question.

“I think you need to get some rest. You took a direct hit by a rocket. Your internal organs were injured in the blast. Your face, however, took most of the damage. That graft is one of the most advanced I’ve ever seen. Even so, the scaring will be permanent. Don’t worry about all this right now, though. You need to recover.” She indicated with her hand that he should lay back down now.

He had no intention of doing so.

He began to get to his feet. Dr. Chakwas rushed to his side, probably trying to avoid having to pick him up off the floor. It wasn’t going to happen. Gripping the edge of the table, he steadied himself against the inevitable wave of vertigo. He took a couple of deep breaths, and placed one foot in front of the other. He didn’t stumble. That, at least, was a good sign.

“So, a few scars, hmm. Guess I don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Well, no offense, but I don’t really plan on staying here and sleeping. I’d much rather have my gear back so I can brief Shepard myself.” He turned a steely gaze to Chakwas, who shook her head.

“I can see you haven’t changed  _either_ , Officer Vakarian.” She smiled slightly with that cryptically emphasized comment, and pointed to an open chest in the corner. He made his way over to it. The surgical drapes were fine and all, for a hospital, but he and Shepard still had a deal. She had kept her part. He was alive, at least, and off that bridge. Now it was his turn.

He put on each piece of gear carefully. Someone had cleaned the blood off of it, but it still bore scattered scorch marks and large scratches where some pieces had been sheared off. When he got to the chest piece, he could see clearly where it had been utterly destroyed. A large, jagged hole was present near the top on the right side. The surrounding area was covered in a thick, black mark. The radial scorch marks from the rocket strike were all too evident. As he slipped it on, a brief memory of a rocket firing and something burning flashed in his mind.

He placed his hand on the glass window in front of him, steadying himself as the memories surfaced. When they faded back into the shadows of his mind, he looked up. Garrus could barely make out his reflection in the glass, even when he did, he didn’t recognize it. It was too dark to make out clearly, but the flesh on the right side of his face resembled something like ground meat. He searched for the button to open the shutters, and found it nearby. Perhaps if there was more light?

He was greeted instead with a bright, cobalt hand print. A human’s handprint. It had dried, undisturbed, and he recognized it immediately. He placed his hand over it, easily eclipsing the small print with his own. He remembered that hand, gripping his arm. That brought up yet another memory.

  _D_ _on’t you dare die on me, Garrus Vakarian._

“Close call, but I’m not dead yet, Shepard.” He whispered, straightening himself up and headed toward the comm room.

* * *

Even though she’d given vent to her emotions and was at least feeling more composed, Karin knew she had to find something to occupy her mind while she waited for a report on Garrus’s condition. She ended up prowling the ship, getting acquainted with more of the crew. The due diligence turned out to be a good thing; she ended up starting a list of incidentals that needed to be handled on the new ship.

_Not surprising, given that this is our shakedown, but still, some of this is pretty short-sighted._

She set up shop in the briefing room and started going over the preliminary upgrade reports.  The tactic to shift her focus actually worked.  It took the briefing room doors swishing open to get her attention. Jacob Taylor walked to the opposite side of the table and leaned forward on his hands.  Karin felt a chill. She mimicked his stance, but it still took Jacob a moment to speak up. He mentioned that the doctors had done all they could for Garrus, that they’d had to use some cybernetics, and that he should have “full functionality”.

_Full functionality? That’s about as mechanical as it gets, Jacob, even for you._

Two things pulled Karin out of that irritated thought. One was Jacob saying, “But -”

The other was the door opening again – to admit Garrus. His eyes went straight to hers. Karin felt a lot of the tension vanish out of her shoulders, and she couldn’t have hid her smile if she’d wanted to.  If he was already up and looking for her, ‘full functionality’ was an understatement.

“Shepard,” he acknowledged.  The eye contact held, and they both ignored Jacob until he interjected an impressed comment.

“Tough son of a bitch. Didn’t think he’d be up yet.” Karin heard it, but Garrus appeared to ignore that, too.

“Nobody would give me a mirror,” he said, the frustration evident in his voice. He gestured toward the injured side of his face. “How bad is it?” 

For the first time, Karin got a good look at the doctors’ handiwork. A bandage covered a significant portion of his face and neck, and supported his mandible. It didn’t look like he’d lost complete use of it, but clearly the bandage would restrict its movement.  More burned and pitted areas were visible down the exposed mandible and along the rest of that side of his face, including his mouth. The damage on his armor suggested that some of his injuries might be concealed by that as well. All in all, it probably WAS a miracle he was alive – and the injuries looked really painful. Still, her gut reaction was to reply with a snarky comment to keep him on his toes the same way she had two years ago.

 “Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap some face paint on there and no one’ll even notice.”

As soon as she _said_ it, she regretted it. Even though she was still grinning, she winced inwardly.

_Idiot. I shouldn’t have said that._

Garrus, however, appeared to take the statement in stride.

“Ha-ah – ooh, don’t make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is.” Then, he immediately responded in kind. “Some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan.”

In spite of her irritation with herself, Karin chuckled and shook her head with amusement. Jacob recognized a dismissal when he saw it, saluted smartly, and left. Garrus’s eyes lingered on him as he walked out. As soon as the door closed again, the turian’s tone turned serious.

“Frankly, I’m more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? Do you remember those sick experiments they were doing?”

 _Well, I knew this was coming…_ She felt dread pool in her gut. _If I have to win his trust back, I’ll do it here or not at all._

 “That’s why I’m glad you’re here, Garrus,” she said truthfully. “If I’m walking into hell, I want someone I trust at my side.”

* * *

If she was trying to earn his trust back, she needn’t bother. The fact that he was even standing there, and not dead on that bridge, was all the convincing he needed that this _was_ Shepard. Only Shepard would have told him exactly how bad it was. No bullshit, no evasion, just a broad smile and a sly comment.

Still, the influence Cerberus had around here was palpable. He started to think that perhaps he wasn’t the only one that thought it was good to see a friendly face on that bridge.

“You realize this plan has me walking into hell too?” He kept his tone light, but he dare not try laughing again. Not just yet. It was definitely different, but he wasn’t going to leave Shepard to do this alone. No more than she would have left him on that bridge. “Hah, just like old times.”

Still, if they were going into some suicide mission against the Collectors, there were things he was going to have to check himself.

“I’m fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I’ll settle in and see what I can do at the forward batteries.” He turned to take his leave, and suddenly the idea of ‘settling in’ seemed like just what he needed. His head was starting to throb a bit, and the sting was still evident. There was also that unique buzzing sensation he guessed could only be the cybernetics “adapting,” as Mordin had said they would.

 Shepard gave him an understanding nod, but she couldn’t completely hide the concerned look in her eyes. He nodded back, flared his mandibles slightly against the pain, and reassured her that _this_ turian at least, was made of steel.

* * *

Karin shook her head, still amused, when the ‘comm room doors slid shut.

_Even if you weren’t fit for duty, you’d never admit it. So your story gets to wait._ The turian wasn’t off the hook yet. But since Garrus, like everyone else, had thought Karin dead the past two years, she guessed she wasn’t off the hook either. He was within his rights to question her; she was surprised he hadn’t done so yet. At least he hadn’t seemed to question his trust of her overmuch.

_Of course, I did just pull his ass out of a major fire. That has to account for something._

Honestly, she didn’t care about why Garrus seemed completely ready to take her at face value. She was just glad he was. The messages that had shown up on her private terminal had not been reassuring. Rumors were already circulating that she lived, even though she’d only shown her face on Omega so far. Even Councilor Anderson had seemed dubious in _his_ message.

_I’m going to have to go to the Citadel sometime soon. I’m running out of reasons to stall. And if I even want to think about using Spectre privileges to make this mission go more smoothly, I can’t afford to burn bridges before I know more about what we’re up against with the Collectors._

Joker’s words about the Council and their treatment of the Reaper threat after Alchera came back to her. She didn’t have a ton of evidence yet, but with Veetor’s footage of the Collector attack on Freedom’s Progress, she _did_ have something tangible to present.

And Anderson hadn’t been a Councilor very long back then. Maybe, just _maybe_ , her old mentor could be persuaded to take the evidence seriously. Karin didn’t want to consider that he wouldn’t. Otherwise, she’d never have issued her next order over the ‘comm.

“Joker, set a course for the Citadel. It’s time to go rattle some cages, and I’m going to have to do that in person.”


	7. You're (Not) Welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to SiaLater and Arquen for Beta, preview, and bouncing of ideas. :) Mass Effect and all characters belong to Bioware - I just write for fun with their wonderful toys.

 

**_Chapter 7_ **

_Do what you do from the heart then move on_

_'Cause in the eyes of the ungrateful, you can do wrong_

_That's when the negative energy gets too strong_

_The sunshine leaves, in comes the true storm_   
  
_\--Queen Latifah, “People”_

 

_“Relay jump to the Citadel in five minutes, Commander,”_ Joker’s voice came over the ‘comm. Karin glanced up from her newly-cleaned and retinted armor and acknowledged the message. The only reason she wasn’t already in the cockpit was she knew she’d be pacing like a caged tiger.

_Nothing says HEY LOOK AT ME like a ship that resembles the old, iconic Normandy asking for docking clearance with a theoretically dead Spectre as its CO. I’ll be surprised if this goes smoothly, to be honest._

Shepard fumed quietly to herself as she changed. She wasn’t disappointed. Joker faced an inquisition as to his own identity and the commander of the vessel. In the end, Karin had ended up taking over the docking request, and waiting irritably while the controllers undoubtedly ran all kinds of checks on her voice patterns, what their scans of this ship named _Normandy_ told them, and God knew what else. Finally, though, Citadel Control’s captain came over the ‘comm. His message and his dubious tone revealed much.

_“Normandy, you are clear to dock at bay D-24 on Council orders. The Council expects that you will be timely in reporting to them and explaining your circumstances. That is all.”_

Karin released her death grip on the back of Joker’s seat and the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. Joker, as always, had to have the last word.

“Have a nice day, asshole,” the pilot grumbled.

Karin turned away, not realizing until much later that she’d chuckled at Joker’s retort. One member of her shore party was a no-brainer, but she wanted to talk to him about that before they left.

_At least going to the Citadel shouldn’t tax him too badly, and all kidding aside, he was involved with the mission against Saren. Hopefully the Council will remember that – and that a lot of humans lost their lives saving the Councilors’._

The main battery was unlocked, and Garrus’s back was to the door. When it opened, though, he turned to face her. A few hours’ rest had done him good, evidently. His voice was a little less strained, and his eyes were clearer. She was relieved to see the change.

* * *

Getting a chance to sleep off the painkillers and actually get some decent rest had done Garrus good, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He hesitated to take more of the meds; the graft was stinging less, and the level of pain was easily within his tolerance.

This new _Normandy_ was impressive, and he’d found himself settling in almost unreasonably quickly. The crew, despite being Cerberus, had been respectful at least to his face. The mess sergeant had found him something basic to eat and pointed out space and utensils he’d set aside for dextro-friendly supplies.  He was a little surprised by that until the man mentioned that he was glad to meet another member of the team that had taken down Saren.

Was this Shepard’s influence? He wouldn’t be surprised.  Her stances and beliefs were about as far from ‘humanity first’ as it got – this had been well known and caused her some trouble among her own kind two years ago. Saving the Council had been controversial. He remembered getting wind of some threats from humanity-first elements against his friend in the months after Sovereign was defeated. C-Sec had, for once, taken them seriously, but nothing came of them. At least, not unless the attack on the original _Normandy_.

_I need to find out what happened. Whatever it was, it’s got Shepard wary, even if she’s trying not to show it._

Maybe he’d get a chance to bring it up when she got around to holding him to his agreement to tell her everything about what happened on Omega. If he knew Shepard, she’d remember soon enough. In fact, when the doors to the main battery slid open, he wondered if that time had come yet. He turned to face her, and took a relaxed stance.

“Shepard. Need me for something?”

Karin nodded at him, glanced behind her, and waited for the door to close. Once it did, she sighed.

“Are you feeling up to going onto the Citadel once we’re docked? I need to stop avoiding Anderson and the Council, particularly when the rumor mill has already started churning about me. I’m already on the wrong foot as a supposedly dead soldier in a ship that was supposed to have been destroyed. I don’t expect any violence, but I do expect a … _chilly_ reception.”  Shepard’s shoulders sagged slightly, her bearing becoming a little less proud – a little less confident. “Even the email I got from Anderson was dubious at best, and he’s the one that approved us for docking.”

His brow ridges drew together.  The Council hadn’t exactly been helpful when Shepard went after Saren - but they’d been quick with the thanks and the commendation after bits of the Reaper came crashing through the Council chamber and Saren’s half-synthetic carcass had been found.

“Did they forget that you not only stopped Sovereign but gave the order that ultimately saved their lives?” The idea offended his sense of justice, as bruised as it was from what happened on Omega.

_I’m not going to think about that right now. I can’t._

If Karin noticed the hesitation, she didn’t show it. She simply sighed.

“Apparently, although I can cut them some slack given that I’ve been theoretically dead for the past two years. Let’s just hope I can remind them I can be trusted. Anyway, that’s one of the reasons I’d like you to be there. I don’t doubt they’ll remember you by association, and I’m hoping that helps.” She hesitated a moment. He raised a brow plate at that – it wasn’t like her.

“And…?” He asked quietly.

Shepard shook her head.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I want someone _I_ can trust at my side. The only people that I know of who do right now are you, Joker, and maybe Tali.”

“You’ve run into Tali?” Garrus raised a brow arch. “When was that?”

In spite of herself, Shepard smiled and shook her head.

“That’s right. We haven’t exactly had a chance to catch up, have we? Maybe once I’ve convinced them I don’t need a one-way ticket to the brig, we can do that.” She looked at him with genuine concern before continuing. Garrus cleared his throat.

_Still can’t go there._

“Sure,” he replied. “It’ll give me a chance to get a few things as well, like a change of clothes or two and something besides survival rations. Not that the mess sergeant hasn’t been reasonable, but there’s only so many miracles you can do with those.” He flared his mandibles mischievously, but Shepard’s bearing straightened immediately at the mention of Gardner.

“No one’s been giving you a hard time, have they?” Suddenly she was all business again, much more like normal.

“Everyone’s been polite so far. I think I’m getting some credit for being on the team that took down Saren.” The last thing he’d wanted to do with that comment was add more to _her_ problems. “Don’t worry, Shepard. We’re all on the same team.”

She nodded and visibly relaxed a bit.

“Well, in any case, we should be docked and cleared in about 30 minutes.” She turned to go.

“I’ll be ready.”

* * *

Once they’d actually secured docking privileges, the rest of _Normandy’s_ return to the Citadel was smooth. At the last minute, she had summoned Mordin to also go ashore rather than Jacob. The scientist wanted to look for a few items, and frankly, he wasn’t Jacob or Miranda.

When they reached the C-Sec customs area, some changes were apparent immediately. For one, the security officer at the main desk was human. She was busy arguing with a turian about what constituted contraband on the Citadel. While the two bickered, Garrus made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a growl. Karin turned her head sideways and raised an eyebrow. Her friend shook his head.

“I thought it would be good to come back to the Citadel, but it’s the same as it always was. The same dirty streets, the same opportunistic criminals, the same revolving door prisons. This is _exactly_ why I left,” he muttered irritably.

“Yeah, we still need to catch up on that,” Karin murmured back as they made their way to the security scanners. The turian who was running the instruments seemed professional and courteous enough, but Karin didn’t think Garrus had ever looked that…well, _young_ wasn’t the right word. She had to let it drop when the officer’s brow ridges drew together and his fingers ghosted over the controls.

“Looks like they’ve tightened up security,” Garrus commented, while the officer contacted someone about whatever error his scanners were showing. He sounded exasperated, but remained courteous to Shepard and her shore party once his attention returned to them.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am, but the scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you’re ah, dead.”

_Oh boy. Here we go._ Karin sighed.

“I was listed as Missing in Action a couple of years back,” she offered. Fortunately, the officer bought her explanation, which was at least marginally true, and directed her towards his own CO to get reinstated in the C-Sec systems.

_God only knows what_ that _will bring out of the woodwork,_ she thought, _although I’m not liking his comments about ‘making ‘em scream a little.’_

Captain Bailey, as he introduced himself, was not big on formality either – getting herself reinstated was far easier than it really should have been. She found herself starting to like the man when he commented on being fine with regulations until they kept people from doing their jobs. She peered at him and called him on abusing suspects. He gave as good as he got, comparing the wards to New York City to justify his ‘working outside the Council’s rulebook’.

“C-Sec _has_ changed,” Garrus observed dryly, drawing a _look_ from Bailey. He drew one from Karin, too, but she couldn’t exactly preach at anyone for working outside the lines, as it were. Especially since she was, among other things, going to take advantage of any Spectre resources available to her. Mordin stayed surprisingly quiet. He was alertly observing everything, though, and Karin was wondering just how many mental notes the doctor had already taken. They caught the public transit to the Presidium directly. Karin tried to tell herself that this was simply because she _really_ wanted to see Anderson, but she also knew that came with the rest of the Council’s strings attached.

_No sense in delaying the inevitable._

* * *

The Council meeting wasn’t a complete disaster, but it sure as hell came close. With the exception of Anderson, the council’s level of disbelief about the Reapers was just as Jacob Taylor had described it to her after Lazarus station. Sparatus was particularly vocal in his doubts. Even the usually diplomatic Tevos went so far as to pointedly remind Shepard that working with Cerberus was a capital offense. Fortunately, Anderson pushed back on that accusation – his intervention gave Karin a second to get her anger under control. The Council finally reinstated Karin’s Spectre status, but even that felt like an empty gesture since it was predicated on her staying in the Terminus systems. The one statement that she agreed with wholeheartedly was Tevos’ ‘hope for a quick end to your relationship with Cerberus’.

_You and me both, Councilor._

She was seething by the time the meeting was over, even though she succeeded at keeping her game face on until the ‘comm link was cut. She had to remind herself, almost forcefully, that burning the few ropes that resembled a bridge with the Council was a bad idea. If the Reapers came in their lifetime, hell, if the Collectors started targeting Council space –

_Solve that problem when it happens, Karin. One thing at a time. If I stop them before they can…_ It was the best option she had right now.

Udina came in with his usual arrogance, practically acting as if he was the human Councilor and not Anderson. Normally, Karin would have enjoyed watching Anderson take Udina down a notch or two, but she couldn’t bring herself to even pay it that much attention. Once the little asshole left, she at least got some time to speak to Anderson alone. It _was_ good to see him again. Her quasi-adoptive father, despite the dubious tone of his email, was warm enough. Being on the Council was rough on him; that much was apparent. Still, she saw a lot of her mentor in him and enjoyed seeing him again. At least, until Shepard inquired after Kaidan Alenko.

“ _Staff Commander_ Alenko,” Anderson emphasized the new rank, “is still with the Alliance, but he’s on special assignment. It’s classified. Not while you’re working with Cerberus, Shepard. I’m sorry.”

_I wish I could believe that, Anderson. If you_ trusted  _me_ … _forget it, Karin. That’s not going to solve anything._

Shepard nodded and stood. So did Anderson. She held out her hand to him. She might have hugged him once, but there was a distance now that made that idea uncomfortable. He shook her hand.

“Shepard, I’m here if you want to talk,” he said.

“Thanks,” she said, knowing it sounded forced. “If I find anything helpful I’ll be sharing it.” As she turned to go, the vague orange glow that could still be seen through the partially-healed scars showed briefly. Before she reached Garrus and Mordin, she took a deep breath and forced the hurt down and out of her thoughts. She’d pay for that later, she always did, but for now, there was nothing to be done for it.

_Except to end my relationship with Cerberus as soon as possible. At least we can agree on something!_

 


	8. Mistakes Were Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wholehearted thanks go out to Arquen for her suggestions and edits on this chapter. Bioware owns all, I just write for fun, etc.
> 
> This is a short one, but I didn't feel right proceeding on into the next piece I'm writing - as that chapter would be HUGE. :) Updates as my schedule allows - I'm in the process of writing Horizon now. *evil grin*

Given the chilly welcome, Karin wasn’t inclined to spend any more time docked at the Citadel than was strictly necessary. She sent Mordin and Garrus to handle their own supplies and ducked back through Zakera Ward. She only lingered long enough to pick up both dextro and levo supplies for Gardner, some decent coffee, and a few incidentals for herself before she headed back to the relative welcome of _Normandy._ She hadn’t granted shore leave this time, figuring no one truly needed it yet, and ordered Joker to haul as soon as everyone was aboard. She was reviewing materiel and supply manifests when EDI notified her that _Normandy_ was departing the Citadel.

“Your orders, Shepard?” The AI inquired. Karin considered the dossiers a moment before answering.

“Let’s head for that prison ship, _Purgatory_ , first. We can scout for iridium and eezo in that system anyway, and we’re short.”

“Very well. I will communicate your instructions to Mr. Moreau. Is there anything else?” The AI almost sounded curious.

“Not unless you’ve turned the surveillance cameras back on in here. If you did – “

“I did not, Shepard, per your own order. If that is all, I will log you out, Commander.” The AI almost sounded peeved.

“That _is_ all.” Karin’s lips twitched in amusement.

_Besides, I have something else to do now that the basics are handled and the Council’s told me to get lost._ She got moving, trying to distract herself before the bitterness could settle back in.

Karin headed to the crew deck to let Garrus know that the mess was ready for him. On the way through, she grabbed two bottles of water. Two years was a lot of catching up, and she really wanted to know what had happened with Garrus to put him in a fight for his life at the end of a bridge on Omega.

The Main Battery doors weren’t locked, so she poked her head in. The turian had his back to the door, and was busily scrolling through some data on the main weapons console. He turned when he heard the doors swish open.

“Hey, Garrus, got a minute?” She asked.

“Sure. I was just checking the Weapons systems.” He elaborated on their current status, ending with an observation about the new ship and the current situation that surprised her.

 “And now Cerberus rebuilds the Normandy with a few upgrades to boot. I wish we’d joined up with them sooner.”

_Don’t even joke about that,_ she snarled mentally.

“We haven’t joined up with them, Garrus. They’re funding our mission, and _that’s all._ ” It came out more coldly than she intended. She clearly surprised him with her vehemence as well. He held up one three-fingered hand in a conciliatory gesture.

“Relax, Shepard, it’s just a figure of speech. I can’t exactly doubt your judgment. Not after I got my own squad killed.”

Garrus’s voice, his stance, the fact that he wouldn’t meet her gaze – that admission had cost him a great deal. Karin’s mind flashed back to Archangel’s base on Omega. The line of body bags she’d barely noticed on the way in…

_Oh, no._

In a hushed voice, she asked him to tell her about his team, and he seemed to have a certain amount of pride in his voice as he described them. A diverse and talented group, not unlike her own team. When she asked him what they did, she was surprised and a little concerned by the anger in his voice when he talked about kicking back. It wasn’t that she disagreed with the concept, just… as he went on, he was starting to sound even more extreme about justice than he did when she’d first gotten to know him.

“Sounds like you were just another gang…” she hadn’t _quite_ intended to bait him so directly, but this was a complete change from the last time they’d discussed his plans.

_I’m going to do it right this time…_

His old comment about going back to C-Sec and reapplying to Spectre training - one of the last things she heard before she _died_ two years ago - flared unbidden across her mind. Suddenly, she was back over Alchera, with everything fading to black, and she lost focus. Karin clenched her teeth, tried to exhale slowly, and studied the lines of his profile and fringes while she tried to regain control. Garrus didn’t seem to notice her own internal struggle – he was backing up to explain himself, and his harsh voice sounded significantly calmer.

“Then I’m saying it wrong. We weren’t shaking anyone down. No civilian casualties. That was our rule. Every member of my squad had lost someone on Omega…” He went on, and his explanation allayed her concerns somewhat.

“So how’d you end up on Omega, anyway?”

When Garrus explained what happened after the first _Normandy_ went down, Karin couldn’t pretend to be completely surprised by his getting fed up with the bureaucracy on the Citadel and at C-Sec. Still…he’d have stood a lot better chance to make a difference sticking with his plan to train as a Spectre. Karin sighed, and one question she wanted to ask but didn’t bubbled to the surface.

_Why? Why did you give up that opportunity? Isn’t it what you wanted?_

Instead, she ended up asking him how he’d recruited the squad – and was pleasantly flattered when he told her he’d tried her approach of showing up and getting things done. He’d started to escalate toward alarming intensity again.

“ _I_ gave them hope…” and then he visibly deflated. “And now they’re dead. Shows what I know.”

_Oh Garrus._

“How did they manage to take down your squad?”

“It was my own damn fault…” He went on to explain how a member of his squad had distracted him and drawn him away from the others. “Everyone except me is dead because of him. And because I didn’t see it coming.”

As Karin gently pressed him for more information, it seemed to spill out of him, but it was clear his anger was coming back to a boil as well. Everything was pointing back to Sidonis – and Garrus blaming himself for what someone _else_ had done. The telling moment was when Garrus vowed to find Sidonis and correct the fact that Sidonis had survived. After he said it, the air hung empty between them. Then, Garrus stopped meeting her gaze. He thanked her for coming by, brushed past her, and closed the door behind him when he retreated into the main battery.

Karin continued to stare at the door, her concern plain on her face, for a good minute after it closed.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as the battery door slid shut behind him, Garrus at least made a pretense of heading back to the console. When he reached it, though, he simply leaned on it and closed his eyes. It took him several minutes and a number of deep breaths to get at least some of his mixed emotions down to a manageable level.

Shepard turning up to see him shouldn’t have caught him as off-balance as it did. He couldn’t say he was surprised that she came by. It had been the first real opportunity Shepard had to try to collect on his promise to tell her the ‘whole damn thing’.

He hoped Shepard hadn’t changed her mind about him. First, she had seemed somewhat offended at the Cerberus comment, and then his anger had gotten the best of him. Again. Maybe she didn’t understand what had happened. Maybe she was trying, and he hadn’t explained it right. What was it she said?

“Sounds like you were just another gang.”

_No, Shepard. We weren’t. I hope you know that we were far from that._

He sighed, and opened his eyes, staring into the console blankly. His team had accomplished so much that it took the three most powerful gangs on Omega to take them down. They did a lot of good, but somewhere along the lines things just went sideways.

He hit his fist on the console, making the screen stutter and static slightly. The anger was still too raw.

He’d been so very pleased with the results. So proud he was finally making a real impact and doing some good in this damned galaxy. Up until he’d returned to his base to find his team dead or dying.

_The blame for that rests squarely on me._ He clenched his hands tight around the console, clamped his jaw shut, and closed his eyes again.

He’d done everything he could to build his team and make them a cohesive powerhouse based on Shepard’s example. He’d like to think that, for a while, he’d succeeded. He wished _she_ could have seen that. Of course all she had seen was his failure. Also, the fact that his time on Omega, and even the existence of the squad itself, was influenced heavily by Shepard wasn’t lost on him either.

_In a few hours, I managed to see ten good people pay the price for believing in me. For believing that what we were doing made any damn difference._

And then - ? When he’d told her the truth about what happened – she’d actually asked if there was a chance Sidonis had been a casualty. That actually brought back a flare of anger.It was just like Shepard. Always giving people the benefit of the doubt. She was wrong though. Sidonis was no casualty, and there wasn’t any justification for what he did. The fact Shepard thought there might be rankled him more than he cared to admit.

_How can you be so naïve, Shepard? What if it was you who’d been betrayed? Just because you try to see the good in everyone doesn’t mean they deserve it. Sidonis sure as hell doesn’t._

It didn’t matter right now. Shepard would think whatever she wanted to think, and he could only hope she would try to understand. They hadn’t always agreed, but he had already made the decision.  He asked for Shepard’s help to track Sidonis down. It was up to her whether she chose to go along with it or not.

When he opened his eyes again, breathing a bit more normally, he noticed that he’d left scratches in the sides of the console from gripping it with all his strength.  He removed his visor and studied the names engraved on it. He rolled a finger over the one that had been obliterated, the burn mark hiding the etching of a name. It was only a matter of time before that name’s owner would meet the same fate. Garrus imagined looking though his sights with this very visor, and taking the shot. Quick, clean. More than the bastard deserved, but justice none the less. He wasn’t worried about the consequences.

He already lived with the consequences every damn day now.

He gave up getting anything else done and threw himself down on the cot he’d dragged out of one of the storage areas. He could at least try to get some rest and refocus before the next mission. Whatever happened, Shepard still needed him, and relied on him to have her six. Even if she disagreed with him about Sidonis, he’d be damned if he was going to let that cause him to fail her as well Losing her once was enough. Besides, without her showing up on that bridge he would be dead by now for sure. He owed her too much, and he couldn’t ever forget that. ~~~~

 


	9. Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon. Shepard comes face-to-face with the Collectors, and other unpleasant realities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So sorry for the delay in updates! But there’s more coming, I promise! 
> 
> As always, my thanks to my beta Sia and co-author/sanity checker Arquen. Mass Effect and all characters belong to Bioware; Karin is my take on Commander Shepard. I only gain writing skill-ups from this. Etc.

**_Chapter 9: Horizon_ **

_There is only one thing_

_on our minds_

_Don't try running away_

_`cause you're the one we will find_

_Seek and Destroy, Metallica_

Karin stood with her knuckles on the conference room table after her new mission brief with the Illusive Man was over.

_It’s a trap. And yet, I can’t leave an entire colony’s population to die if we even think we can get there in time to stop an attack. Fucking Illusive Man knows me too well, or I’m too predictable, one or the other._

But who should she take onto Horizon? Garrus was a given – there wasn’t anyone else on the ship she trusted more. But – the other? Mordin was out – Karin wanted him monitoring whatever solution he was able to deliver. Speaking of which…

She turned and headed to the salarian’s lab, hoping that he had something up his proverbial sleeve to protect them from Seeker swarms. He didn’t disappoint – at least, as he said himself, “In theory.

On the shuttle ride down to the surface, Karin debriefed her team, letting them in on her suspicions regarding the Illusive Man and how much information he was withholding from her.  Jack just snorted, to no one’s great surprise. Shepard had chosen Jack as the third squadmate because her biotics were something neither Shepard nor Vakarian could bring to the table. Thanks to Kaidan and Liara, Karin had a rough idea what Jack _could_ do. Garrus had simply lowered his brow ridges at the mention of Alenko and muttered, “Convenient…”

Karin had to agree with that statement. Kaidan Alenko was a potential complication no matter how she looked at it. Anderson had refused to discuss him. It was clear that Kaidan was a rising star in the Alliance now. His loyalty to Shepard on the SR1 _Normandy_ could not be questioned.

_I’m not leaving either..._

Karin squeezed her eyes shut briefly, recalling the moment before she ordered Alenko to evacuate the first _Normandy_. Kaidan was a good man and a hell of a soldier. He probably deserved at least some of the attention the Alliance was evidently giving him. He’d been attracted to her as well, but was too much of a professional to act on that without good reason – which Karin _hadn’t_ given him. She thought her relationship with the man was on reasonably solid ground two years ago, but now? Particularly if the Alliance had her firmly allied with Cerberus?

_If Anderson’s suspicious of me, God knows what Kaidan will make of all this. If we run into him at all. It’s a big planet._

_Grow up, Karin. If there’s trouble he’ll be there._

  
She pulled her rifle from its mount on her back, checked the heat sink, and squared her shoulders. It was show time.

“Stay sharp, people. Jack, if Mordin’s armor mods don’t work, we may need a barrier pronto so we can get out of here.”

“Whatever you say, boss lady.” Jack didn’t use Shepard’s rank, but to be honest, Karin didn’t care. Subject Zero had calmed down a bit when Karin was good to her word about giving her access to the Cerberus files she wanted, so for now, Karin was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

When the shuttle doors opened, a blast of dry, hot wind slammed into the squad. Karin hit the ground first, followed by Jack and Garrus. The first thing they all saw was the massive ship in front of them. Something about it shook loose a memory for Karin -

_Shepard saw the dark shadow that was their attacker blossom with a golden light as it prepared to fire._

She shook her head slightly in confusion.

_That can’t be possible. Can it?_

At best, it was speculation, something she didn’t have time for right now.

The squad advanced carefully toward piles of supplies that had been abandoned by the colonists, noticing that the seeker swarms did part around them. At least Mordin’s _theory_ looked solid so far. That theory wasn’t going to protect her from the small arms fire that suddenly bounced off of her shields, however.

“Incoming!”

Bringing Jack turned out to be a good decision – she used destructive waves of biotic energy to toss Collectors to the side like toys, leaving them easy pickings for Shepard and Vakarian. And there were a _lot_ of Collectors.

“One less to worry about!” Garrus crowed over the ‘comm as a Collector’s head vanished from its shoulders.

“Nice,” Karin commented as she took cover and scanned for other targets. Then, her visor lit up a barrel of fuel near a number of husks and at least one shielded Collector. Shepard smirked as she took the shot.

“I get credit for all of those,” she challenged. Jack rose to the bait even before Garrus could.

“Whatever you have to do to keep up,” the biotic yelled. Despite herself, Karin chuckled.

_Jack, you’ll fit in just fine._

The brief levity was over quickly, as the scope of the abductions from Horizon became clear. Significant caches of supplies were simply…abandoned. No one saw any evidence of bodies or remains except for husks or Collectors that the team dispatched themselves.  Karin paused over the first husk they killed, once they caught a break from more incoming forces.

“This looks different from the husks I saw on Eden Prime,” she commented. “More advanced. Evolved, somehow.”

“We haven’t seen any of the spikes that the geth used to make husks,” Garrus pointed out “so these didn’t come from the colonists here.”

Karin tried not to shudder. She had to try harder when they found some colonists who stood in place like grotesque statues, outlined with a sickly orange glow.

“This looks like some kinda stasis field,” Jack said – and even the rebellious biotic’s voice was quiet. “These people don’t look hurt, and that field could keep them still for a long time. They may even know what’s going on.”

“Live colonists? That’s grim.” Garrus commented, his own voice dark. This time, Karin _did_ shudder a little.

“That means they want the colonists alive for some other purpose. Experiments, I’m guessing.” Jack cursed next to her.

“Shit, that means the Illusive Man was right – the Collectors are working for the Reapers.” It was pretty clear from Jack’s tone that she hated to admit the Illusive Man was right about anything – but Karin understood that all too well.

“Let’s get going and see if we can find a way to drive them off before they can get too many more,” she said as she led the way past the next group of pre-fabs and supply crates. They walked right into a large Collector ambush. Something was immediately different about this group, though. One of the collectors suddenly staggered, and then flared with orange flames. A voice echoed across the common area – one that reverberated through Karin’s mind and chest as much as it was perceived with her ears. It almost reminded her of how _Sovereign_ sounded when it ‘spoke’.

_I AM ASSUMING CONTROL._

_What the hell…?_ She didn’t have more time to react – the immolated Collector hurled what looked like a bright ball of biotic energy toward her. Shepard scrambled for cover, but the hurled missile tracked her and took out her shields in a flash of flames.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?” she yelled back, gesturing wildly for Garrus and Jack to keep their heads down as much as possible.

_I AM THE HARBINGER OF YOUR PERFECTION._

Her shields recharged, Shepard decided to risk drawing the attention of whatever this new _thing_ was. She ducked out of cover and used her incineration module to lob a fireball back at it.

“And what’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Karin waited until the last possible second, when the creature appeared to be gathering energy for another attack.

_WE ARE YOUR GENETIC DESTINY._

“The last time a human said that to his army, millions were slaughtered like cattle. Wrong answer. Try again!” Karin retorted, adding a round from her rifle for emphasis. The being’s four glowing eyes provided a perfect targeting reference, and her shot went unerringly to its target. The disruptor ammo she was using took out the creature’s shields, and the round continued on to its destination. The fiery Collector dissolved into a cloud of glowing ashes, leaving no remnants. 

_YOU WILL REGRET YOUR RESISTANCE, SHEPARD._

Karin was so distracted by the odd Collector that she ignored a husk charging her. She didn’t see it until it was mere feet from her. Its head exploded, but its body staggered a few more steps before it fell.

“Dammit, Shepard!” Garrus’s voice was probably angrier than it should have been over the ‘comm. “Watch your three!”

“Thanks!” Karin saw a flash of biotic energy surge by her, and took cover behind a crate after Jack removed the two Collectors who had taken shelter there. After the “harbinger” was killed, though, the attack lost its momentum. Jack’s hands glowed blue, and she threw the last remaining Collector against the side of a pre-fab with so much force that the wall caved in.

They scanned the surrounding pre-fabs, looking for any more colonists. None of them saw any, but Karin did spy a garage door with a red holo-seal. It was no challenge for Shepard’s hacking skills, and the three of them slipped inside, closing the door before any swarmers could enter. Karin couldn’t speak for Garrus, but both she and Jack needed a moment to let their eyes adjust to the darker interior. A clatter of some metal tool or object striking the floor drew all of their attention; all three raised weapons.

“Get out here. _Now_.” Karin commanded sharply.

Their ‘host’ turned out to be a very frightened mechanic named Delan, who had a serious problem with the Alliance. Karin was able to get some useful information out of him, though, both about what the colony had in terms of weaponry and about Alenko. Delan insisted he was going to lock them out after they left – but to be honest, if he hadn’t already promised to do it, Karin would have considered locking him in herself.

 _If your ass is in here, out of the action, and you’re still second-guessing me, or Kaidan, or anyone else who tried to actually do something, you can_ stay _in here for all I care._

When they left the bunker, they walked into a fight with some kind of horrific creature none of them had seen so far on the way in. They looked like multiple humans stuck together, with some kind of bulbous hump on their backs. They walked very slowly, but the first time one of them threw a shockwave much like Jack’s at her squad, Karin saw why they weren’t helpless.  Jack managed to keep the husks off of them and deal with the closer collectors while Karin and Garrus worked at finding weak points on the new abominations the Collectors had unleashed.

 _All of these husks and whatever-the-hell those big things are were humans once, with hopes and flaws and dreams,_ Karin thought bitterly, as one of the big humpbacked monstrosities fell to its knees and then completely to the ground. _But not from these colonists. Are the Collectors building an army for the Reapers? I didn’t think they needed_ living _humans to put on those spikes._

Karin made sure to thoroughly scan at least a few husks and the larger creatures that Jack had taken to calling scions. The name was a play on words from human mythology regarding psychic powers and Karin could appreciate it even if she wasn’t that familiar with the associated legends.

They scavenged every scrap of medigel and heat sinks they could find. The map Karin had suggested that the locked gate ahead of them was the last thing between her squad and the colony defense towers – the key to getting the Collectors to leave. And time was ticking – the longer they took fighting their way to it, the more colonists would be abducted. Karin almost brute-force hacked the gate to get them into the courtyard.

They walked into a nightmare. Husks from all sides, Collector assassins with portable shields, and more of those damned scions. By the time the team cleared the courtyard, all three of them were injured, although none seriously. While Jack and Garrus applied a minimal amount of medigel, Karin contacted _Normandy._ EDI offered to take over power control and calibration of the defense towers. Garrus frowned at that, but Karin shook her head and gestured at the wreckage of bodies they’d created so far.

“I need your gun and your abilities focused on the Collectors, Garrus, or they’ll destroy the defense controls before they can do any good. Jack’s getting overwhelmed and I can only fire so fast. Let EDI handle this one.”

She wanted to talk to Jack, too, but EDI warned them of incoming hostiles before she had the chance. The flow of battle kept Karin so busy that she was only vaguely hearing EDI’s updates. Just when things started to turn in her team’s favor, though, a horrifying screech split the air. All three of them looked toward the Collector ship, where a very large creature was rapidly headed their direction.

“What the fuck –“ Jack shouted, as the thing landed and _screeched_ again, sending them all staggering back. It had a formidable shell and a barrier that almost _shimmered_ with power. What was most horrifying, though, was its maw – which appeared to contain at least fifteen husks.

All three of them quickly found their attacks were not effective. The only thing that seemed to affect that monstrosity at all was measures that affected barriers and shields. Karin sent her visor’s analysis of potential vulnerabilities to Garrus, but assumed he’d reached the same conclusions.

“Focus on getting its barriers down. Then we’ll worry about the rest.” Shepard ordered. Unfortunately, every time they did, the creature was only disabled for a few seconds. The battle turned into a patience game while Jack and Garrus whittled away its shields and Karin and Garrus did most of the precision shooting. Just as they managed to finally kill the damn thing, EDI’s voice unintentionally, if chillingly, mimicked Harbinger’s.

“Power at 100%. I have full control.”

The planetary defense cannons fired a relentless assault on the Collector ship, which prepared to launch again. As it lifted off, the shockwave forced Karin and Garrus to stagger backwards. Shepard felt her heart sink as the ship left with far too many of the colony’s inhabitants.

_I’m so sorry I failed you._

“There’s no reason to stay. Most of the colonists are on board.” Garrus’s resigned voice echoed her frustration.

“No! Don’t let them get away! Stop them!” Delan, the mechanic, had apparently decided it was time to abandon his shelter. Apparently he was feeling fairly brave now.

“There’s nothing we can do. They’re gone.” Karin’s carefully neutral voice hid her own cascade of emotions. Anger at the Collectors, at herself, and sorrow for the colonists and whatever awful fate probably awaited them.

“But half the colony’s in there! They got Egan and Sara…and Lilith! Do something!”

Karin couldn’t keep all of her emotions out of her voice despite her best efforts.

“I didn’t _want_ it to end this way. I did what I _could_.”

“More than most, Shepard.” Garrus stepped up next to her, looking pointedly at the mechanic, but there was a comforting depth to his voice that caught her by surprise.

“Shepard? Wait…” Delan paused as recognition dawned on him. “I know that name. Sure, I remember you,” he all but sneered. “You’re some type of big Alliance hero.”

“Commander Shepard. Captain of the _Normandy_ , the first human Spectre, and Savior of the Citadel.” Everyone present turned, and Karin instantly recognized _that_ voice.

_Kaidan._

Alenko continued toward them, stopping a conversational distance from both Delan and Shepard.

“You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

Kaidan gave her a _very_ pointed look. The “I thought you were dead” look – one Karin was starting to _really_ dread when people turned it her direction. Delan broke off that train of thought.

“All the good people we lost and _you_ get left behind. Figures.” The mechanic turned his ire on Alenko. “Screw this. I’m done with you Alliance types.” He turned and stalked away, but Karin largely ignored him as Kaidan stepped within an arm’s reach. He gave her a long, measuring look before his expression relaxed slightly. He offered a handshake.

“I thought you were dead, Commander.” Relieved, Karin reached out to accept the offered handshake as he continued. “We all did.”

 “It’s been too long, Kaidan,” she began. “How’ve you been?” Admittedly it was awkward, but how did one respond to that? Apparently, not the way she just did –

“Is that all you have to say?” He scoffed. “You come back after two years and act like nothing happened?” Kaidan scowled at her, and advanced angrily. “I would have followed you anywhere, Commander!” He regained control for a moment, and stepped back. Karin just stared at him in shock.

“Thinking you were gone – it was losing a limb,” he said sorrowfully, and in truth, Karin might have been moved, but he didn’t give her the chance as the anger returned to his voice. “Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“Not my choice!” Karin couldn’t keep the pain out of her voice. “I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.” At the mention of Cerberus, Kaidan stepped back and looked at her as if she’d just told him she had some highly contagious disease.

“You’re with _Cerberus,_ now. Garrus, too? I can’t believe the reports were right.” There was no question in his voice as far as Shepard was concerned, just confirmation. And disappointment. Shepard was still, for once, at a loss for words.

A flanged voice took over for her as she wrestled with how to handle the rapidly deteriorating situation. “Reports. You mean you already knew.” Garrus also seemed unsurprised. Maybe it was the ex-cop in him. Maybe it was the more cynical Archangel that had replaced the idealistic Vakarian. Whatever it was, it gave Karin a chance to regroup as Kaidan responded.

“Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip that this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren’t dead. That you were working for the _enemy_.”

The accusation in his voice on the word “enemy” hurt more than she expected.

 _So…you’re here because someone conveniently warned the Alliance that the Collectors were coming. Fuck you, ‘boss’. This is all getting really old, really fast,_ Karin growled to herself.

“Cerberus and I want the same thing – to save our colonies. That _doesn’t_ mean I answer to them,” she carefully emphasized. _Especially now._ Kaidan advanced toward her again.

“Do you _really_ believe that? Or is that what Cerberus _wants_ you to think? I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I _never_ expected _anything_ like this! You’ve turned your back on _everything_ we stood for!” Kaidan was not backing down, but that last comment was too much for Karin’s patience.

“Kaidan, you know me.” _Or I thought you did. “_ You _know_ I’d only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they’re working for the Reapers.” All she had was the evidence – it was all she _ever_ had, but the trust she needed to make it credible was apparently gone.

“I want to believe you, Shepard, but _I don’t trust Cerberus._ ” Alenko was equally emphatic. “They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate _you_. What if _they’re_ behind it? What if they’re working with the Collectors?”

He was upset, and that last set of accusations had gone too far against what Karin knew to be true to let it stand. Before she could say that, Garrus interrupted.

“Dammit, Kaidan, you’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat!” The frustration in the turian’s voice was clear, and from the look Jack gave him, she was hard put to disagree with Garrus. For that matter, so was Karin. She swallowed a sigh.

“Kaidan, you’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts,” she offered more diplomatically. Kaidan gave her another dubious look – he clearly wasn’t buying it.

“Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe them for saving you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight. You’ve changed, but I still know where _my_ loyalties lie.” Karin cringed inwardly at that. “ _I’m_ an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.” With that, he turned to go.

 _Well, this cause is lost. Whatever loyalty or regard he had for me is gone._ Karin felt the urge to invite him to join rise to her lips, but she stopped the words before she could utter them and make things worse. A leaden feeling sank into her gut. She settled for just two words.

“Goodbye, Kaidan.”

She was a little surprised when he didn’t just keep walking. He turned back and gave her one last look.

“Good bye, Shepard. And –“ he paused, “be careful.” Then, he was gone. Karin heard Jack mumble something about someone being a dick even if she agreed with how he felt about Cerberus. Garrus was silent, although she suspected his eyes were fixed on her as she watched Alenko go.

She needed to be somewhere that wasn’t Horizon.  She activated her ‘comm.

“Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this colony.”

 _Enough of the failure. Enough of the distrust. Enough of the Illusive Man’s deceptions. Enough of – everything._  

 

* * *

 

Garrus’s irritation didn’t lessen any more with Kaidan gone and the shuttle’s arrival. For someone that had been going out of his way to prove his loyalty and, the turian suspected, his quality as a potential mate to Shepard, Alenko was all too ready to turn his back on her. Literally.

_It’d be different if he even gave her a chance to present the evidence before making too many assumptions._

Or would it?

So far, Garrus had seen both Anderson and Alenko treat Shepard with open distrust, as if she had some kind of contagion. Maybe they had their reasons. As _he_ was concerned, he was here for Shepard alone. Cerberus could rot, but if Shepard believed the threat and Cerberus just meant she had the resources to confront it, that was good enough for him. Besides, Shepard’s angry reaction to his figure of speech about joining Cerberus sooner had been evidence enough that Karin wasn’t a Cerberus loyalist.

_And she did drag my ass out of a very large fire, whether I like it or not. Which is exactly what she would have done two years ago._

It wasn’t even a question for him. He’d trusted her from the moment he realized that she was actually _real_ and not some near-death hallucination. She’d been pleased to see him as well – and Garrus was beginning to put together why. They’d been close two years ago, but her reaction went beyond that. Now he _knew_ he hadn’t been the only one grateful to see a friendly face.

_Then again…_

Kaidan had said that losing her was like losing a limb. Garrus thought back to the unintentional shrine he’d made in his old apartment, the one he’d gazed at when he decided to cut ties with C-Sec and strike out on his own. He’d done that to honor Shepard’s memory, and he’d done damn well at it.

_At least until Sidonis…_

For a moment, a blue haze drowned out everything else, and the familiar rage boiled to the surface. He tried to hide it, but Garrus suddenly realized his talons were digging into the seat, and that Shepard was regarding him with concern. Even in spite of everything else that had just happened. Garrus shook his head at her, but her eyes lingered on him a moment before she turned to Jack.

Losing Shepard hadn’t been like losing a limb to him. It had been worse.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When the shuttle was docked, Karin waved Garrus and Jack on to the armory and the mess. She’d found a spark of rage when she saw Garrus trying to hide some kind of anger. Without realizing it, her friend had reminded her that she still had a crew and a cause to fight for. Kaidan was right about Cerberus manipulating her after all, but not in the way he assumed. And Karin was getting very tired of the Illusive Man not giving her the whole story.

“I’m going to go have a little talk with the puppetmaster,” she growled as she brushed past them both.

The Illusive Man didn’t demur when she confronted him about what happened on Horizon. And, like Shepard, he seized on the fact that the Collectors had been proven to be in league with the Reapers. He’d even had the gall to lecture her on how to lead her own team. The ‘comm had been an exercise in frustration for Karin, though, and she stopped just short of telling him to mind his own business and stay out of _her_ way. Her temper didn’t start to cool until the ‘comm was over, although she did a good job of honing an icy edge on it before she started to let it go.

_I’m just going to be expecting another trap any time he sends me on a direct mission like that. Not the definition of a good working relationship._

When the QEC ended, Karin was surprised to see Jacob waiting to speak with her in the ‘comm room. About closure, of all things. And he unknowingly gave her a great deal to consider as she retreated to her quarters. Karin stripped out of her damaged armor, making a mental note to return it to the armory for repairs, and hit the shower.  She leaned tiredly on the wall, with the water as hot as she could stand it.

_What if Kaidan’s right? What if Anderson’s right about not trusting me, too? Clearly, I can be manipulated – it just fucking happened. I know to be on guard for it, and I’m not shocked, but –_

_I_ am _doing this because of the Collectors – and, now we know, the Reapers. That’s not a falsehood as far as I know and I have evidence to back that up. More importantly, I have lots of data for Mordin to work with._

 _Kaidan thinks Cerberus saved me. I’m not convinced they did. Would I still remember what happened –_ Karin’s body shuddered in spite of the hot water – _what it felt like to get blown off the ship, to –_

She slammed her fist into the wall, but it was too late. She was already reliving the horrors. She relived the same fugue of memories she experienced over Alchera.

The last memory – Garrus’s voice – talking to him on the old _Normandy_ - 

_I’m going back to C-Sec. … I’m going to do it right this time…_

Karin gasped, and opened her eyes. She hadn’t heard the beep signaling the end of the shower, and she was still leaning against the wall, clinging to the grab bar like her life depended on it.

 _It’s not happening again. It’s not happening again._ She shuddered and leaned against the wall as her heart slowed back down. _FUCK._

Karin wrung her wet hair with such force that her scalp ached. She gave herself a moment, and then turned the shower back on for a brief wash. The flashback and the events of the past day were weighing heavily on her, but so was exhaustion. She just might be able to sleep anyway.

She could hope.

Just as she was about to flop onto her bed, her private terminal beeped. Against her better judgment, Karin checked it under the assumption that the Illusive Man’s additional dossiers had arrived. The message wasn’t from the Illusive Man at all. In fact, it wasn’t from anyone that Karin had expected.

It was from Admiral Hackett. And it wasn’t an order to return to face a court martial.

 

> _Commander Shepard:_
> 
> _Our scans in the Amada system have turned up something we thought you should see: the final location of the wreckage of the SSV Normandy._
> 
> _We thought this news might be important to you, but we also have an ulterior motive. The Alliance would like to honor the Normandy with a monument, to be built on the site of the ship's final resting place. We'd like to invite you to place the monument and be the first to walk on the site._
> 
> _There are still 20 crew members unaccounted for from the attack on the Normandy. If you find any signs of these lost crewman, we ask that you report to the Alliance so that those heroes' families might find some closure._
> 
> _Godspeed to you, Commander._

 Karin closed the message and sat down tiredly at her desk.

 _Closure. Suddenly, everyone seems to need it. And I can’t say I want to go back_ there _of all places._

Then – a realization.

_Wait a second. This IS about closure. Even for me. Maybe especially for me. If *I* don’t have closure, how can I expect to be in a position to lead my command to it?_

Karin considered the rough ETA – it might actually give her some time to try to sleep. She’d need it if she was going to face the old Normandy’s wreckage…

At least the decision was made. This was something she _had_ to do. For herself, if nothing else.

“Joker, take us back to the Amada system. Hackett’s orders.”

_“Wait, what? Amada? Hackett? Are you sure you want to go back there, Commander? I don’t have the greatest memories of that place.”_

“Me either, Joker. Believe me. Shepard out.”

_This is something I’m going to have to face sooner or later, before it compromises me even more._

 


	10. Aftermath and Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard barely has time to get back from Horizon before another emotionally ugly situation springs out of the woodwork. She will need to get her own head right - otherwise, how can she help her team be as committed?
> 
> "Never ask of your subordinates what you aren't willing to do yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As always, Mass Effect and its characters belong to Bioware, and I am just playing with their wonderful toys and gaining writing xp. Thanks as always to Sia and Arquen. Arquen's lovely Garrus writing will shine in this chapter and the next. Chapter 11 is out for beta. :) More updates as time allows – the muse is willing but the schedule sucks.

_Am I sweating?_

_Or are these tears on my face?_

_Should I be hungry?_

_I can’t remember the last time I ate._

_Call someone_

_I need a friend to talk me down_

 --One Foot Wrong, P!nk

 

* * *

 

Karin had fallen into a dreamless, exhausted sleep thanks to the high emotional toll Horizon took on her. A few hours of this not-particularly-restful sleep didn’t make much of a difference in her energy level or her mood. Eventually, Karin gave up, got up, and went to her desk. She sat down and re-read the message. She found that she could at least think clearly enough to be annoyed at the whole idea.

_You have GOT to be kidding me. On top of the Council’s bullshit and everything else?!_

Karin pushed her chair back from her private terminal and stared at the model of the SR-1-Normandy in the case over her desk. In a way, she understood Admiral Hackett’s reasoning, and that she should feel honored.  But part of her soul rebelled at the whole idea.

_He wants me to go back to the crash site and find everyone’s dog tags because clearly the Alliance was too busy to see to it and honor their – our –memories. And because apparently no one did anything beyond that dreaded visit from the chaplains and officers in dress blues._

Yet the reality was there was no reason to harbor resentment. At the end of the day, Hackett was right. And, at the end of the day, she was their commanding officer. She owed it to the ones who were still fallen. She had to honor them properly and see that their families got closure. Karin sighed, closed her eyes, and rubbed them vigorously for a moment.

_Well, let’s see if they at least got the memorial itself right._

She loaded the data that the Alliance had forwarded onto a holo generator. When she activated it, a golden image of the original Normandy in flight rose above it. Text on the display slowly cycled through the names of the fallen. Seeing those names again caused her throat to tighten.

 _Yeah…they got that part right._ She shut it off.

 _I saw the report. Most of the Accident Investigation Committee was impressed that we “only” lost twenty-one souls, counting me._ Still…those twenty-one –no, twenty, now - Karin clenched her fist hard enough that her fingernails bit into her palms. 

_I. Did.  Everything. I. Could._

But the thought was not any more comforting than applying that same logic to what happened on Horizon.

_I still feel like I failed all of them._

She turned the device off and left it in front of the model ship case.

Several hours later, Karin ended up turning that damn device over in her hands several times as she sat in front of her load-out locker in the otherwise-empty armory. A mix of fear and dread kept her staring into the locker nearly until Normandy was in established orbit. After getting accused of treason by the Council and Kaidan and mistrusted by Anderson of all people, to be honest, she wasn’t ready to face this aspect of her past alone. Finally, she hooked the memorial module onto her hardsuit belt.

A sudden chill struck her. The last time they’d been to Alchera she’d been sitting in front of a locker much like this one…She shuddered. It wasn’t quite a flashback, but it was definitely a d _eja-vu._

_I can’t do this alone._

But – at least there was one person on the new Normandy who might be willing to make sure she didn’t have to. It was worth asking, anyway. She activated her omnitool.

“Garrus, can you meet me in the armory, please?”

Something in her voice must have gotten his attention. Karin suspected the only reason he didn’t get there faster was the lift, which was still slow even on this supposedly upgraded ship. When he got there, she was still sitting in front of her locker in her black hardsuit liner. He listened patiently while she brought him up to speed. After she’d outlined the mission, she sighed.

“Admiral Hackett probably assumes I’ll go alone to disturb the site as little as possible.  I…don’t think I’m prepared for that. You were there - you know that ship and you knew her crew. Would you be willing to come with me?” The unspoken comment hung in the air as well.

_I’d really appreciate the moral support, too._

* * *

It wasn’t an order. That was what caught his attention the most. It wasn’t the tone of the Commander Shepard that said “let’s suit up and head out.” No, when she contacted him on the comm it was a simple question. From one friend to another.

“Garrus, can you meet me in the armory, please?” Her tone was more frantic than usual. An undertone that he had only heard once before, and that was when he was clinging to life on a cold floor.

He made his way as fast as he could to the armory. As he was riding up the infernally slow lift he checked his omni-tool to check their course. He had felt when the ship changed headings, but he hadn’t thought to check exactly where they were going.

Alchera. Suddenly, it all made sense. Though he couldn’t imagine why Shepard would want to visit that place, it held only ghosts and memories of things lost.

When he found Shepard she was leaning against her locker, seemingly lost in thought. Her eyes lit up briefly when she saw him approach. Apparently, he had gotten there in record time despite the lift.

He listened patiently while she explained the mission details. It wasn’t her usual briefing. Her calm, commanding demeanor was replaced with a soft, rambling undertone that seemed to be more like a conversation than a formal briefing.

He also couldn’t help but notice how her hand kept going to the module hooked to her belt. Her fingers traced it absently as she talked.

When she finished catching him up on her actual purpose for going down there, she let out a sigh and her eyes met his, searching.

“Admiral Hackett probably assumes I’ll go alone to disturb the site as little as possible.  I…don’t think I’m prepared for that. You were there - you know that ship and you knew her crew. Would you be willing to come with me?” It wasn’t from a commander to her crew, but a simple favor from a trusted friend. Shepard had never asked anything of him. Not like this, anyway. After all they had been through; of course he would go with her. He didn’t even hesitate.

She didn’t want to go alone. It was as simple as that.

“I’m with you, Shepard.” He said it simply, hoping it would answer the unasked question that hung in the air. He would always be there if Shepard needed him. Even if it was just for moral support. The least he could do for someone who had done so much for him.

Fifteen minutes later, both were suited up and headed for the docking bay as the SR2 _Normandy_ reached Alchera’s drop range.

* * *

Even with the thin atmosphere in mind, Alchera seemed eerily quiet. Dry, powdery snow covered the ground and the visible wreckage of the SR-1 _Normandy._ The ship had broken into three major pieces that were strewn within a few hundred meters of each other. The best landing site also happened to be near the overturned M-35 Mako. The vehicle was remarkably well preserved . It looked as if it could be righted and driven. In different circumstances, Karin would have remarked on it and a banter would probably have broken out. As it was, she couldn’t bring herself to speak and break the silence.

The scattered wreckage and the snow made the search for dog tags challenging. It was also deeply sobering to walk into parts of the wreckage as they were now. Shepard found herself remembering flashes of the various crew members and locations as they walked a methodical search pattern and stayed within visual contact range.

Garrus was scouting for a reasonable location for the memorial when the enormity of the scene caught up with Karin. Retrieving dog tags from fallen comrades was one thing. That was an unfortunate but ever-present reality of military service and one she was prepared to confront.

What she wasn’t prepared for was finding her own badly pitted and heat-scarred helmet lying in the snow near the CIC debris field. She sank to her knees, swept by sudden, powerful memories.

_She struggled to reach the lifepod’s emergency launch override panel, barely brushing it with her fingertips as another explosion shook the remaining fuselage of the dying ship. She saw the last life pod launch, with Joker in it, right before she was spun away from the hatch. Several concussive waves from explosions in the wreckage spun her this way and that. The tumble was disorienting but one she knew to expect. She When she managed to steady herself, she turned to see the last of her ship blown apart. As her eyes searched for the ion trails of the launched escape pods, the sound of an ominous hiss forced its way into her awareness._

_Suit leak. Have to stop - Can’t reach - can’t — breathe…Getting cold. So - cold._

Garrus found her on her knees in the snow, clutching the battered relic in a death-grip and with her horrified expression clear even through the breather helmet.

* * *

Garrus suddenly understood why humans could refer to silence as deafening – because that kind of silence was on the surface of Alchera. There was only the whisper of wind and the swirling snow obstructing their view of everything. Everything except the shadows of wreckage that lay strewn about. Silhouettes that pierced through the white terrain, and in the center of it all stood the upturned M-35 Mako. It was remarkably preserved, despite the wreckage around it. He crossed his arms and flared his mandibles slightly as he remembered all those hours driving with Shepard and repairing and calibrating the damn thing. Somehow, it seemed appropriate that it ended up this way. The ship wasn’t so lucky. For the first time he saw the utter devastation that had led to the end of the SR-1 Normandy. The hull was completely severed in pieces, and he knew it was probably a miracle that anyone had survived at all.

As he searched around collecting dog tags, he couldn’t help but think this place was more like a tomb than a monument.

He kept glancing over at Shepard, and even under her helmet he could guess her expression - something between nostalgia and defeat. Her posture crumpled slightly, and she said nothing, just searched through the snow methodically for dog tags. Every once in a while she would simply stop and stand completely still at a piece of wreckage, lost in memories or thoughts. As they continued gathering the mementos of the lost.

 From an early age, he’d were taught that losses were inevitable. All turians had the concept drilled into them from an early age.

_As long as there was someone left standing, the loss was acceptable._

 Somehow, that didn’t make it any easier. He had been the only turian aboard the Normandy, but he knew these people, and he knew they deserved better than to be forgotten on some desolate planet.

He hesitated slightly as he came across the wreckage of his old quarters. It seemed like so long ago that he had first joined up with Shepard. He was young, and knew he didn’t belong in C-Sec or on the Citadel. Shepard had given him a way out, and he didn’t regret joining her for one second. He only regretted not being there when she had...

_Died._

It was a chilling realization. This wasn’t just the tomb of the Normandy crew. This was Shepard’s tomb as well. He turned to check on her, but couldn’t see her through the snow. A small surge of panic went through him. He couldn’t lose her again, not here.

He tuned his visor to maximize for heat signatures. He called her name, but his voice only seemed to be absorbed into the falling snow and swept off by the wind.

Suddenly, his visor picked up on her signature, but he could never have expected what he would find when he approached her. She was on her knees, clinging to a badly beaten and scarred helmet. He recognized that helmet. Her helmet.

After a moment she looked up at him, and despite her efforts she couldn’t seem to hide the fear and despair in her eyes. She might have been prepared to gather dog tags, but being confronted with your own death. He couldn’t imagine. Even if he had  any doubts about the whole story about her death, which he wasn’t, this would have ended  them.

He kneeled down next to her, and placed a hand on her shoulder. There were no words he could say, but he just wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone.

“Karin, you don’t have to do this. I can place the monument, and get the tags. I think this place is better left alone. Besides, we aren’t dead yet. That’s got to count for something.” He moved his hand from her shoulder and took the helmet from her hands. He would place it next to the monument, to stay here where it belonged.

* * *

The touch of a hand on her shoulder and a familiar voice brought her back from that lake of memories. Discipline mingled with something else - the hand had three digits, not five - kept her from panicking and striking at -

_Garrus._

His voice, however, was saying something completely different than she’d heard in her last conscious seconds. It may have been that difference that brought her back to the here and now.

“Karin, you don’t have to do this. I can place the monument, and get the tags. I think this place is better left alone. Besides, we aren’t dead yet. That’s got to count for something.” He was right about that, of course, but she still needed a moment to compose herself. In that moment, he reached for her old helmet. Her fingers flexed for a second as she considered hanging on to it. Then, with a sigh, she let it go, and let him take it from her hands.

“I - no. Thank you,” she half-stammered. Damn it. She took a deep breath and tried to speak again. This time, her voice didn’t betray her. “I need to see this through if…if I’m ever going to move on from it, Garrus.”

Come on, Shepard, stand up. _Do this. You have no other choice,_ she told herself. E _ven if you hate everything Cerberus stands for, you’re alive now, and lives still depend on you._

When she stood up, she took a quick count of the dog tags they’d found. Eighteen. So, there were two sets still missing. She quickly checked the ones Garrus was holding to confirm the names. One of the missing sets was her own. She gestured back towards the wreckage of the CIC.

“You said that looked like a good spot for the memorial?” He nodded a response.

“I’m going to walk another sweep. We’re still missing mine and one other set, although to be honest, if we don’t find mine, it won’t cost me any sleep.” She tried to put some humor into that last part, but at least to her ears, it fell flat. She suddenly couldn’t meet Garrus’s gaze. On impulse, she touched his arm briefly.

“Thanks, Garrus. I’m really glad you’re here.” She turned and walked away, trying to focus on the souls who were lost here and not hers.

Several moments had passed before she realized Garrus had called her by her given name.

_I don’t think he’s ever done that…_

* * *

He didn’t follow her. This was something she needed to do alone, and he understood that only too well. He kept an eye on her until she became just a shadow obstructed by the snow. Not unlike the wreckage strewn about.

He had known Shepard for years, he respected her more than anyone else in the galaxy, and yet in this moment of weakness he realized she was so much more than someone he looked up to. Somehow, with words unspoken, she had become a true friend.

He relied on her, consulted her advice, and accepted her decisions. It wasn’t until this moment, though, that he realized she felt the same about him. He wasn’t here as part of her team, he wasn’t here as a sniper, or even as a turian. He was here because he was her friend, and she knew he would have her back.

Karin. Yeah, it was the first time he had called her that. Somehow, it had just felt right. In that moment she hadn’t been Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy. She had simply been Karin, and that was more than enough.

Suddenly, a glimmer of silver flared in his peripheral vision, bringing him out of his thoughts. He began to wander towards it, keeping his visor focused on the glimmer. It was off by itself, half buried in the snow, partly obstructed by a large piece of wreckage. He made his way around the large metal debris, and kneeled, digging the object out of the snow. Unlike the dog tags, it blazed with a golden light. A piece of fire trapped beneath the white powder of the frost. Shepard’s medal. The Star of Terra. Her medal awarded by the System Alliance for her courage and bravery on Elysium, back at the start of her military career.

He remembered reading reports back in C-Sec of how they had built a monument to Shepard on Elysium, commemorating her for nearly single handedly repelling an attack by batarian slavers. She had told it differently, of course, but she kept the medal always with her. A reminder, he supposed, that she was no stranger to impossible odds.

He traced the medal with his thumb, turning it over a couple of times, remembering how Shepard always had it nearby, or on her person. During their time hunting for Saren. Even when he had first met her: Karin Shepard, War Hero, and soon-to-be the first human Spectre.

He placed the medal into a separate pouch from the other dog tags. It was something he should return to Shepard personally.

As he made his way back to Shepard, he noticed for the first time what the piece of wreckage obstructing the medal actually was. Shepard’s old quarters. He had never actually seen them, but just knowing that this place had been the closest thing she called to home. How this ship had been his home for a while. It was a sobering thought.

He found Shepard near where the old galaxy map had stood.

“It’s fitting, I think.” She said flatly as he approached.

She knelt down, and placed the monument. An orange holographic image of the SR-1 blazed into existence, turning the snow around it into a flame.

She stayed kneeling for a brief moment, and he kneeled beside her, placing the scarred and battered helmet next to the monument. The holograph bathing it, too, in an eerie radiance.

“It’s done Shepard. Let’s go.” He said and turned to meet her eyes. He knew she couldn’t see his face through his helmet, but he hoped his words could give her some strength.

He stood up, and she followed his lead, standing beside him. Their eyes locked, even through the helmets. She nodded her agreement, and they made their way to the shuttle in silence. 

 


	11. The real Commander Shepard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As always, Mass Effect and its characters belong to Bioware, and I am just playing with their wonderful toys and gaining writing xp. Thanks as always to Sia and Arquen - whose Garrus POV of this scene from our role-playing blogs is presented here with only minor tweaks. 
> 
> More updates as I can - the next 3 weeks are going to be busy. Thank you SO MUCH for all the kudos and your feedback!

_I’m dying to catch my breath_

_Oh why don’t I ever learn?_

_I’ve lost all my trust,_

_Though I’ve surely tried to turn it around._

 

_\-- All I Need, Within Temptation_

* * *

Karin knew the mission to Alchera was going to be difficult emotionally, if not physically. She did feel like she’d gotten a little bit of closure, and could provide that to her crew’s families. But it wasn’t enough. Alchera and Horizon were both catching up to her. Sorrow and doubt had begun to tighten their grip on her mind and heart again. She felt like she would go mad if she didn’t get this sorrow, or brooding, or whatever, out of her system.

She’d discharged her duties. Joker had a course for some promising resource scanning, and she could count on Miranda or Jacob to keep tabs on that. No one would miss her for a few hours and retreating to her quarters wasn’t unusual post-mission. She managed to keep her ‘game’ face on until the doors of her quarters  _swished_  shut behind her. She dropped pieces of her armor by the entryway as she usually did, but instead of going straight to her desk or to the shower, she sat down heavily on the couch and stared at the bubbles dancing in the otherwise empty fish tank. 

She couldn’t stop coming back to Kaidan’s words on Horizon. Manipulation. Betrayal.

_The chance that I really might not be the Karin Shepard some people think I am._

 The Illusive Man had already proven that he was manipulating her when he confirmed that he’d leaked intel to the Alliance about the next Collector attack. Miranda had said she wanted to install a control chip during the Lazarus Project. 

_Can I really trust that there isn’t one? Or that I’m not just some very sophisticated VI or AI under shakles like EDI?_

She got up and checked her face in the bathroom mirror. Her scars had mostly faded, but there were still very faint, thin lines of orange under the skin. Karin stripped off her bodysuit liner and noted other places where very faint orange lines could still be seen under her skin. She started the shower and managed a quick wash, trying not to dwell too long on the fading patterns.

 _At least they_ are _fading._

Shepard changed into a set of BDUs and tried to relax, but her restless mind still wouldn’t allow it. She should have been exhausted and very hungry, but she wasn’t. She was also getting very tired of staring at the walls of her quarters.

_I need to be able to relax in here. Clearly that’s not working right now._

Karin went through a mental inventory of which parts of the ship were assigned, and to whom. And then, she had an idea. 

“EDI, please override the lock on the starboard observation lounge.”

“Commander Shepard, the starboard observation lounge is not currently configured for use. It was delayed so that  _Normandy_  could launch on time.” Did the AI sound a little…puzzled, or was she imagining it? Shepard sighed.

“Comfort’s not the point, EDI. I just need somewhere that isn’t my quarters and that isn’t occupied for a little while.”

“Very well, Shepard. The starboard observation lounge is unlocked and available when you want it.”

Karin shook out her still-damp hair and headed for the lift. Maybe literally staring into space would help, if nothing else did. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Garrus’s mind was still struggling to process everything they had seen on Horizon and on Alchera.

 _I’ve been contemplating my own mortality quite a bit lately. Can’t_ imagine _why._

 He always knew they would face the Collectors sooner or later, but to actually see them, fight them. The whole “suicide” part of the mission suddenly became very real. They were, after all, planning to go right into the Omega 4 relay. The heart of where these things lived.

He shook his head. It wasn’t worry, exactly, or even fear that he was feeling. He kept glancing at Shepard during the ride back from Alchera. He couldn’t shake the image of her face when he’d found her in the snow. He couldn’t stop thinking about how angry he had gotten when Kaidan had so blatantly hurt her.

Even when his entire team had been killed, even when he swore revenge upon Sidonis, it had been a different kind of anger. It bothered him more than he was willing to admit. Shepard could take care of herself, he knew, but this whole set of circumstances changed the rules on her. First the Council, then Anderson, and now Kaidan too? All questioning her, treating her as if… what? As if she wasn’t her? He couldn’t accept that, not after working with her for so long. He couldn’t let her go through all of that alone.  No, it even went beyond that. She wasn’t just his commanding officer. She was... dammit, she was _Shepard_ , and nothing she had done so far convinced him otherwise.

_They tried to kill you, Shepard. They failed. It’s as simple as that._

There was an old turian teaching about owning your decisions, no matter what they were.

 _You live with the consequences and you move on_.

He wasn’t exactly much for turian traditions, but that one stuck. Still, it didn’t make things right. It didn’t bring your team – _mine or hers -_ back from the dead. It didn’t bring comfort to Shepard when all the people she had learned to trust were so willing to condemn her. The galaxy was lucky to have someone willing to do the things she did. After facing the Collectors head on he was more certain of that than he had ever been.

Garrus remembered Shepard’s mood when they returned from Horizon, just before her debriefing with the Illusive Man. He also remembered what happened afterward. He was passing through the armory, about to retreat back to the main battery, when she had rushed out of the ‘comm room with fire in her eyes, and anger screaming from her every movement.

 _The whole damn thing seemed too easy_.

Finding the information on the Collectors ahead of time, and Kaidan  _happened_  to be stationed there “investigating” reports on Shepard and the Collectors as well. The detective in him couldn’t let it go, but a part of him was glad that the Illusive Man had finally tipped his hand. Vakarian knew the situation had been too convenient – but he hadn’t had time to discuss it with Shepard when they got back. She’d been far too wrapped up in what happened on that damn colony to really talk at that time.

And, in typical Shepard fashion, she’d obtained enough data and information for the mission to benefit tremendously. They had a better idea what they were up against, he could tell the crew seemed a bit more focused, and everyone was working just a little bit harder to find improvements for the _Normandy_ herself. In short, there had been benefit from the mission even if Shepard thought it had been just short of a disaster.

 “Now we just have to live through a suicide mission. Simple, right?” He chuckled to himself as he entered the main battery.

The usual hum from the guns didn’t seem to help him focus. His calibrations were distracting more than intriguing. He finally settled on trying to catch up on his messages, transferring them to his datapad, and taking up residence in his usual spot.

He hadn’t gotten very far when something caught his eye. He had almost forgotten he had left it there. From under the bench he pulled out the small glimmering object from the box he had placed it in.

Shepard’s Star of Terra.

He turned it over in his hand, rubbing a bit of dirt off as he passed a finger over the still-visible letters of the inscription. VALOR. He suddenly made up his mind. It might be the closure Shepard needed. There was no point in waiting for a perfect moment. Not aboard _this_ ship. He just hoped it would somehow make a difference.

He tucked the medal into a pocket and headed for the door before remembering that he didn’t actually know where Shepard had gone.

“EDI, let Shepard know I need to talk with her.” He said as the AI manifested itself on the console in front of him.

“Commander Shepard has requested to defer all messages at this time. Any noncompliance will result in penalty of physical violence, I might add.” EDI’s voice almost sounded sarcastic, but such things weren’t possible.

He raised a brow arch. “Penalty of physical violence?”

“I believe her exact words were ‘ _please_  kill the feeds to the observation lounge, or I’ll physically burn them out.’” Came EDI’s retort.

“Now  _that_  almost sounded like a joke.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Except the mood Shepard was in.. I believe you.” He sighed. “Forget it.”

“Logging you out, Officer Vakarian.” EDI’s voice drifted as the holograph disappeared.

He was about to turn back when he heard the familiar and harsh voice of Miranda.

“Vakarian, did you know about this?” She stopped in front of him, placing a hand on her hip.

“I’m afraid you will have to be a bit more specific.” He flared his mandibles slightly, raising a brow arch.

“I know Shepard doesn’t approve of Cerberus protocols, but she can’t just override lockouts without consulting me first.” Her icy blue eyes were staring him down, searching for something.

“I see, and you think because Shepard bypassed Cerberus lockouts she obviously would have included me in her dastardly plan?” He chuckled.

“Something like that.” She snapped back, unamused. “So, tell me. Why did Shepard authorize the use of the starboard observation lounge when it is not fully operational? We had a deal. This is still a Cerberus vessel, and decisions regarding opening undeveloped areas should at least be run by me first.” Miranda sounded more annoyed than angry.

If he didn’t know better, he would think she was more upset about being left out than anything. Still, he was a little worried. Shepard didn’t exactly give a damn about Cerberus lockouts, but she wouldn’t do something like that without a reason.

Miranda apparently picked up on his confused expression.

“Fine. You didn’t know either. I should have expected as much.” She sighed. “She may be the Commander, but she still needs to at least pretend to follow protocols. That goes for you too. If you won’t remind her of that then I will.” She turned abruptly, heading toward the starboard observation door.

“I’ll talk to her. No offense, Miranda, but the last thing she probably wants to hear is another lecture. Even though I know you are so good at them.” He did his best to keep his tone light.

 “There’s a lot to do. I’ll leave this matter to you, then. This time.” She gave him a dangerous half smile and then walked off mumbling something about EDI and control overrides as she headed back to her office.

He approached the door to the starboard observation, hesitating slightly. Perhaps she wanted to be alone? He could always pass it off as saving her from Miranda’s wrath, but still.

The door slid open. He must have triggered it, somehow. Shepard was standing with her arms folded, staring into the port window. She turned toward the door, the fire in her eyes was gone, and she gave him a small smile. He took that as a good sign and stepped on into the lounge.

“I ran into Miranda. She was more pleasant than usual. I told her I’d set you straight, because you know how big I am on protocols.” He flared his mandibles slightly, and hoped she wouldn’t throw him out right there. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Karin hadn’t really been expecting the door to open. She probably should have; if nothing else, someone probably noticed the change on the door’s panel from red to green. At least her ‘visitor’ was Garrus. Shepard wasn’t particularly interested in dealing with Miranda right now. She smiled slightly in relief. 

“Ran into Miranda. She was more pleasant than usual. I told her I’d set you straight, because you know how big I am on protocols.” Garrus’s comment caught her completely off-guard, and she chuckled before she could stop herself. Garrus flared his mandibles slightly, but he hesitated at the doorway.   She motioned him in so that the door would close, and when it did, she locked it again. 

“How’s  _that_  for a role reversal?  _You_  get sent to lecture  _me_  about protocols when the sender’s pretty sure I’ll just ignore them anyway?” She rolled her eyes for dramatic effect. “You’re  _such_  a bad influence, Vakarian.” The good-natured smirk she gave him didn’t last, though. Karin leaned against the window and sighed. 

“I actually didn’t think anyone would notice, given the time. Guess I was wrong about that.” Suddenly unable to meet his gaze, Karin turned her eyes back to the window. “Seems like I’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

She was silent a moment as she stared out the window into the blackness of space, but then she continued.

“As weird as it may sound, just staring out into space doesn’t bother me, even after what happened at Alchera. I - grew up looking out windows like this into space. It’s just…one of the constants in my life. I thought…” Her shoulders slumped. “…hell, I don’t know what I thought.”

 _I have to sound like a blithering idiot or a mad woman. Hard to decide which._ To cover the hesitation, she sat down on the floor before the window, and motioned her friend to join her. It took her a moment to even decide where she was going with this.

“It’s sinking in just how crazy I have to be sounding. It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that over two years have passed since the first  _Normandy_  got attacked by the Collectors. To me, it feels like weeks.” 

“You saw…you saw my helmet on Alchera. I think we can agree that there’s no possible way I could have survived that re-entry. So, I  _did_  die, at least as far as I know. I still remember - well, I remember what I think was dying, that’s for certain.” She shivered, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Or, Commander Shepard did, at least. I’m not sure what that makes me. I don’t know if - I’m just something that’s programmed to think it’s me and act like me.” 

 _Damn it. I DO sound like a fucking loon._  Karin felt her courage fail her. She couldn’t meet Garrus’s gaze now, or even really look at him. She settled for staring at her hands, running the tips of her fingers across each other.

“There’s a very good chance that Anderson and Kaidan are right. I’m so compromised right now that I’m not even sure I  _am_  Commander Shepard anymore. For all I know, I could be some AI that’s programmed to act like Cerberus thinks Commander Shepard would act.” 

Karin sighed, gritted her teeth, and rested her head on her knees as her heart sank. She half expected Garrus to get up and back slowly away from the crazy woman.

 _Hell, it’s the logical thing to do. Nice going, Karin. You just cost yourself one of the only two people who has accepted you since all this bullshit started._  

 

 

 

* * *

 

Garrus didn’t know what he had expected to find when the doors opened. It certainly wasn’t this.

He listened intently while Shepard spoke, taking a seat next to her, watching her movements. Where there was always confidence and certainty, now seemed to be only hesitation and defeat.

At least he had made her laugh. That alone had seemed worth something.

She couldn’t meet his eyes; she just simply looked at her hands, conflict written on her face.

“There’s a very good chance that Anderson and Kaidan are right. I’m so compromised right now that I’m not even sure I am Commander Shepard anymore. For all I know, I could be some AI that’s programmed to act like Cerberus thinks Commander Shepard would act.” The words were distant, as if they felt foreign when she said them aloud.

He wasn’t sure what to say, and he couldn’t help but be angry that she was even considering these things.

He shook his head and sighed. She winced slightly, and looked up at him finally. He could tell she was expecting him to leave. Instead, he placed a hand on her shoulder. Like she had for him on Omega, like he had for her on Alchera.

“Well, you’ve always been a little crazy, Shepard, but you’re real. The Karin Shepard I knew, and still know, does what she has to. The Collectors may have killed you, but you’re still here, and you haven’t changed.” He tilted his head slightly, relaxing his mandibles and doing his best to reassure her it was the truth.

“I was at the funeral, you know. Your funeral. Nice service by human standards. Talked about how you were a big hero, savior of humanity. Of course nobody said anything about Saren, or Sovereign. Still, they even made a memorial statue in your honor.” He took his arm off her shoulder and placed it at his side, looking off into the window.

“It felt wrong, Shepard. The whole thing.” He shook his head. “Two years, and it always felt wrong. Then when you showed up on that bridge… “He turned his gaze toward her again. “Well, suddenly the odds just got a lot better.”

She was staring at him intently, her green eyes regaining some of the fire that he knew no VI or AI could reproduce.

The silence between them suddenly felt a little awkward. He cleared his throat.

“Besides, you’re not the only one who was brought back to life by Cerberus tech.” He pointed to his still healing implant, a permanent mark of his own. “Of course it’s nothing compared to being spaced, but I try.” He flared his mandibles slightly at her.

She raised an eyebrow at him, a little smile coming to her face again. It didn’t last long, though. She sighed again and stared out into the emptiness of space.

They stared out of the window for a few moments, before he suddenly remembered the whole reason he wanted to talk to Shepard in the first place.

He shifted his weight, drawing the Star of Terra from his pocket. He cupped it in his palm, wondering if there was some protocol humans had for giving things like this.

“Shepard. I found this on Alchera. I… Well, I kept meaning to return it to you. I think now is as good a time as any. I don’t think anyone but the real Commander Shepard could appreciate it.”

He took her hand and placed the glittering gold medal in her small palm. It just might remind her of the fact she was the only human in the damn galaxy who could have accomplished what she had. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

It was odd, sitting there next to Garrus and having him tell her about her own funeral and memorial. Surprisingly, it helped. Maybe she  _wasn’t_  losing it.

 _I do still remember most of my life before -_  

“It felt  _wrong_ , Shepard. The whole thing.” Garrus’s words, and something in his voice, snapped her back to the here and now. “Two years, and it always felt wrong. Then when you showed up on that bridge… Well, suddenly the odds just got a lot better.” He turned back to face her, and there was an intensity in his blue eyes that she’d never seen in the younger, hotheaded turian who’d first joined her crew.

_The same turian whose voice she’d heard right before she blacked out over Alchera._

Karin felt the hairs on her arms stand on end.

She didn’t realize she was staring at him until the silence stretched a little too long. Garrus somewhat awkwardly cleared his throat and pointed out that he could thank Cerberus tech for saving his life as well. She smiled at his comment, better able to appreciate humor now. Then another thought occurred to her.

_We’ve both picked up a few new scars, and not just the visible kind._

**That**  killed her urge to smile, and Karin ended up staring out the window again. At least the silence didn’t feel terribly uncomfortable this time.  After a couple of moments, she started to say something, but stopped when Garrus moved, shifting his weight and pulling something out of his pocket. She raised an eyebrow at him as he turned to face her.

“Shepard. I found this on Alchera. I… Well, I kept meaning to return it to you. I think now is as good a time as any. I don’t think anyone but the real Commander Shepard could appreciate it.”

Before she could react or say anything, he took her hand and placed a piece of flat golden metal in her palm. Part of it was irregular and looked like it had been melted at some point. The surface was pitted in places, marring the finish. On closer examination, though, she made out a very important detail - the still-recognizable word,  _VALOR_  - etched on the face. It was her Star of Terra - her first major decoration, her talisman - something she thought she’d lost forever when the first  _Normandy_  was destroyed. Shepard cupped it in both hands, still not quite believing what she saw. 

“Garrus - how - ” She closed her hand around the medal until the edges bit into the skin on her fingers. For a moment, a flood of memories washed over her - memories that it would have been impossible to reconstruct without being there. 

* * *

 

 “Lieutenant Shepard, stand and be recognized.”

She felt anything but heroic. Proud of what had happened, yes, but standing up here in front of everyone, listening to the cheers, unnerved her somewhat. She was a soldier. A damn good one, as proven by the red stripe on her armor, but all she’d been on Elysium was lucky.

Lucky that the Agincourt crippled the batarians’ air support. Lucky that the wreckage falling on the slavers’ staging area bought time to save civilian lives. Lucky that a few groups of Marines had been there on shore leave who became vital assets in the ground defense. Lucky that she’d been able to reignite some of the fires of the crashed batarian shuttles, forcing the land units down a single wide highway. The batarian commander was a fool to pursue the fleeing civilians, but he’d been unable to resist a major capture of slaves. The highway had been a sniper’s paradise, and she’d held it until reinforcements arrived. Hell, it’d been the easiest thing she DID during the Blitz.

But that was what made the news, what people talked about, what the marines admired, and what supposedly got her the Star of Terra.

_There were a lot of good people on Elysium that day, and a lot of good defenders that bought time with their lives. They deserve this more than I do. Hell, Father died a hero on Mindoir and didn’t get anything like this._

* * *

 

Receiving that commendation, no matter how much she thought she didn’t deserve it, that had been the first time she’d  _really_  realized what one soldier was capable of doing. What  _she_  was capable of doing. From there, everything had changed for her. She’d continued to distinguish herself, continued to  _lead_ , to inspire. 

  _To make it to N7. To **be**  the first human Spectre. To command the most advanced ship in the Alliance and perhaps in Council space. To stop Saren, and give orders that brought down the geth and the seemingly indestructible Sovereign, saved the Council, and obtained the humans’ voice on that same Council. To save over half of her ship’s crew against what she knew now was an enemy that the first Normandy could not have defeated alone._

 The painfrom where the now-jagged edge of the medal bit into her hand brought her back to the present. She loosened her grip and looked atit again. That was when she realized her eyes were moist. She swallowed hard before she looked back up at Garrus. 

“You’re…” Karin’s voice failed her at first. She had to clear her throat before she could say anything else. “You’re right, Garrus. I remember a lot of things associated with this medal that I’m pretty sure Cerberus would have had no way of duplicating.  _Especially_  with the details that I remember.” She hesitated, not sure if she should say more, but then - 

 _Damn it. I **died**  regretting not saying something that needed saying, and to Garrus of all people. I’m not a coward - and I need to quit acting like one. Easier said than done. _She bought herself time by rubbing her eyes slightly and taking a deep breath. 

“I’m not going to pretend that this solves everything, Garrus, but if you were to find one thing that would  _make_  me remember who I am - you may have found it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the mighty Commander Shepard can’t be sentimental.” 

  _Go on…_ that inner voice nagged her again. Karin looked from the medal to the window and back while she regained her courage to not leave anything unsaid.

 “You’re the first person except Joker that’s been  _glad_  to see me, and I think you’re the only person who has accepted that I just might actually still be  _me_. I  _know_  that’s asking a lot when I just show up, and that the whole thing sounds crazy.” She snorted suddenly, struck by the irony of the situation. 

“For that matter, you accepted that I am still me when *I*’m still not convinced. Still, I’m a lot more convinced  _now_  than I was when we got back from Horizon.”

 And yet, she still wasn’t done. Karin shifted, suddenly wondering if she was about to say too much. She rubbed the back of her neck without even realizing she’d made the nervous gesture.

  _Better to say it now while we’re on the subject. Garrus is the best friend I’ve ever had, and he deserves to hear this._

 “You…”  _God this is hard._ “You said that my death felt wrong. It’s pretty clear you’ve been thinking about me since - what happened.  I may have been out of it for a couple of years, but I still remember something I should have said back then.”

  _He doesn’t need to know the details._ She cleared her throat. 

 “In case it was in any way unclear, when you left  _Normandy_  to go back for Spectre training, I was  _really_ happy for you. Not that you were leaving, but that you were going back to do what  _you_  wanted to do and for the right reasons. And that I might have influenced that. It…meant a  _lot_  to me to hear you say that.”

 Her nerve started to fail her - this was going to get awkward. She couldn’t make herself say the next part. So, she diverted into something else she needed to say instead.

 “I had no idea that you were Archangel. But finding out that you were was the best thing that’s happened for me in a long time. About two years to be exact. I’m just sorry I didn’t make it there sooner.”

  _Damn it. I’m babbling. Nice job._

 “So…thank you. For everything.” 

 Karin found herself thinking that if Garrus had been human, she’d have hugged him.

  _Oh to hell with it!_

 She hugged him anyway. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Shepard’s reaction was more than he had anticipated. He had suspected she would be appreciative, but he didn’t expect her to be so moved. Swept up in her memories, he watched that familiar spark return to her eyes. Knowing the things only Karin Shepard could.

“I’m not going to pretend that this solves everything, Garrus, but if you were to find one thing that would make me remember who I am - you may have found it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the mighty Commander Shepard can’t be sentimental.”

He raised a brow arch at that. It had taken her a moment to gather her thoughts, and again she surprised him. He made a soft chuckle at the comment. No, he hadn’t pegged the Commander for being sentimental. Though he was beginning to see a lot more in Commander Shepard than he ever had before.

_I suppose dying can bring that out in people._

“You’re the first person except Joker that’s been glad to see me, and I think you’re the only person who has accepted that I just might actually still be me. I know that’s asking a lot when I just show up, and that the whole thing sounds crazy.” She continued, making a snorting sound that seemed to catch even her off guard.

In truth he hadn’t seen any evidence that she wasn’t Commander Shepard. He simply thought she deserved the benefit of the doubt. Dead or not, when she had shown up on that bridge, the last thing on his mind was suspicion. Disbelief, maybe, but she continued to prove herself over and over again. It was just… right.

“For that matter, you accepted that I am still me when *I*’m still not convinced. Still, I’m a lot more convinced now than I was when we got back from Horizon.”

Her tone was becoming more rushed. Something he noticed she did when nervous about something, or over-thinking a situation. Since they had been talking more, he had been picking up on these little nuances he hadn’t thought to notice before.

Then her tone changed.

“You…” She stuttered, taking a breath and starting over. “You said that my death felt wrong. It’s pretty clear you’ve been thinking about me since - what happened.  I may have been out of it for a couple of years, but I still remember something I should have said back then.”

He raised a brow arch, a genuine curiosity flooding him.

“In case it was in any way unclear, when you left Normandy to go back for Spectre training, I was really happy for you. Not that you were leaving, but that you were going back to do what you wanted to do and for the right reasons. And that I might have influenced that. It…meant a lot to me to hear you say that.”

Shepard was many things, but he had never known her to be hesitant about speaking her mind. Yet, she hesitated. He let what she said sink in slightly, but she was clearly struggling with whether or not to tell him more.

“I had no idea that you were Archangel. But finding out that you were was the best thing that’s happened for me in a long time. About two years to be exact. I’m just sorry I didn’t make it there sooner.”

He flared his mandibles slightly at her. He wanted to say something along the lines of “ _Yeah, I wish that too,”_  but the way she said it stopped him. As if she wasn’t quite saying everything. He realized, though, that her finding him as Archangel was one of the best things that ever happened for him, too.  

 “So…thank you. For everything.”

He blinked, not quite sure how to respond. Commander Shepard was thanking him. He wasn’t even sure what he deserved thanks for. She had explained it, but …

Then she did something he never in a millennia would have guessed Commander Shepard would ever do.

She hugged him. So simple. So human. So not like the military leader, the decisive Commander. It wasn’t like turians didn’t show affection, just… not…

He put his arm around her shoulder. It was a bit awkward, but it didn’t feel wrong. Her human frame seemed so small compared to his. A part of him screamed that this was crazy…

“Is this the protocol for returning lost medals?” He managed a chuckle, as they pulled away from each other.

He cleared his throat, trying to think of something to say that would be more… appropriate. She had shown so much trust and confidence in him. Even back then she never doubted him becoming a Spectre.

“I should be thanking you, Shepard. Not the other way around.” He rubbed his hands together idly, taking a breath.

“I wasn’t cut out for Spectre training. I wasn’t cut out for anything that had so much bureaucratic crap attached to it. Following orders without question was never my strong quality. It’s why I left C-Sec in the first place. I wanted to find Saren my own way, without having to answer to those fools. Though as Archangel… well, that didn’t go so well either. Not exactly a stellar record, especially for a turian. Still, you always believed in me Shepard.” He looked down, a pang of guilt pulsating through him at the thought of his team. He choked it out, moving on.

“The least I could do was believe in you… I never stopped believing in you, Shepard.” It was perhaps more than he meant to say, but there it was.

“Besides,” he flared his mandibles slightly at her, “there isn’t anyone in the galaxy better suited to kick the Collector’s ass than you. So it’s a damn good thing they brought you back to do it.”

She smiled at that, and for a moment he was glad he could at least not fail to make her smile.

“Whatever happens, Shepard, I’m with you. I have been since the beginning, and we’ve had one hell of a run so far.” He gave her a brief nod, but he hoped she knew how sincere he was.

He needed to process this, and his mind was racing trying to sort through all that was said. He motioned to take his leave, but paused at the doorway. Not wanting to just end things like that.

“Thanks Shepard, for everything.” He echoed the same words back to her, and that was that. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

“Whatever happens, Shepard, I’m with you. I have been since the beginning, and we’ve had one hell of a run so far.” Garrus nodded, the sincerity plain in his eyes. Karin wasn’t particularly good at reading turians, but this  _particular_  turian she knew well enough to see it.

When Garrus reached the door, he turned for one last comment. He echoed her words back to her, which caused another odd and tangled flash of emotions.

“Thanks, Shepard, for everything.” All Karin could do was smile at him. She couldn’t frame an appropriate response before the door swished back shut, leaving her alone in the observation lounge.

 Her mind was racing to comprehend what had just happened after Garrus had given the medal back to her, never mind what had happened since.  She looked back down at it, nestled in her palm, running her thumb back over the inscription.

_All right, Karin, just what exactly happened there?_

Hugging Garrus had been an impulse, one she would have been better off ignoring. Something had just felt  _right_  about it, though.  And from what he’d had to say afterward was any indication, it wasn’t like Garrus really seemed to object. One thing was certain; he evidently knew her far better than she’d given him credit for. She’d take it, especially since she was, as they used to say in N school, up to her ass in alligators.

 _So was he, on Omega, for that matter._   _We might not have had a lot in common at first, but we sure as hell do now._

Shepard contented herself with staring out into space again, literally, for another few minutes before the emotional exhaustion from today really started to settle in.  She made sure to have EDI re-seal the observation lounge again before she headed for her quarters.  


	12. Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, teambuilding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  __ **Author’s Note:** I am so sorry for the long delay. I promise I haven’t abandoned this fic! This chapter got rewritten completely no less than four times before it first went to beta, and twice after. I don’t know why it was so rough, but it was. That and life got frenetic for a bit. Graduating and getting a new job will do that.
> 
> Anyway, much love as always to my betas, particularly Sia, for their patience. Also, shout-out to LadyAmesIndy for her suggestions and commentary while I whined and moaned about this chapter via email. <3

**Chapter 12: Sisters and Memories**

“That will be _all_ , Operative Taylor,” Shepard said coolly.

It obviously got the former Alliance soldier's attention – his salute was prompt and crisp as it ever had been.  Unfortunately, Tali made a mistake of her own and shot Karin a triumphant look. Karin assumed a parade rest and regarded Tali with her best poker face.

“That goes for you as well, Tali’Zorah vas Neema.”

Tali’s stiff back and posture suggested anger and disappointment as the quarian turned to go. Karin schooled her face into careful neutrality. She managed to wait until the door slid shut behind them and she was alone in the briefing room before she broke her stance and sighed.She was fairly certain she hated Cerberus as much as Tali did, but if she was going to have a cohesive team, she had to nip unprofessional crap like this in the bud. On both sides. She also had to make sure she herself wasn’t indulging in it in fits of weakness. She still hated Cerberus, make no mistake, but there would be an opportunity to act on that hatred. Now wasn’t that time. Commander-fucking-Shepard had her work cut out for her.

_Never ask your team to do what you aren’t willing to do yourself._

She did take a moment to talk with each of the ground squad individually as often as she could, getting to know them all, particularly the newest members, a little better and trying to identify any compromised states, she thought as she walked slowly through the CIC, glancing over crewmembers’ shoulders to get a feel for monitors and read-outs. Karin was relieved that she didn’t find any overt problems in her discussions with them in the first couple of days

 _Maybe they just needed to warm up to me.  After all, I’m as much an unknown quantity to them, too._  

The crew in general seemed to be settled in well, so Karin gave Chambers the responsibility of monitoring the non-squad crew. Not that Shepard herself wasn’t keeping her ears peeled in the mess and the CIC, but the crew did seem to trust Kelly for the most part, and Karin was going to have to delegate something to her yeoman sooner or later.

 _I genuinely want to like Chambers, but then, she’s trained to seem trustworthy. She’s going to have to prove it isn’t_ just _training._

Joker was reasonably settled in, and except for some irritable wisecracking and minor sabotage of EDI’s bridge cameras, his performance was more than acceptable. He also served as Karin’s more unfiltered observer, pointing out how he felt about the squad in his own unique way. The pilot was glad to see Tali, and Karin was hard-put to keep a straight face when Joker commented on Garrus.

“Garrus seems to have worked that stick out of his butt, but now he’s trying to beat guys to death with it. I can’t believe I liked the old Garrus better,” Joker observed with an eye roll. Karin bit the inside of her lip to keep from laughing – she’d never get _that_ image out of her head - before a more serious thought stopped her.

 _He’s been_ through _a lot more than the old Garrus, too. Fighting a losing battle on Omega followed by a nice cold serving of betrayal will beat the idealism out of anyone, probably even me. He wasn’t the only one with a little too much idealism,_ Karin thought bitterly, as she fought down her resentment of the Council. She was still sorting out those thoughts when Kelly stopped her on the way to the lift.

“Miranda would like to speak with you in her office,” the yeoman said calmly. “She said it was important. You also have new messages at your private terminal.” Karin nodded her thanks to Chambers and glanced at her terminal on the way to the lift.

_Interesting. So The Illusive Man has decided to work with Liara on something despite her Shadow Broker connections – or maybe because of them. That’s good, actually, in that it gives me an excuse to go see her and to do some intel gathering on Illium. We need another port besides Omega and that would do nicely._

Everything else on the terminal could pretty much wait, so Karin decided that Miranda was next on her rounds. Her immediate response was rewarded with a surprisingly personal revelation from her XO – that Miranda had a twin sister that she was protecting. Karin gently probed at that some more, and got a great deal of insight into Miranda when the brunette described her father.

“I do have some good news, then, Miranda,” she explained. “We have some new business on Illium anyway, so we can get to this sooner rather than later.” Lawson shot her a look of relief before the cool, competent mask settled back into place.

“Thank you, Shepard. That means a great deal to me.”

 _If I can believe everything I’m told, I owe you my existence, such as it is. Really, if this helps me understand you a bit better, doing this helps us both._ Shepard needed to trust Miranda just as much as Miranda had to trust _her_. The two top-ranked people on the ship were stuck with each other, and they both had considerable abilities. They were stronger together, or would be, if they could sort out their differences.

* * *

 Garrus had never been to Illium, but he’d heard some vague details. Like the various fees in the docks if you didn’t know the right people. When an asari, escorted by several Loki mechs, approached them near the Normandy’s dock, he was more than a little ready to fight his way out of there. However, the asari’s evident purpose was to inform Shepard that the Normandy’s docking fees had been paid for by Liara T’Soni. The scientist’s name caught his attention. The last time he’d seen her, she’d been trying and failing to cope at Karin’s funeral. 

_The memory came to his mind unbidden and unwelcome. The memory of getting called aside by Chellak. Admiral Anderson’s exhausted face as he relayed the news. A walk home that he didn’t even remember._

_A funeral he couldn’t forget. Especially when he got there, and amidst all the familiar faces, one was conspicuously absent. Or - he looked toward the podium and one casket surrounded by flowers - the face wasn’t absent after all.  Instead, Shepard was present only in a carefully placed holo-frame placed on the closed half of the coffin. The image was an unforgettable one that ran in all the news feeds after Saren and Sovereign were defeated. It showed Shepard in her newly cleaned armor against a backdrop of the Citadel, her green eyes bright, her chin slightly lifted, looking both challenging and triumphant. It was as staged as all hell - but it_ worked _. He felt a cold feeling settle in under his carapace. It seemed so_ final.

_Even Wrex had been stunned, although his anger was far less of a surprise. Tali, Kaidan, Joker, Karin Chakwas, and Liara had already formed a tight little knot together - not really surprising considering they’d been on the Normandy when she was attacked. When he approached, they let him into the small circle. No one said anything. No one needed to. Kaidan looked agonized. Liara closed in with the human and circled his waist with her arm. Her blue eyes were shaded and swollen from crying, although her eyes were currently dry._

_The only other time he thought of Liara that day was when she got up and_ left _near the end of the service. She’d brushed past him, and the sense he’d gotten was that she just couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t blame her, really._

_Weeks later, he’d abandoned his post, taken Karin’s intended new rifle, and booked passage to Omega._

Garrus shivered and banished the memory. He had a sudden need to glance sideways to remind himself that Shepard was still there. He tried to cover the loss of focus by pretending to take in the view.

Miranda surprised him by giving the asari credit for what a cultural marvel Illium was. Apparently she surprised Shepard too, because the Commander gave her a vaguely surprised look. Lawson stepped away from the vista for a moment and surveyed the trading floor. Garrus stepped in behind Karin and pretended to take in the view. He was careful to keep his expression neutral.

“We were always told at C-Sec that Illium was one of the safest places in the galaxy,” he warned quietly, “until you fell off the grid. Sign the wrong contract, join up with the wrong company, or walk down the wrong alley, and it’s as dangerous here as anywhere else. Don’t let this place fool you, Shepard. Nos Astra is no safer than Omega.”

“Noted,” Karin commented, glancing back over her shoulder at him. “So you’re telling me those scars aren’t a disadvantage here either, hmm?”

 _What?_ Karin must have been getting better at reading turian expressions, because she chuckled and elaborated.

“Those scars scream ‘don’t fuck with me’, big guy, and so does that armor. You look like someone who’s too stubborn to die.”

Garrus half-chuckled and passed one hand over his scarred mandible as Miranda motioned for them. “Remember, it’s krogan that go for scars, not asari, and I don’t see any of _those_ on the trading floor,” he quipped quietly. Karin rolled her eyes dramatically and peered at him until he flicked his mandibles amusedly at her. Shaking her head, she rejoined Miranda. Lawson didn’t look pleased.

“So, what’s the situation?” she asked the dark-haired woman.

“Eternity is this way, Shepard. Lanteia wasn’t exactly descriptive in her message, but given who we’re dealing with, I’m glad she didn’t risk any more details.”

 _Given who we’re dealing with?_ That made him even more suspicious. _I wonder just how much information Miranda shared, or didn’t share, with Shepard._ He carefully watched them for a tail or for any sign they were walking into an ambush as they headed toward the nightclub.  They hit their first snag right after meeting up with Lawson’s contact. Garrus failed to be shocked when the word ‘complication’ was one of the first words out of Lanteia’s mouth. It turned out that the mission Miranda had convinced Karin to take on had them taking on her father.  Shepard appeared to take that in stride, so he guessed she had known. But then, he’d also lost more than a few credits in Skyllian Five to her, thanks to that neutral expression. Garrus kept an eye on the club, but continued to listen as the asari warned Miranda that her father was bringing in mercs, and that someone named Niket had offered to move Oriana instead. She turned to Lawson and asked about him, but Miranda appeared to trust him. For now, at least.

“Tell me about the mercs, Lanteia,” Shepard prompted. Garrus felt his gut tighten at the mention of Eclipse, particularly Eclipse hired by “an organization Ms. Lawson warned us about.”

Karin was definitely displeased when they left the meeting. If he was reading her correctly, she was trying to determine the magnitude of mess they were about to walk into. Still, Karin made Miranda make the call. Garrus wasn’t sure how he felt about leaving the decision up to the Cerberus operative, but it _was_ her sister’s life on the line?

 _What would I do if this were Solana, and it was her life on the line?_ The thought prompted a very uncomfortable chill even for him.

 _It’s probably better to_ not _think about that._

Miranda detailed her plan, which included volunteering herself and the squad to distract the Eclipse at the cargo terminal and cover for Niket. Garrus had to give them woman credit for that - it was what he would have wanted had Solana been in Oriana’s place. Karin clearly didn’t like the idea, but going along with Miranda’s suggestion was the logical thing to do. Karin was taking a chance on Miranda, but Lawson had a personal investment in _her_ as well – two years of her life’s work apparently, and if anyone appreciated the scope of their mission, it was Miranda. And neither Shepard nor Lawson had gotten where they are by being afraid of risk.

 _The three of us are probably better able to handle a showdown with Eclipse than Oriana’s family._ Garrus shifted his collar and stretched his neck in anticipation. There was still more than enough of Archangel in him to be pleased to take down any mercs he could get in his scope.

“Let’s go.”

As they left, Miranda surprised him again, by thanking Shepard.

“I hadn’t planned on Eclipse. But then, they never planned on _you_.”

He noticed that the commander took a sideways glance at him before flexing her neck and cracking her knuckles.

“You’re damn right they never planned on me.” Karin’s voice was so low it was almost a growl. It sounded oddly threatening coming from a species that couldn’t truly reproduce the sound. Or maybe it was because it came from _her_ \- what was the human saying?

 _Demons run when a good man goes to war._ Something like that.

Things started to go south from the beginning. Eclipse gunships were moving troops into position even as they reached the original rendezvous point. The mercs opened fire as soon as they saw the sky car, and Miranda had her work cut out for her bringing them down mostly intact. The attack stopped almost immediately, so maybe the Eclipse weren’t _just_ shooting first and asking questions later. Miranda and Karin opened their doors at the same time and strode toward the apparent leader, whose shimmering tech armor field identified him immediately. Karin pretended to ignore the engines of the departing gunships, but he knew how situationally aware the commander was. Shepard had a heavy weapon this time, and a missile launcher was a much better equalizer for gunships than snipers, no matter _how_ good they were. Garrus himself was concerned about the amount of potential cover and ambushes, and they had _no_ idea how many troops Eclipse had managed to move in.  He busied himself on threat assessment, having more ability to focus than Karin did. A merc lieutenant confronted them almost immediately, and he was going to require Shepard’s full attention. Things rapidly got heated. Garrus made a mental note about the merc’s surprising comment about Miranda being “the bitch that stole our boss’s little girl.”

He assumed Miranda had failed to mention that detail to Karin; Shepard did glance pointedly at Lawson, but Miranda’s frustrated “it’s complicated,” comment would have to suffice for now. The leading merc couldn’t help gloating some more, taunting the squad with how his team had been lining up shots the whole time. Karin obviously saw a couple of salarian troops shifting position over Lt. Gloat’s shoulder, and didn’t give him time to finish whatever his next verbal salvo was. For the first time Garrus could remember, she and Miranda moved as one. Lawson pulled her pistol and fired at the shifting mercs, and Karin reached out and grappled with Lt. Gloat, pulling him off balance and toward her. As he stumbled and nearly fell, Shepard slipped a hand around to his jaw and forced his neck to turn in a completely unnatural direction for his species. She casually dropped him once his body went limp. Then, she glanced up. Garrus followed her line of sight to a fuel tank that was suspended over where the salarians had ducked into cover.

 _Well – I know what I’d do -_  

Shepard didn’t give him time, though. She aimed her Carnifex and fired two shots with predictable consequences – the tanks exploded and rained flaming debris down on the salarian Eclipse members who were in cover beneath them. Two more mercs left flaming trails as they went flying. Garrus used their moment of shocked surprise to line up a quick shot on a Heavy that had been getting ready to fire a missile at them. It was a perfect head shot.

“Scratch one!” he crowed. Karin switched weapons, and Garrus quickly reset the tally he kept via his visor.  As Shepard had said herself, the game was afoot.

The three of them made quick work of the mercs that had been dropped in, and they made it to the elevator quickly. Karin quizzed Miranda about the layout of the facility, and Miranda didn’t disappoint. Lawson also volunteered some of the information she’d withheld earlier, and, surprisingly, apologized for not trusting Shepard sooner. Miranda’s own pain was obvious. Karin couldn’t fault her, assuming Lawson’s description of her father was accurate. Since Miranda had clarified everything else, Shepard appeared to take her XO at her word for the time being. Besides, Garrus was far more concerned that this Niket was going to prove to be a problem and how Miranda would react if he was. Her frustration – and worry – were clearly mounting. When she slammed her hand onto the elevator’s haptic interface in an attempt to make it go faster, Karin voiced the subject herself. Miranda responded surprisingly well to that – almost as if she welcomed the support.

 _Being in command isolates. You know that perfectly well, Vakarian._ Given his recent conversation with Karin, he knew she was also aware of that fact. That moment of clarity was one that Shepard was going to need, particularly if Miranda was ever going to be effective on her team. 

Conversation halted as the elevator door slid open. A transit clerk was apparently trying to explain a booking SNAFU to a male human. Garrus knew the tone of voice that went along with that, at least. None of them heard all of the words exchanged, but as soon as the elevator door opened, the man and the two asari all turned to face Shepard’s squad. Garrus was willing to guess the man was Niket. Sitting on a cargo crate next to him was an asari in Eclipse armor. Karin was willing to guess that was Captain Enyala. Her body language was like that of most asari Karin had seen wear that armor. It was a cross of “I’m better than you” and “Don’t fuck with me, bitch.” The merc captain clearly didn’t consider them much of a threat.

 _Her mistake_. He’d seen _that_ too many times to count.

Niket turned, squinted at them all for a moment, and then locked his eyes on Miranda.

“Miri…” Miranda stepped forward at that same moment, pulling her shotgun and leveling it.

 “Oh, this should be _fun_ ,” Enyala quipped as she practically flowed off of the box and leveled her shotgun. Garrus pulled his assault rifle, and saw the barrel of Karin’s just beyond the frame of his visor. The poor clerk made the mistake of trying to bolt, and Enyala casually gunned her down. Garrus very nearly returned the favor, but held himself in check. This wasn’t his op. Shepard glanced at Garrus and let Miranda continue. Lawson’s voice spoke volumes.

“Why, Niket?”

As Garrus observed the exchange between the two through jaded eyes and the experience of far too many years in C-Sec, ~~,~~ two things became clear. The first was that Miranda had been completely truthful about keeping her ‘rescue’ of Oriana a secret. The second was that Miranda’s father was a master manipulator. Niket raised some valid points about Miranda having a choice to leave versus Oriana’s ‘rescue’. Put that together with how much Miranda had not obviously shared with them and he indulged in lining up a headshot on Enyaya. But he didn’t take it. Yet. ~~e~~.

“How much did it cost Miranda’s father to turn you?” Karin asked coldly, after Niket commented about being poor and not liking it much.  Miranda was clearly starting to accept the situation. And then, Niket made his fatal mistake. He revealed that Mr. Lawson didn’t know about Oriana’s whereabouts at the moment.

“That makes you the only loose end, Niket.” Miranda’s voice was already tinged with regret along with her pain. “I hadn’t wanted it to end this way, but – “ Garrus waited for the shot, ready to take his own.

Shepard had other ideas. She acted quickly, forcing Miranda to bend her arm, breaking the operative’s line of fire.  “Miranda, don’t do this.”

Karin tried to encourage Niket to at least to be a double agent and keep the situation from escalating further. Enyala was more than happy to, though. She casually tried to barb Miranda into reacting. It nearly worked on Garrus: it definitely made his trigger finger itch. Karin shifted her next to him, and he knew she was thinking the same thing.

“I never want to see you again, Niket -” Miranda’s fury was raw, but it was definitely healthier than the sorrow in her voice a moment earlier.

The report of a gunshot stopped all of them. Niket groaned and fell, lifeless, as Enyala shot him in the back.  “Done,” the merc captain said, with no more concern than if she had killed an insect. “Now, I have a cargo to deliver.”

Garrus continued to hold his shot. What Miranda did next would be telling.  Miranda’s jaw fell open from shock. At the mention of the ‘cargo’, however, the air crackled around her as a blue field wreathed her.

“You’ll pay for that, bitch!” Garrus found himself staring at Miranda’s display of raw power as she tossed Enyala across the warehouse like a rag doll. Enyala’s backup started firing as soon as Miranda lifted the captain, sending all of them diving for cover. To Miranda’s credit, she continued to work as part of the team, leaving overloads to Garrus and helping Karin set up shots. Scattered fuel containers became impressive kill tally numbers for both Vakarian and Shepard, and a burning nightmare for the mercs. Eventually, all had fallen except Enyala. Garrus whittled her barriers down with overloads, as Karin switched to disruptor rounds. Both of them held off when Enyala staggered and went to one knee. If Shepard was willing to wait to see what Miranda did, he was willing to give Lawson a chance to do something.

Miranda, to her credit, made Enyala’s death quick. 

_I approve. Not that you really want my approval in this case, but…well, if it was my sister..._

“Let’s sweep back through the cargo terminal and make sure the Eclipse buggered off,” Karin suggested after a brief pause to catch their breaths. The proposed sweep brought them back around to the main elevator.

“I can’t believe Niket sold me out,” Miranda said sorrowfully. “I didn’t even see it coming.”

Karin sighed. “Even with all your upgrades, Miranda, you’re still human like the rest of us.”

Miranda turned her back to the wall.  “But I let it get personal and I _screwed up.”_ She raised a hand to her eyes as her voice verged on breaking.  “Why didn’t you let me kill him, Shepard? I could have handled that, but to see him get gunned down by that asari bitch…”

“You’d have regretted it,” Karin said, keeping her voice level and calm. “You still cared about him.”

“You’re right. And my father knew it,” Miranda said bitterly. Lawson still refused to look Karin in the eye. As Miranda revealed more about her past, Shepard just let her. Garrus doubted Karin’s logic on this one – Niket’s betrayal had him more than sympathetic to Miranda’s desire for revenge - and actually made him at least able to relate to Lawson a bit more. 

 ** _I_** _**know** what that’s like. I’m not sure Shepard does. _ He didn't have to feign a sympathetic look when Miranda continued.

“I threw away everything he ever gave me when I ran. Except Niket.” Lawson’s eyes were still bright when she turned her head to look back at Shepard. “A weakness on my part.”

“Miranda, you can’t throw everything away just to be safe,” Karin murmured. Garrus glanced at her.

Miranda took a deep breath, seeming to center herself.  “I’m all right, Shepard. My father hurt me but he didn’t break me. In spite of everything, I’m my own person.” Miranda actually managed a small smile, one Karin returned.

“And your sister is, too,” Karin reminded her XO gently.

“You’re right,” Miranda agreed. “I didn’t take her – I rescued her – but, yes. I still have something. Thank you.”  The look of gratitude from Miranda’s formerly frosty blue eyes was sincere. Whatever barrier might have been between Shepard and Lawson before, it had been broken, or at least cracked.

“I’m glad for you, Miri. I truly am.” Karin took a breath, then decided to ask one last question.  “Is there anyone else out there that your father could use against her.  Or you?” Miranda shook her head.

“No. I cut ties with everyone else when I ran. Everyone I’m close to _now_ works for Cerberus– or, for – you. My father’s powerful, but he won’t cross the Illusive Man.” The elevator stopped, effectively ending the conversation.

 _But will he cross Shepard?_  Garrus was certain he knew the answer to that question. _I won’t bother to be surprised when Miranda’s father becomes another snag._

 “All right, let’s finish this sweep and go check on Oriana since their shuttle got delayed,” Shepard said over her shoulder as she left the elevator. Once they finished the sweep and returned to the terminal, Karin quietly hunted Oriana down through her omni-tool codes before Miranda and Garrus met back up with her.

“Looks like we’re clear,” Miranda said, her relief obvious. Then, she looked past Karin and sucked in a breath.

“There she is. She’s _safe_ ,” Miranda’s voice was surprisingly soft. “With her family.” She stared for a moment, then looked away. “We should go.”

Predictably, Shepard suggested that Miranda go and see her sister. Garrus understood, even as he hoped that wouldn’t return to bite any of them, including Miranda and her sister, in the ass. Still, there were a few things that would never stop surprising Garrus Vakarian, even as jaded as he’d gotten. One of them was Commander Shepard’s capability of getting through to people. As Karin spoke with Miranda and encouraged her to go see her sister, the turian shook his head.

 _Now you’ve got a high-ranked Cerberus operative ready to follow you into hell,_ he mused. He got another surprise when Miranda’s eyes brightened with unshed tears before she walked over to her sister. He glanced at Karin when she walked back to meet him.

“Give her some space,” Karin motioned with her chin toward Miranda. Shepard continued past him, retreating to the edge of the trade floor, He backed up toward the same wall, keeping an eye on Miranda and her sister’s family. Karin was doing likewise, although for once her hands were well away from her weapons. As they waited for Lawson, Garrus reflected. Satisfaction made the center of his gullet warm. It was good to see Shepard in action again. _Really_ good. He’d almost forgotten how lethal she was in close range, never mind with a rifle. However, there had been an edge that he hadn’t seen from her before. She'd used to rely on raw charisma and negotiating skill to salvage seemingly hopeless situations. Not this time. As soon as Enyala's captain started to threaten them, Shepard had gone to bare-handed lethal force. 

He applauded her efficiency - dithering with mercs tended to cost lives - but Karin didn't even try to smooth that situation over. She'd gone straight for the bare-handed kill. 

Whether or not that change worried him or not, he couldn't decide.

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Shifting Decks, Shifting Loyalties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whew! It’s been a while. I’m back to this as I do a pre-Andromeda run of ME2 and ME3. I’m committing to at least finishing this fic. I’m playing ME:A, but I’m certainly not done with Karin and Garrus. I guess they aren’t done with me either - I’ve got plot bunnies coming back everywhere. Also, this chapter is un-Beta'd so if I got something horridly wrong, please constructively let me know.

_On Board the_ Normandy

_Rosetta Nebula_

 

Things had been going remarkably well. Through the dedicated efforts of several crew members and Shepard herself, they had the resources to start upgrading the _Normandy_.

_Between Jacob calling in favors and Garrus’s Thanix cannon schematics, this is starting to show promise. Ken and Gabby are happy with the new FBA couplings, and between them and Tali, we’re running more efficiently than even the design specs suggested._

Now, they just needed dock time and a few more parts. Compared to everything else, that looked remarkably easy to address.

Which meant, of course, the shit was about to hit the fan. Kelly caught Karin on the way to the tech lab workbenches.

“The Illusive Man wishes to speak to you, Commander.”

Stifling an inner grumble, Shepard thanked the yeoman and diverted to the conference room. After Horizon, especially, the thought of dealing with him made her grind her teeth. Forcing herself to consciously drop her professional mask into place helped, but only so much. The QEC conference did nothing to reduce her suspicion.

_Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He’s holding something back again._

After the conference room reverted from QEC configuration, Karin considered her choice of squad carefully. Miranda seemed an obvious choice, on something coming directly from the Illusive Man. Honestly, Shepard was warming to Miranda, and admired her professionalism, but her lack of concern for Cerberus’s – or the Illusive Man’s, for that matter - shadier dealings still bothered Karin.

_She wasn’t on Horizon, and didn’t really seem to consider the possibility he’d set us up. If he’s going to do it again, I want her there. I want it in her face so she can’t ignore it._

As for the other squad member…

_Jack was devastating on Horizon. I’d like to take her, but she and Miranda might just kill each other before the mission has a chance. I don’t trust Zaeed enough yet to take him into an almost certain trap. Grunt, for all his tank imprints, lacks experience. Jacob’s still processing what happened with his father, and I need him here working on those shielding plans anyway. Kasumi’s skills duplicate mine, at least in part, and she relies on being up close. I’d rather we kept our distance if it comes to fighting._

That left Garrus and Tali. Both very capable, but Tali’s skillset was far more specialized.

_I can handle any data collection or hacking we’ll need to do. Tali’s deadly against synthetics, but Garrus is deadly no matter what we’re up against, and more so against organics. Again, assuming we run into anything. Which I assume we will, so I can be pleasantly surprised if it turns out I’m wrong._

Karin decided to brief them on the ship rather than the shuttle, since that trip was likely to be short.

“I’m going to be honest with both of you. I’m a little suspicious, given what happened on Horizon.” She glanced at Garrus. “Neither of you were there when a Collector cruiser destroyed the former _Normandy_ before we could even do much about it other than abandon ship. Garrus, you’re familiar with the former _Normandy._ Would a current turian scout vessel be comparable in terms of firepower?”

Garrus appeared to consider a bit before he answered.

“My information is probably out of date, but I’d say not. Maybe a couple of them together, but they aren’t meant for heavy combat. None of the ones I served on were, anyway.”

“And how many are usually in a typical patrol?”

“It varies.” Garrus shifted his shoulders. “If they weren’t expecting to run into much action, a scout group might be two or three. If they’re expecting much of anything else, or any entirely space-based battles, they’d send something bigger.”

“So, if they were destroyed or badly damaged, we could expect at least a debris field.”

“Probably. You don’t happen to have the transmission itself, do you?”

“I don’t.” Karin gave him a pointed look. “All we can really do for now is watch for rescue beacons.” Karin turned to her XO. “Miranda, any questions?”

“Not really. Hopefully this is straightforward, in and out, with a quick data uplink. It could be risky, but I don’t think we’ll run into much resistance. I think you may be too concerned about it, unless another Collector ship shows up for salvage. _Then_ ,” Miranda commented dryly, “I’d say we have problems.”

Karin barked a laugh.

“If that happens we’ve got far bigger problems than one squad can deal with. OK, go suit up. I’ll be in the cockpit during the approach.” Karin waved them out.

* * *

 

Shepard tried to quell her apprehension when she got her first look at the disabled Collector ship.

_That thing looks too familiar for comfort._ It looked exactly like the ships from Horizon and from the attack on the old _Normandy._

“I’m not really seeing much of a debris field, Commander. There’s some random junk, but it’s hard to identify from fragments.” Joker squinted at the haptic displays.

“I concur,” EDI agreed just before her blue sphere took form. “It is impossible to identify any of the surrounding space debris with certainty. I do not have confidence in matching this to my databanks.”

Karin nodded, shifting her helmet to her hip. “Are you getting any distress calls or escape pod beacons?”

“Nothing, Shepard.”

“What about power? Systems? Any sign there’s any activity?”

“I am reading no life signs,” EDI reported. “The engines are cold. Their central reactor appears to be offline. If that is the case, life support is likely minimal.”

“All right. I probably don’t need to tell you this, Joker, but stay sharp. If you see anything that resembles a salvage vessel – “

“You’ll hear about it, trust me.” Joker, for once, sounded grim.

_I don’t blame you._

* * *

 

As it turned out, there was some gravity and a low-pressure atmosphere, but the composition wasn’t compatible with either human or turian needs, and it wasn’t being circulated that Karin could tell from her omni-tool.

The first thing they found were piles of dead humans in various stages of decomposition. There were also collections of the same coffin-like pods they’d seen on Horizon. EDI didn’t find any life signs in any of the remaining pods in that region of the ship.

_Damn it._

The first Collector they came across had been dead for an unclear amount of time. It, too, was partially encased in one of the pods. Karin accessed a nearby haptic panel and looked for data.

“EDI, what do you make of this?” The AI connected through Karin’s omni-tool. When she explained the implications of the DNA structures and what was likely being done to the dead Collector, Karin’s blood ran cold.

“My God. The protheans didn’t vanish. The Reapers turned them into monsters and enslaved them.” She stepped back.

_Is that what they’re planning to do with all the vanished humans?_

The revelation, as horrible as it was, paled in comparison to what they found a short while later. A massive inner cavity of the ship was filled with the same pods, even though they looked small compared to the size of the chamber.

“Unbelievable,” Miranda stopped and stared.

“They’re going to target Earth.” Garrus’ awed voice echoed the thought that crossed Karin’s mind.

“Not if we stop them,” Shepard vowed. _And I_ will _find a way or die trying._

Their omni-tool sensors led them down a smaller passage, where Garrus spotted a control panel.

“Where are all the other Collector bodies? Careful, Shepard. Something doesn’t seem right.” Miranda sounded genuinely worried.

_Glad you could join us, Miranda._ The thought was cold comfort. _I didn’t want to be right._

Sickly yellow light emitted from several fluid-filled conduits filled the entire area with eerie shadows. Shepard established a bridging connection between the control panel and EDI’s systems. The AI began to mine the data, but there was a sudden burst of static in the ‘comm. Or, was it the same sort of odd scratching noise the Collectors seemed to use to communicate? There was another burst of static, and Joker’s voice over the line.

“Oh, _that_ can’t be good.”

Right after that, the floor shuddered. Karin heard several small explosions, and saw sudden movement in all the transparent fluid conduits around the panel.

“What the hell just happened?” Karin barked into the ‘comm. Miranda and Garrus turned to try to track the source of the disturbances.

“Major power surge, Commander. Everything went dark for a second, but we’re back online.”

_Shit._ Karin turned to see both Miranda and Garrus scanning the surrounding room. Karin’s visor detected a brief movement in the shadows.

“I managed to divert the overload into mostly non-critical systems,” EDI promptly reported. “This was not a malfunction, Commander. This was a trap.”

_Damn. I REALLY didn’t want to be right._

At that very moment, the floor shuddered again. The metallic platform began to rise, throwing all of them off-balance.

“Uh, EDI? We need a little help.” The platform stopped and tilted abruptly, staggering all of them. Miranda lost her balance and fell to the slanting deck with enough force to briefly stun her. Karin turned to help her up, but Garrus was closer and beat her to it.

“I am having difficulty maintaining the connection. Someone else is in the system.” EDI sounded vexed.

Just then, a hexagonal, hovering platform like the one under the squad’s feet came into view, and there were three large collector soldiers riding it. The second platform managed to latch onto theirs before the Collectors were killed. A third, with four soldiers on it, sped toward them.

I WILL DIRECT THIS PERSONALLY.

_Not again._

Just like on Horizon, one of the Collectors stiffened before it was engulfed in flames. It seemed to grow slightly, and its eyes pulsed with brilliant golden light.  The Harbinger launched a ball of fiery biotic energy toward them. It impacted on the edge of the platform with enough force to stagger them all again.

“Watch that one, Miranda!” Karin warned. “Those are a lot worse than the regular Collectors.”

Garrus nailed it with a concussive round, and Miranda managed to destroy it with her biotics in an impressive display of power. They made surprisingly short work of the other soldiers once the Harbinger was destroyed. Karin re-established the data link, giving EDI access to their platform.  It rose more smoothly this time, and navigated across a chasm. EDI set it down and opened a nearby door.

“I will need to finish the download before I can manipulate any other systems,” EDI advised.

“Better hurry it up, then, EDI. Here come more of them.”

“I am fighting concurrent Collector attacks against all of my firewalls. I am tasked to capacity.”

Another wave of platforms, another Harbinger, and at least two of the psions that they’d fought on Horizon pinned them down briefly. At least the growing network of platforms stopped moving under their feet. Garrus stuck with his assault rifle, while Karin switched to her sniper from the Carnifex. EDI got disconnected a second time during that firefight. Once Shepard reestablished the connection, EDI’s blue sphere appeared over the panel.

“Did you get what you needed?” Karin asked her.

“I now have the information on what we need to navigate the Omega-4 Relay.”

“Thanks, EDI. I knew you wouldn’t let us down.” That, at least, was true. EDI was starting to prove that she, at least, could be trusted to some extent. EDI bore that out with the next information she volunteered.

“I also found the turian distress call that was the lure for this trap. It is unusual.”

“Why’s that?” Karin glanced at Garrus.

“Turian distress beacons have dual encryption. This one has the encryption, but it is corrupted in the system. There is no way the Illusive Man would have thought this message was genuine.”

_Bingo._

Both Karin and Garrus turned to face Miranda. Karin pressed the AI further.

“EDI, what are you getting at?”

“The falsification of this message would have been identified by Cerberus decryption protocols. _He wrote them._ ” EDI’s emphasis was clear. Even she seemed a bit – surprised?

Miranda’s mouth dropped open.

“That can’t be. The Illusive Man wouldn’t have led us into a trap. He - just wouldn’t!”

“We can debate that later, Miranda. Right now, we need to get out of here. EDI, can you control this platform again?”

“I am always operating at optimum capacity,” EDI asserted. Karin grinned despite herself. The AI flew the platform back towards its launching point across the immense pod-filled cavern and plotted the escape route back to the shuttle on their HUDs. Just as the platform landed, Joker broke back in.

“Uh, Commander? We have another problem. That ship is powering up. We have to get out of here before their weapons systems come online. I’m not losing another _Normandy._ ”

They fought a running battle back to passages that had previously been open, but were now blocked by locked doors. The squad was nearly overrun several times. The fact that they had made it this far was testament to how well the three of them had started working as a team. Still, clips were running low. In addition to more of the Harbingers, they had to deal with another Praetorian. A truly alarming mob of husks nearly overran them at the last turn towards the extraction point.  Karin tossed her last clip to Garrus and switched to good old spray and pray with her SMG. The last husk caught a fireball from Karin’s Incineration module and crumbled to ashes. Just as it did, Joker came over the ‘comm.

“We have to go now, Commander. We’re out of time.”

A cold feeling that was all too familiar pooled in Karin’s gut as the Collector vessel rumbled ominously beneath her feet.

“You heard the man! Everyone onto the shuttle. MOVE!”

The shuttle bay door was already closing when the shuttle screamed through the gap. Karin burst out of it as soon as it slowed and raced toward the lifts. The _Normandy_ shook under multiple impacts.

_Fuck, not again. DAMMIT, Joker, whatever you’re doing, hurry it up!_

Shepard practically exploded out of the lift as soon as it stopped. She ran down the hallway toward the airlock and cockpit as Joker’s hands flew over the console. Her own heart thudded loudly in her ears.

“We’ve gotta go, EDI! Get us outta here!” Joker yelled in frustration.

“Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau.”

“Anywhere that isn’t here!”

Karin let go of Joker’s seat and almost fell into the navigator’s console as the inertial dampers struggled to keep up with the forces of _Normandy’s_ sharp turn. She just managed to wrap the interlocking arms of the seat around her as the ship went to FTL.

_If the Illusive Man trusts me to pull our assess out of the fire when he leaves things out, he could try trusting me with all the intel and not just what he thinks I need to function._

The data from the Collector ship was indeed valuable, and overall, the mission could be termed a success. During the review, Mordin reminded Karin of his own brand of threat deconstruction – he accepted the “necessary risk” of the mission far more readily than Jacob did. Miranda was surprisingly reserved and didn’t participate much. 

Karin growled. “If he tries something like that again, the Collectors will be the least of his problems.”

Miranda looked up at that, but her expression was carefully neutral.

“I have also determined the location of the Collector home world.” When EDI showed them the results, Miranda frowned.

“That can’t be right.”

“EDI hasn’t been wrong yet about something like this. Mordin?” Karin looked to the Salarian.

“Possible. Could be protected by an artificial construct.” As Mordin worked it through, both Jacob and Miranda looked dubious.

“The Collectors don’t have that kind of technology.”

“Maybe not, but Sovereign could very well have. Don’t forget who’s controlling the Collectors.”

Jacob advocated for collecting the derelict Reaper’s IFF device immediately. While his point was valid, Miranda’s position was the one Karin already favored.

“It’s a derelict _Reaper_. What if the Collectors are waiting for us?”

“Just because we _can_ theoretically get there doesn’t mean we’re ready, Jacob. _Normandy_ isn’t, especially since the Collectors roughed us up back there. The team isn’t ready yet either.  We have work to do, so let’s get to it. Mordin, while you’re at it, see if that genetic data EDI mined shows anything else there we can use. Jacob, we’re going to have to dock for repairs anyway. If you need anything else ordered before we install that heavy shielding, now’s the time. For that matter, check with Garrus about parts for the cannon, too. Miranda, come with me.”

Karin hadn’t intended to have Miranda come to her quarters, but the only other places she knew on the ship that were completely free of observation devices were the main battery and the lab. With those two places occupied, she didn’t have a lot of options.

“Have a seat,” Karin gestured toward her own desk once the doors swished shut behind her.

“Shepard – “

“Miranda, we need to talk.” Karin tapped at her omni-tool, and brought up the log of her conversation with the Illusive Man after Horizon.

“Yes, we do. I already know where this is going, Commander. The Illusive Man – “

“- has threatened our operational safety twice by sending us into missions with deliberately incomplete intel.” She intentionally stopped short of calling the situations traps or lies. Putting Miranda any more on the defensive would just backfire. “You said yourself that most of Cerberus’s assets went into this mission. I must question his decision-making, because he’s done this twice now. If this had been anyone else, I would already be telling them where to go. The only reason I haven’t _already_ told him that is because we have bigger problems. The Reapers. The Collectors. You saw that cavern on the ship. You saw all those pods.”

“I – today wasn’t what I expected,” Lawson admitted reluctantly. “He’s taking very big risks with his –“ Miranda didn’t _quite_ sneer – “investments. I must admit I agree with you, and _I_ have considerable investment in this mission as well. Two years of my life, Shepard. All the work that went into bringing you back exactly as you were, and then having you pull us out of that mess, gives me some things to consider.”

“That’s all I can ask, Miranda.”

As the XO headed for the door, Karin cleared her throat.

“By the way, I know now that it’s hard for you to trust. Thank you for trusting me enough to listen.”

Miranda paused a moment at the door, and then turned back.

“I trusted you with my sister, Shepard. I couldn’t have asked for you to do more than you did. I trust you with my life. And I don’t think you’ll have trouble convincing the rest of the team. You handle pressure just fine.”

_Huh. Teasing from Miranda. I can handle that._

 

 


End file.
